Lindsay Lohan’s mother-but-really-I-look-more-like-her-sister-don’t-you-think Dina was arrested for drunk driving in Long Island last night. TMZ says cops recorded her blood alcohol level at more than twice the legal limit. Lindsay is rumored to be living with a sober coach in Manhattan.

Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan's mom, Dina launched a grassroots campaign to jimmy her way onto the next season of ABC's Dancing with the Stars.

Like everyone in America, Dina Lohan has a theory about why Lindsay Lohan, the human female whose transformation from adorable frecklebean to bloated shriekmonster she oversaw, is "so screwed up." Dina's guess: It's because Lindsay saw her father beat up her mother. (Lindsay's father's guess: It's because Dina "is the devil.")

After nearly two faithful years as Lindsay Lohan's No. 1 speed-dial homie, Steve Honig has decided to quit his job as publicist for the star, which also happens to be the second-worst job in America after being Lindsay Lohan's dad. Honig, obviously, has no problem with Lindsay's poor Porsche-handling skills, her romance with that guy "Klaus," or all that coke drama with Lindsay and her best friend, Dina Lohan. No, according to Honig just can't stand her dad. TMZ reports:

TMZ has just leaked audio from the call Lindsay Lohan made to her father, Michael, in the midst of the fight with her mom, Dina, that culminated in a small squadron of emergency vehicles descending upon Dina's Long Island home early this morning.

Have you called your mom and told her she's acting like a real bitch today?

No one wants to come across like a twitchy, drugged-up crazy person on television, which is basically what we got from Dina Lohan on Dr. Phil last week.

Dina Lohan will finally get some television exposure on Monday when Dr. Phil airs his pre-recorded sit-down with the matriarch of the most messed up celebrity clan in America.

Kristen Stewart's irrepressible sexiness imperils a movie franchise for kids. George Clooney gave Stacy Keibler crabs. Kris Jenner on Kim keeping her engagement ring: "I hate Indian givers." Dina Lohan blabs about LiLo's Playboy contract. TGIFriday gossip.

Amy Winehouse's blood alcohol level was five times the legal driving limit when she died. Rob Pattinson wants Taylor Lautner's body. Lindsay Lohan's Playboy photoshoot "went well." Wednesday gossip alternates between sexy and sad.

Why did Kris Humphries ditch his wedding ring to carry moving boxes? Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and Kingston Rossdale might be in love. Dina Lohan is shopping a memoir. Kanye's Occupy Wall Street outfit was worth more than $30,000. TGIFriday gossip.

Liv Tyler's mother Bebe Buell gave an interview to America's trashiest magazine Steppin' Out, and the result is a bizarre portrait of the conflicted mind of a momager and old school fameball.

All three Kardashians blow off Kris Humphries' plus-size model sister. Mila Kunis gets hacked. A naked man with a Fudgesicle broke into Nicolas Cage's house. Padma Lakshmi bombs at an open mic night. Thursday gossip turns up its nose.

Saucy LiLo shows up to the Kardashianganza dressed in a long white gown accessorized with major cleavage. Chely Wright weds. Christina Aguilera wants to wed. And Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller might wed again. Today's Gossip Roundup is an overworked bridesmaid with cake all over her dress.

It was Ron Perelman's party, and Ellen Pompeo cried even though she didn't want to. Daniel Radcliffe was "reliant" on alcohol. Nicki Minaj's cousin was murdered. Andrew Keegan might have been tased. Tuesday gossip is troubled.

Like a vulture circling a mound of rotting flesh, Lindsay Lohan is closing in on the role of Victoria Gotti in an upcoming mafia movie. To seal the deal, Lindsay and Victoria posed for pictures; the result was like one of those fairy tales where a damsel looks in the mirror and freaks out when she sees what she will look like when she is old. Not that Victoria is that old! Just that LiLo has a thing for snuggling up to human embodiments of her super-tan, uber-blonde future.

Lindsay Lohan hyperventilates and calls the paparazzi "animals." Someone is selling a sex tape of Usher. Charlie Sheen misses his son's birthday party. Britney Spears reunites with K-Fed at her son's baseball game. Monday gossip sucks and blows.

The royal wedding invitation is here! Kim Kardashian licks her boyfriend's tongue in public. Lindsay Lohan's parents battle for her in the tabloids. Old pictures of JWoww making out with a girl. Sunday Gossip Roundup is here.

Shortly after news broke that Lindsay Lohan left rehab, Dina Lohan issued a statement: "'It's a great day,' Lohan's mother, Dina, told E! Online, confirming her daughter was released." But Lindsay issued her own statement: "I didn't leave." WTF?

Your feelings about Natalie Portman's Uterus Theme Week are a window to your soul. Taylor Swift and Gwyneth Paltrow are besties. Miley's salvia bong for sale. Lily Allen and LeAnn Rimes are engaged. (Separately.) Tuesday gossip is aglow.