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This image was lost some time after publication.

NICK DOUGLAS — The annual gadget orgy known as CES turned out some shiny pretty things, but it popped out some damn ugly (and stupid, useless, wasteful, and all the other things your momma called you) gadgets. Here's an illustrated recap of the worst, and just what makes each so unsellable.

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Giddyup Horse Simulator: Is it just an iGallop, or a refitted Sybian sex seat? [via Shiny Shiny]

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You ever watch "Pimp My Ride" and wonder why everyone always acts happy with their newly freaked-out car, no matter how normal and boring the owner looks and how ricockulously expensive to maintain the car looks, now that it has twelve monitors, a speaker system that runs on its own generator, and a frappuccino maker? Well if my car included a rear-tire monitor, I'd cry on camera. Because how'm I supposed to keep the ladies' attention on my spinners?

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Nevermind if this toy is a wicked loud noisemaker. Men: This is what you look like when you're drunk and trying to "make her happy first." Except in this photo, you also look like you're biting a tiny keg.

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Women: I don't know, you're on your own with the Hello Kitty Lady Shaver.

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True, coffee usually smells better than it tastes. Still, Aroma is just a bitter disappointment for the morning caffiend. Gizmodo's Mark Wilson says it gets "kind of sticky and nasty." Oh good, an alarm clock you have to wash out. Now just imagine how grody this gets after a year of use. Also imagine buying fake coffee refills to put in your fake coffee cup. Now draw scary parallels to your soy-nonfat-decaf habit.

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YouTube on TV? Seriously? Look, I want to see my poorly planned, near-absurdist three-minute stunts on the Internet, and my poorly planned, near-absurdist three-year "deserted island" shows on the TV.

See what I did there? This was all an excuse to mock "Lost".

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There's one thing a talking meat thermometer needs to tell you: "Meat's done." That is IT. I defy you to think of any absolutely necessary message other than this. Therefore, it doesn't actually need to SAY "Meat's done," now does it? A "Bing!" would do just fine and feel less creepy coming from the waist of my pants.

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Blah blah blah, electrical stimulators don't do anything for muscles, blah blah quackery, blah blah mildly painful procedure at best, blah blah WHERE IS THAT DOCTOR'S HAND GOING? I'm starting to suspect he's not a real doctor.

I'd demand that any adult buying these gets a sex-offender background check, but who cares? In a battle of hidden-camera-nosed plush toy vs. toddler slobber, everyone knows who will score the K.O.

Thanks to Valleywag's brother site Gizmodo for most of these shots. They go to Vegas so we don't have to. See more gadgets that should have been aborted at TIME and Shiny Shiny.