The Way We Live Now: Naked. Because stores are no longer selling "Plus Sized" clothes. All that fabric is expensive! So nude Americans sit at home, causing all the baguette stores to go broke, forcing small business owners to sell their dinosaur skeletons just to stay afloat.

Obese Americans—the majority—can no longer just waddle into Ann Taylor and pick out a hefty-sized pant suit off the rack. Retailers are moving all their large-person clothing online, meaning even less exercise for our oversized citizens, who will now be able to move merely their fingertips to pick out clothes, while, doubtless, eating with the other hand.

And what will this mean for New Hampshire's beloved baguette shops? Doom, that's what it fucking means. If more of you obese internet shoppers had come out and enjoyed some tasty Real French Croissants rather than sitting home and eating Pillsbury cinnamon bun dough directly from the container, New Hampshire could have had a nice French bakery, for once. But you didn't, so the respectable foodie place didn't make enough money, so the government is shipping the French people back home and leaving you all with your Taco Bell Taco Salads, as snacks. We hope you're happy.

The sens of community is lost, you see? This recession has splintered us into various discordant, competing groups: Fatties vs. slims, Frenchies vs. Mair-cans, Foodies vs. Consumer of vast quantities of food, whatever it may be. These days you can't even come out and gaze upon a Triceratops skull unless you have $125,000 to spend. And that's just wrong. Wrong for dinosaurs. Wrong for Ann Taylor plus-size shoppers. Wrong for baguette-swallowers. Just wrong.
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