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With Lindsay Lohan's reported stay at Utah's Cirque Lodge currently impeding her ability to generate more gossip-column content on her own (that is, unless she hijacks a wild horse or a helicopter and makes a break for the bars of Park City), the tabloids have been forced to reach out to the Lohan-adjacent for new stories. In the upcoming issue of In Touch, the actress's former bodyguard celebrates the sacred bond between human shield and vulnerable client by sharing some of his fondest memories of his time as a member of the Lohan family. From Page Six:

Once, when Lindsay was 16, Michael flew into a rage while driving and "slammed on the brakes and dragged her out of the car, pushed her up against the hood, screamed at her and called her a slut. This was on the Long Island Expressway! I got in the middle of it and pulled him off."

Meanwhile, Dina often "let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention]."

Before you unfairly judge the bodyguard for turning a blind eye to Dina Lohan's allegedly permissive parenting strategy and not intervening himself to protect her adolescent liver from the clear and present danger represented by a Ketel-and-tonic, realize that it wasn't his job to raise the child. His professional duties were clearly limited to preventing crazed fans from getting too close to the Lohan's little earner, and to taking cursory mental notes on everything he witnessed while serving the dysfunctional clan just in case a slow celebrity-news week one day created a modest market for mildly disturbing, utterly unsurprising anecdotes about his troubled charge.