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Alex Rodriguez's beleaguered wife Cynthia is quickly on her way to becoming the Yankee star's ex-wife: She filed for divorce in Miami this morning. (The divorce docs are here.) Cynthia's trip to the courthouse caps off a busy weekend for the former couple. Cynthia returned from Paris (where she was staying with Lenny Kravitz!) and got down to business, hiring a team of high-priced divorce attorneys; for her part, Madonna issued a statement denying that she and Alex Rodriguez have ever been romantically involved and said she has no plans to divorce her own husband, Guy Ritchie. Madonna's denial came after the news had surfaced over the weekend that the pop star had inducted the Dominican-born star into the cult of Kabbalah, which immediately escalated into a series of bizarre reports: Madonna supposedly used Kabbalah to brainwash A-Rod into believing they're soulmates, and A-Rod's former trainer said that the slugger only listens to Madonna's music while he drives and goes "into a trance" if her videos come on at the gym.

Not surprisingly, almost all the details conflict with one another: According to one gossip item, A-Rod was sneaking into her apartment via a private elevator; another said they had their trysts at a love-shack Alex has been subletting in the Time Warner Center. The only person who doesn't seem to be getting any face time in this sordid scandal? Poor Guy Ritchie, who was spotted attending Kabbalah services with Madge in New York and drinking alone at a British pub last week.