Used to be Angelina Jolie showed everyone she was a wild angel by allowing the actor Billy Bob Thornton to perform acts of coitus with her and having a godawful dragon tattoo. Now that she's more mature, she has to dream up new ways to subvert our perceptions—of what a bride should wear on her wedding day; of what is and is not appropriate to do with the actor Billy Bob Thornton.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got late-in-life married last Saturday and no judgement!!! Only happy and excited for them to finally have the wonderful lives they deserve. Here is everything we know about the event of an aeon (thanks to a Jolie-Pitt spokesperson and our friends at Newsday).

Monday morning, the internet was abuzz with word that Brad Pitt, celebrity father, has joined Chinese Twitter, Sina Weibo. Even more exciting was his first message to Chinese fans: "It is the truth. Yup, I'm coming…"

Every year on December 25th, Jesus throws himself a huge birthday party and everyone is invited and everyone brings a present for someone else (unique gifting idea coined by Jesus) and it is just, like, known that this day is Jesus' birthday so you shouldn't make any other plans.

Angelina Jolie's upcoming film Maleficent is quickly turning out to be just another home movie featuring the Jolie-Pitt kids, as fan favorites Zahara, 7, and Pax, 8, have now been added to the bill.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are expected to become married against their will this weekend, thanks to the Power of Positive Thinking.

The most famous unwed parents in America may soon wed, The Hollywood Reporter reports. After Angelina Jolie was photographed with a giant diamond on her ring finger, jeweler Robert Procop confirmed that he "did indeed design an engagement ring for Angelina Jolie, designed in collaboration with Brad Pitt." So either they're engaged, or Angie is playing a cruel joke on every tabloid magazine on the planet. [THR]

But soft! What light through yonder White House window breaks? It is the Oval Office, and Brangelina is meeting with President Obama, New York Times photographer Doug Mills tweets. This rare alignment of stars can only mean one thing: Tense negotiations between the American government and NAFTA, the Notables Adopting Foreign Toddlers Association. For all the babies in the Mariana Islands, Brad Pitt will solve the recession by gazing deeply into its eyes and whispering something sexy.

The universe's most perfect couple, professional make-believers Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, have put their Malibu dream mansion on the market for an affordable $13.75 million. They're selling the 4,000 square-foot, four-bedroom home presumably because they tend to spend most of their downtime at their 900-acre chateau estate in France. You know how that is. [Real Estalker, photos via PCN and Getty]

Matt Damon speaks for Brangelina. Brangelina feed their children crickets. Chris Brown parks in a handicap spot. Leo's mother advises against Blake Lively. Timberlake pulls a diva move. Wednesday gossip fights for its rights.

Lindsay Lohan throws her weight around a parking lot and says she is a ballerina. Chris Brown's latest temper tantrum includes the phrase "faggot ass." Captain America drove Chris Evans into therapy. Wednesday gossip is kind of a big deal.

Amy Winehouse's website falls at the hands of race-obsessed Lil' B fans. Lindsay Lohan blames "pyschotic paparazzi" for her woes. A teen idol confesses to doing blow with Michael Jackson. TGIFriday gossip.

Crystal Harris has perfect timing—it's too late for Hugh Hefner to cancel her issue of Playboy. Aniston moves in with her boyfriend. Emma Watson dates a co-star. Cee-Lo is tired of being famous. Thursday gossip is moving on.

It's Gaga's party, and she'll make Glambert cry if she wants to. Lindsay Lohan swears she wasn't drunk when she fell outside a bar in New York. Brangelina goes on a mini-vacation. It's TGIFriday gossip.

Miley Cyrus snaps at a paparazzo. Christina Aguilera returns to the scene of her public intoxication. Lindsay Lohan prepares for her big day in court. Brangelina's children "turn violent." Thursday gossip wonders what Lindsay Lohan will wear to court today.

Did James Franco enact the most satisfying zit-popping known to man after the Oscars? Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart make out on a dance floor. Bieber and Selena Gomez make love with their hands. Melissa Leo rather regrets dropping an f-bomb. Monday gossip is an Oscars hangover.

Mila Kunis faces an onslaught of obnoxious break-up rumors. David Arquette goes to rehab. Lindsay Lohan's court-ordered rehab ends. (And her freely chosen rehab begins.) Bieber and Selena make out on a yacht. Monday gossip abandons auld acquaintances.

[Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and the kids on the Parisian boat where Pax celebrated his seventh birthday. Updated caption by mrswillclark. Image via Bauer-Griffin.]

Kanye West confirms that a picture of his giant penis is real. Courtney Love is obsessed with her Wikipedia page. Lil' Wayne gets out of prison. Thursday gossip proudly lets it all hang out.

Jared Leto handpicks a gyrating babe for his next music video. Brangelina spend the day at a bath house. Chelsea Handler and 50 Cent: Back on? Monday gossip could use a good steam bath.