I'm Late, I'm Late For A Very Important Date
Ashton Kutcher broke a land speed record on the weekend as he left a Los Angeles area Kabbalah center. According to witnesses on the scene, Kutcher looked like a streak of white lightning as he jaywalked jayran across the street. Kutcher was apparently in a rush to get a white party, but the onlookers thought the My Boss's Daughter star should use his skills elsewhere. One witness said, "With the way that guy was running, you'd think he's the Flash or something. Maybe he should stop the acting thing and fight crime or try out for the Olympics. USA could clean up with that kind of speed."
*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.
