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We've said it before, but we are simply ill-equipped to run with the stallions competing for coverage of Bravo's Daily News docu-series Tabloid Wars. Paralyzed by our love for deputy metro meatbaton Greg Gittrich and slow at the keyboard thanks to various, unrelated medications, there's just no way our treatment of this "story" would ever satisfy the show's 2,000 die-hard fans. So instead, we rededicate our energy not to liveblogging the show, but liveblogging FishbowlNY editor Dylan Stableford's conscientious liveblog coverage of the show. After the jump, we watch Dylan watch.

• 9:03PM EST: Dylan loves it when they open the episode with something super catchy. This week it's,"Exclusives make good stories great." Dude, such an awesome way to start.
• 9:05PM EST: Hud Morgan eats with Lizzie Grubman and uses "frattastic" and "blingtastic" in a single sitting. Dylan's all like, "Why can't I be as cool as Hud?" After this liveblog, he's going to practice using "glamtastic" in everyday speech.
• 9:10PM EST: Dylan gets so sad when babysitters are murdered. He remembers when his own babysitter died before his very eyes, after a fatal accident involving a sharp edge on a can of SpaghettiOs.
• 9:12PM EST: Kerry Burke covers night of "Harry Potter pahty to Harry Potter pahty." Is Kerry Burke cooler than Hud Morgan? Dylan would like to see the issue settled with a mud-wrestling match.
• 9:19PM EST: Dammit, Hud is working on a piece about cougar hunting. Fuck that! Dylan knows he's the real hunter. Booyakasha.
• 9:20PM EST: Dude, Hud is seriously so cool with Maria Sharapova. What Dylan wouldn't give for an opportunity with that piece of trim...
• 9:22PM EST: Monsignor Eugene Clark — videotape and police documents. His alleged lover is his secretary. Seriously, this happened to Dylan one time: he was totally banging his intern while he was at the monastery. Total scandal, for reals.
• 9:23PM EST: Editor Michael Cooke opts to axe Barbara Ross' story; will 'kill self' and blame Ross if Post gets it. Dylan wonders what Cooke's breath smells like when he says these things.
• 9:23PM EST: Dylan hates these people who can't use cell phones. C'mon, Ross, it's 2006. He's so gonna roast her later.
• 9:25PM EST: Burke is still working on the "gorgeous" Harry Potter book. Honestly, Dylan thought the book was pretty special, but he's hesitant to use the word "gorgeous." Maybe "dazzling" or "foxy."
• 9:29PM EST: Deputy city editor Kirsten Danis wants to "give people their say," asks if they're "ethically and morally covered" in addition to being "legally covered." Dylan blacks out.
• 9:34PM EST: Michael Cooke and Lloyd Grove ridicule Hud Morgan's sandals. Grove accuses Cooke of being a foot fetishist. Cooke asks Grove how his diet's going. Dylan remembers that he hasn't taken his evening Hoodia.
• 9:34PM EST: Dylan just took his Hoodia.
• 9:35PM EST: Ooh, Kerry's getting a haircut. Dylan loves going to class night at Bumble and Bumble.
• 9:35PM EST: Young male, black, 29, found in building with head bashed in. Deputy metro muffin Greg Gittrich thinks the story is "very good," which offends Dylan's delicate sensibilities.
• 9:36 EST: Dylan faints.
• 9:38 EST: Dylan is revived with smelling salts.
• 9:43PM EST: More Adam Lisberg cruising Long Island. The last time Dylan cruised anywhere near Long Island, he found himself in the Meatrack.
• 9:45PM EST: Morgan: "Hard not to want to climb the media ladder." Don't Dylan know it!
• 9:46PM EST: This "urban cougar" story smacks of the infamous Village Voice story that sacked Nick Sylvester. Young men sleeping with older women? No way! Dylan smells a rat. Or maybe he just smells old-lady crotch.
• 9:51PM EST: Lisberg has own Jedi-mind shift, flips a bitch on a one-lane highway, hot on the heels of a potential Monsignor-carrying limo. HE-RO. Who the fuck doesn't Dylan idolize? He's just got so much love to give, you know?
• 9:51PM EST: Lisberg finds the Monsignor, snaps picture, gets on-the-record denial in under 15 seconds. "Holy fucking shit," he says. Well done, but now Dylan has to hold a binder in front of his Dylan-parts.
• 9:52PM EST: In another life, Dylan totally imagined himself to be a headline writer. Rhyming is fun!
• 9:59PM EST: Priest story "unfolded nicely." Dylan agrees, having always secretly desired the life of a naughty choir boy.

Earlier: Liveblogging the Liveblog Coverage of 'Tabloid Wars'