After much berating, the Kardashian klan kracks and starts telling lies. Lindsay Lohan returns to court. Hugh Grant has a baby after a "fleeting affair" with a mystery woman. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora reunite. Wednesday gossip plays with semantics.

The reality of Pippa Middleton's butt is debated. Two stars of The View get married. Charlie Sheen continues to exist. Sunday gossip is disappointed with its showing at Iowa, but is in this for the long haul.

Justin Bieber, a Furbie toy given the ability to sing, held the LA premiere for his 3D concert movie Never Say Never last night. The red carpet was even uglier than usual. Let's take a look at all the atrocities unleashed by The Biebz.

Well, some good news. Michael Douglas is returning to work — on a Liberace biopic no less — after undergoing treatment for throat cancer. So that's good! Unfortunately some fellow celebrities aren't faring so well.

After her jihad against fish sticks, she waged war on photographers angling for a Kate Hudson upskirt. Paris Hilton has a dancefloor fun-off. Lady Gaga does not subsist on baby food. Is Julia Roberts jealous of Sandra? Thursday gossip ahoy!

She's divorcing Jesse and will raise the baby alone. Larry King is a swinger. Lindsay blames a tawdry lie on her dad, who blames Perez Hilton. Courtney Love says Gavin cheated on Gwen with her. Wednesday's gossip cometh.

Eight kids takes a toll. Elin Nordegren flees to Sweden and wants to stay there. Heather Locklear's hit and run, Cuban Gooding Jr.'s boozy ramble, Naomi Campbell's blood diamond. Thursday's gossip roundup is too busy to get nasty.

This time she won't earn money for it, though. Charlie Sheen's wife's 911 call is out, and terrifying. Spencer Pratt is jealous of Jersey Shore. Paparazzi get pissed at Angelina. Come and get your Tuesday gossip!

It was too much to ask, but in the legends of television, Heather Locklear has been endowed with the powers of a superhero. And now we finally know, even even Amanda can't ride in to save us from ourselves.

Carrie Prejean is horrifed by Shauna Sand's attempt to inspire her; Bijou Phillips' incest movie was a lot less creepy before Mackenzie wrote that book; 50 Cent has some tattoos removed. Et voila, Wednesday's gossip!

We have no more bad things to say about this show (please, try it yourself in comments). We're probably done giving this show the full recap treatment. If next week's return of Heather Locklear isn't utterly trashtastic, we're through.

Only two more weeks before Heather Locklear returns to save us from this dreadful show. As always, we have some predictions on how it might work.

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and one other cast member fired from Melrose Place. Make way for Locklear!

Who hasn't invited a crazy lady home, hired her as a publicist, or worked for her as a high priced hooker? Everyone! We've seen how these things end, and it's with Amanda Woodward saving us all from boredom.

Barbara Walters turns 80 years old today. Let's hope the View girls all remembered to get her a present. Others celebrating today: Will Smith is 41. Designer Thakoon Panichgul is turning 35. Catherine Zeta-Jones is 40. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is 66. Heather Locklear is turning 48. Actress Aida Turturro is 47. Filmmaker Pedro Almodóvar is turning 58. Tate Donovan is 46. Cheryl Tiegs is 62. And Bridget Marquardt of the Girls Next Door is turning 36. A handful of weekend birthdays below.

• Mischa Barton went to see "Tosca" at the Metropolitan Opera the other night. Naturally, when she showed up and saw a red carpet, she started walking it... until she realized it was for the screening of Michael Moore's new documentary at Alice Tully Hall. It was then that the light bulb went on and she ran across the street. Pull it together, woman! [P6]
• Jessica Simpson can't catch a break. Tony Romo ditched her; her dog got snatched by a coyote; her friends keep dishing to the media; and now her ex, Nick Lachey, appears to be reuniting with his ex, Vanessa Minnillo. Poor Jess. [E!]
• Tyra Banks appeared on Larry King Live last night and talked about how she dealt with packing on some lbs (again), her real hair (again), and how she loves being naked (unless the lighting in the dressing room sucks). [CNN, ET]

It's as if all the fans of the show shined a spotlight with a MP logo into the sky and now our blond super-heroine has swooped in for the rescue. Yes, Amanda Woodward is moving back in!

For a schlocky camp-fest, the original Melrose Place sure launched a lot of stars. While we have no idea what to expect tonight from the cast of the relaunch, we do have some bets on who might be returning.

There is a simple formula to determine how successful the stars of hit television shows go on to become: how long it takes before the reunion special. Seinfeld held out for 11 years, how long did everyone else last?

When Mischa Barton got on the train to Cuckootown we thought she joined the ranks of Britney Spears and Mariah Carey. Not really, because people seemed to actually care about their public descent into madness. Is the celeb meltdown passe?