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I remember when I was the only one who wanted to fuck Matt Damon. I'd listen to him telling the same story over and over again about working on Mystic Pizza and how he thought Lili Taylor was going to be American's newest sweetheart after the film opened. You know, I got him that part in Glory Daze to help him get off my couch for a couple of months. And now, everybody wants a piece of him and he's more than willing to return their calls. But me? Good ole Big Ben, the Larry Bird to his Kevin McHale? That guy, that friend can't even get a simple hello, but he gives Mark Wahlberg floor seats for the Celtics game. Wahlberg gets to work with Scorsese and gets the Oscar nomination. And here I am, just hanging out, fucking Jimmy Kimmel. Hmmm, I wonder what Jennifer Lopez is up to tonight?

[Photo Credit: Flynet]