Short Ends: When A Background Dancer's High Sperm Count And A Meal Ticket's Poor Understanding Of Birth Control Collide

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mark

08/16/06 10:04PM

Filed to: Short Ends

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· A tip from chapter 5 of Britney Spears' forthcoming book on child-rearing, Lookit Me, I'm A Moms, Y'all!: To make sure that your second child feels special, go on the record saying that he or she was just an accident.
A tip from chapter 3 of Lindsay Lohan's book on how to succeed in the movie business, Fuck You, I'll Show Up On Set Just As Soon As I'm Good And Ready And My Body Is Done Rejecting The Shit I Don't Remember Drinking Last Night, Mr. Bossy Asshole A.D., And Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are, My Father?: Once your spotty attendance record and overall lack of professional courtesy become an issue, bring in some cupcakes!
You know what, now that you mention it, it does seem weird that Tom Cruise is always rescuing people. He's just a lucky guy, we guess.
Probably not a day goes by where we don't look down at our What Would Stephen Baldwin Do? bracelet while contemplating an important life decision and then make the right choice—especially when deciding whether or not to have a three-way with God.

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Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq. mark 08/17/06 01:35PM

The early c-section ("Mend it like Beckham" named for Posh and quite popular in the UK) is reputed to be effective in eliminating the nastiest uglifying issues caused by the last 6-8 weeks of pregnancy. Call it selfish, but really, baby wouldn't want mommy to be fat and yucky, now would baby? And plus with a c-sec you don't mess up your junk like with a natural birth. The French love the c-section, so I have heard.

Hey, kudos to Lindsers for staying up all night baking all those cupcakes. If her life is anything like her wonderful movies, which I think it just might be... I'm sure she's learned her lesson. Stay tuned for the upcoming sassy girl-powered song and dance finale!

Ben mark 08/17/06 02:50PM

I've known people to have a c-section so they can schedule around things like the doctor's vacation or the day school starts (if the baby comes after September 1 you'll have to pay for another full year of day care)

Not that these issues matter to the Celebrity Elite.

Xenu mark 08/16/06 11:31PM

I can't believe it took Page Six this long to catch up to the phony, er, extremely coincidental acts of heroism Tom Cruise has staged, I mean, randomly stumbled across all these years. With all this accidents that follows Mr. Cruise around - car crashes, burning boats, Penelope Cruz - you'd think there was some sort of massive conspiracy. Hmm...

Trixie from Toronto mark 08/17/06 09:14AM

The rates of C-sections for celebrities is eight billion times the rate for the general population. Tighter 'ginas are more beneficial on the casting couch, perhaps? As well, when they have Junior surgically removed, they get automatic tummy tucks and liposcution at the same time. So when the rest of us are beating up on ourselves wondering why, a week after birthing, we aren't back in our Size 2 jeans like Sarah Jessica Parker and Angelina Jolie, remember, ladies — stars, they are NOT just like us.