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Straight out of a Melrose Place marathon on Lifetime, Heather Locklear was at the center of a dramatic series of (Exclusive!) stories posted online over the weekend having to do with a phantom 911 call and alleged suicide attempts. Some said the call came from Locklear, some said her psychiatrist, and others said they didn't care. But as the workweek began and actual reporters took to the stage, it seems as though the story was nothing more than an overreaction to one in a sea of myriad false positives raging through the LAPD phone lines daily. So who started the hubbub in the first place? And was the call in question coming from...inside the house?

Combing out the details of this he-said-she-said is a bit like trying to unravel the plot of an actual Melrose Place episode: you've got your pretty face, your impending threat, and your happy ending calling the whole silly thing nonsense. Apparently there was a 911 call placed on Saturday from an unknown party claiming they feared Heather was about to commit suicide. So the on-call suicide helpers from Ventura County Fire Department rushed to her house, only to be told their heroic act was unnecessary, and hadn't come from them. As her rep said today, "She never requested medical assistance and did not place a 911 call. Nor did anyone from her house call 911 or place a call requesting medical assistance." But who did? Our bet's on Thelma Dennis.