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· Tom Cruise will be giving a series of free lectures on "The Modern Science of Mental Health" at the Celebrity Centre, which is a little like Nicole Richie speaking at a pro-ana meeting about healthy weight-loss strategies. In case you're wondering about how well-balanced an examination of the issues at hand will be offered, the first lecture is called "How Psychiatry Invented Schizophrenia, and What Scientologists Can Do About It." In the third seminar, Cruise will personally—personally!—burn a psychiatrist at the stake.UPDATE: A reader who called the Centre tells us that the lecture series is a fake. A "complete fabrication," actually. Our bullshit detectors were at half-power by the end of the day. Sorry! Pretty good parody, though.
· "No, Viggo, no! You're doing it all wrong! Now please stand aside as I fuck my wife and show you what I'm looking for."
· If Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher did actually get married last weekend, how long will it last? Oddjack breaks down the betting line.
· Anna Nicole Smith is dragging her dead husband's $474 million bones all the way to the Supreme Court, where a suspiciously sympathetic Clarence Thomas awaits, booby-trapped Coke can in hand.