Truth be told, we can't be made to care about who took home the Golden Tap Shoes—by far the most coveted of all the celebrity-based reality TV talent competition trophies—on last night's Dancing with the Stars finale, even after discovering that the heady rush of victory was so overwhelming that the show's new champion was moved to drop his fiancée like she was a tango partner who caught fire in the middle of a dip. The only reason we even bothered to tune in to the fifteen-hour coronation ceremony was to check in on Marie Osmond, America's Emotionally Fragile Sweetheart, whom we weren't sure would survive the defeat her now-legendary Baby Doll Dance of Despair made all but inevitable.

Thankfully, Osmond did somehow find the inner strength to weather this crushing disappointment, at least temporarily; as you can hear for yourself in the above clip, she made it through her brief concession speech without a meltdown. However, once the reality of her third-place finish finally sank in, she unexpectedly returned to the set with the giant key used to wind her up during her ill-received doll performance, nearly bludgeoning judge Bruno Tonioli to death with the prop for the perceived role his tragically sassy comment about her looking like a cross between "Baby Jane and the bride of Chucky" played in destroying her dreams.