Layoff-driven journalism: "Let's expose all the patterns in the media! It'll be great for us! Don't forget to link to our previous coverage." Owen, please listen to what readers are telling us: Bury, bury, bury.

CBS hired anchor Katie Couric to turn return its news division to ratings glory. Didn't happen. So like any good media organization in the 21st century, CBS has resorted to good old-fashioned Diggbaiting. Below a video of Couric in her office, sporting a Digg T-shirt and reading a script — "Oh, hi everybody! Nice to see you. Welcome to CBS News. Sorry about my mess." Putting a woman in well-cut Digg clothing is a trick as old as the site of course. Two years ago alt-porn star Posh Suicide did the same thing, drawing 2,828 Diggs. Couric has a ways to go to catch up: Her video is sitting at a meager 40 votes after 18 hours. But then, we'd already discovered that Digg users aren't quite the slobbering teenage boys spammers assume they are.

Click to viewTake a look at the front page of crazy-huge crowdsourced web aggregator Digg today and you'll see a totally different portrait of the war in Georgia than you'd find on the front of the New York Times. It's not the scary specter of Russia asserting its dominance over the region and thumbing its nose at the West, gambling that we won't respond with force. It's not tanks rolling toward a soverign nation's capital in the hopes of overthrowing its pro-American leader. No, it is, as usual, a conspiracy by George W. Bush and the Mainstream Media to confuse and deceive you. A false story propagated by those terrible, biased gatekeepers. Also-Russian tanks are fucking awesome!!!! Why the hell would typically nerd-news and cute photo-obsessed little Digg take such a counterintuitive view of a war being waged on the other side of the globe? Three simple reasons.

Seriously, this is it. The nadir. Pack it in, Internet. Someone make sure to turn off Digg on the way out. It's time to go home. [L Magazine]

Yesterday, a grown man threw a tantrum and stormed off the internet. Because we bullied him. It wasn't pretty. Are we proud? Well, it's a living. We spent today mulling over some wise advice we received. And, of course, it's true. We should be constructive! In the spirit of friendship, we'll explain how to survive the Internet without letting the bastards get you down. Heed our words, and you'll never have to shut down another blog. Or quit a message board, or ban yourself from a comments section. Never again will you hear the sirens of the waaaahmbulance.

Simple: Use the headline your editor rejected to promote your story on the mob-run news dump. That's how Wired News writer (and Gawker Media alum) Megan McCarthy turned her story "Company Going After Yahoo Employees — in the Restroom" into " Company looks for quitter in the shitter." As more publications make online reporters earn pageviews, we've all got to learn how to play dirty. Also remember these three rules for Digg headlines:

If you haven't kept up with the latest Captain America comic plot lines, you may be in for a shock to learn that the virile symbol of American patriotism is dying and he has to choose a successor from among a band of merry marines and office trollops. But who lurks over his left shoulder? Is that ... drowsy-eyed, hunky Digg founder Kevin Rose sporting a Diggnation T-shirt? We'll have to wait until January 2008 to learn if Rose and his Digg army can save America from Al-Qaeda — and if Marvel, publisher of the comic, has mastered the fine art of Diggbait.

NICK DOUGLAS — The domain paradox: Domains used for actual online companies are terrible (zooomr.com, browster.com, del.icio.us) while domains registered for no good reason are wonderful (fancytrousers.com, stuffonmyfriends.com, supr.c.ilio.us). Here are ten fantastic domains that have been claimed — and five that haven't.Claimed

NICK DOUGLAS — Take a deep breath and exhale with me: Ommmmmm! Our editor Chris mapped out the path to blog nirvana earlier this month. Now I'm proud to present a heatmap locating popular blogs (and a few major web sites) among the four spheres of audience reaction: Affirmation, indignation, titillation, and stimulation. Spot Gawker, TechCrunch, Dooce, Michelle Malkin, Ze Frank, Engadget, and more!

NICK DOUGLAS — "Oh my god Web 2.0? More like Bubble 2.0!" Okay, good start. But to really intimidate non-geeks and show how you're so over Web 2.0 (as proved by the five parody logos you uploaded on Flickr and auto-inserted into your blog), you need to break out these advanced tactics.

NICK DOUGLAS — Some of them you recognize, some of them you don't. Here are the twelve funniest people on the Internet today, including Ze Frank, Brad Neely, Worker #3116, and that crazy lady at Violent Acres.

NICK DOUGLAS — After a year of Silicon Valley startup parties and conferences, I thought I hated startups because the staff was deluded and vapid. I was wrong — I just hated their PR people. Here's why your startup should fire its flacks.

NICK DOUGLAS — With the social tools at your disposal, you can propose to your girlfriend with a $25 ad spot or call your local pizza place to say hi. Sure, you can be friendly. But wouldn't you rather play rough? You can launch a smear campaign against your enemies from the comfort of your own home, by following this five-step plan.

NICK DOUGLAS — The annual gadget orgy known as CES turned out some shiny pretty things, but it popped out some damn ugly (and stupid, useless, wasteful, and all the other things your momma called you) gadgets. Here's an illustrated recap of the worst, and just what makes each so unsellable.

NICK DOUGLAS — Mmm, the Taser, America's favorite legal civilian weapon, favorite tool of cops on both baddies and protesters, and always good for video fun. I've compiled one electrical montage some of the best Taser shots on the Internet, including three celebrity tasings from Armed and Famous, premiered on TV tonight. NSFW, due to the screaming.

NICK DOUGLAS — There are plenty of reasons for Silicon Valley to lean left. Silicon Valley is just south of San Francisco, home of liberal Congresswoman Nancy "Palomino" Pelosi. Techies are young, idealistic, and progressive. Their votes and their money end up with the Democrats.

NICK DOUGLAS — Can't say where I got this or how many years I'm disinvited from the Google Holiday Ball, but check out this all-hands memo from the co-founder and co-president of Google.

NICK DOUGLAS — Another year and the bubble hasn't popped! Sysadmins and C-level execs alike, you deserve something special, like a drink named after you or your latest achievement. And Yahoos deserve a drink all to themselves. So after the first champagne, order these official cocktails for techies in 2007!

NICK DOUGLAS — Every now and then, the language needs to scrap some words and replace them with better words — words like "Google delay" and "schteal." These and other better words follow.

NICK DOUGLAS — As fantastic as the baton-controlled Nintendo Wii may be (I found it's most fun after White Russians and a tequila shot), it seems like the only game anyone plays is Wii Sports. So what other games would I like to see? Click the thumbs to see the gallery. Props for the "let's Photoshop the covers" idea to Mike Monteiro.