Corporate "futurist" and salvia-smoking internet surfer Faith Popcorn is back—from the future! And she's brought predictions, for the benefit of the world. Would you like to know what the magical year 2009 will hold, according to a lady who has somehow convinced companies to pay money to her totally made-up "trend consultancy" for an astounding period of time? Behold the "New Rules of Engagement" for 2009, year of wonder:

1. RECLAIM: Reframing our power relationship with Companies. Driven by Icon Toppling — A new socioquake transforms mainstream America and the world as the pillars of society are questioned and rejected.
Look for: The death of the Consumer, long live the Citizen.

You will die, in other words.

2. RETRENCH: Hunkering down and praying for survival. Driven by Cocooning: Retreating to home to protect oneself from the harsh, unpredictable realities of the outside world.
We'll see that: Cuddles Trump Coupons.

This also means that you will die. The last two are "Reset" and "Reinvent" and have equally inexplicable descriptions, but the alliteration makes them true. Read all about it! Now here is your mandatory honorary Faith Popcorn salvia appreciation video of the day: