Hooking up and getting drunk aren't the only things the guidos and guidettes of the Jersey Shore have to do for fun. Don't forget about the fights! Let's look at how they handle conflict and retribution in their fiefdom.

Like classical Italy, the citizens of Seaside Heights are all of the same people, but they are separated into clans based on the houses they live in and the friends they share. Sometimes these factions come into dispute over territory or honor. It is like the Trojans and Rutuli warring on the European plains with great Juno watching over her people, shuffling them about like little pieces on a galactic chess board. In this case the board is the Beach Comber, Karma, and Bamboo, the Colosseum of our age.

The rules of engagement dictate that the men fight with the men (usually over women) and the women fight with the women (usually over men). A woman is allowed to fight with a man, because they are seen as weaker. While this is acceptable, the attacking woman is shamed by all her peers and cast out without threat of violence, because the assumption is that any of the juiced out warriors can easily destroy her. However, if this code of honor is broken and a man—especially a "grown-ass" man—attacks a woman, that is the ultimate sacrilege.

If this occurs, as it did to our fare maiden Snooki, then both men and women are allowed to attack the offender without threat of retribution from any other faction. In fact, the man who punches a woman will be plucked up by the guido god himself and not allowed to walk the face of the earth. It is like the diety blew a gust of divine puke breath onto the offender and his flesh is instantaneously vaporized.

Once that man has been dispensed of, either by violence or taken into custody, it is completely acceptable for the brethren of the assaulted to destroy the remaining members of his clan. While they will fight back, they know that they are wrong and must lose the fight. Because of this, they often evacuate the immediate area and go in search for a land that is not haunted by either Goth or Visigoth. They will never been seen again.

Before we discuss the military history of the great guido tribes once more, we need to first discuss their household god: the Duck Phone. The great mechanical mallard functions as the group's Lares and Penates and it can bring both great joy and indescribable wrath. While lovers will unexpectedly call on it to herald the arrival of the rare, rare blue rose—so rare and dangerous it is illegal to sell them in New York—it will also keep lovers apart by putting callers into a constant stream of ladies' voicemails. While it will connect musicians with the powerful overlords that will them jobs (at the peak time of Thursday night at 9pm no less), it will also tell victims that their attackers are roaming free on bail. It is a terrible and fickle god, but without it, the guido has no way to interact with the outside world and so it must deal with it's wacky ways and make sacrifices in its honor.

Let us learn about the sacred words one must know to communicate on such a manipulative device:

  • Heated: The state a member of the tribe gets into when another of his tribe is attacked, one that usually leads to physical violence. For a member of your tribe to be provoked into this state is one of the highest honors of the tribe.
  • Ones and Twos: Turntables. The magical factory that produces the beat that drives everyone into a frenzy. See also "wheels of steel."
  • Creeping: To woo a girl sexually in an inappropriate or offensive way.
  • F Cove: A swimming hole where boats meet up for a great feast that involves booze, swimming, and house music. It is know as "paradise on water." While some think it is a lake, it is actually a cove.
  • Equation: The set of variables that lead to the current predicament. It can be a set of romantic gestures, or it can be the elements needed to throw a successful party. The sum of the equation is always a situation, whether good or bad.
  • Monkey: A strong, fierce, and somewhat goofy animal. To be equated with one is a high honor reserved only for the strongest and most nimble.
  • Muscles Modonad: A folk hero known for his dark tan and big hair, but mostly for his enormous physique and skill at carnival games. All males aspire to one day be fitted with this compliment.
  • Wasting His Time: As opposed to "wasting my time," a circumstance where a girl pretends to sleep with a man without any intention of actually doing so, "wasting his time," is when a man is actually getting laid in a monogamous relationship, but his woman is keeping him from partying and hooking up with other girls. It is never used by the man getting laid, only by his jealous friends. It is a complicated, but important distinction.
  • Get in: To join a fight already in progress.

Speaking of fights in progress, it is finally time to join our guidos in battle.

Aftermath: As everyone with an internet connection knows, last week Snooki was punched in the face in a bar fight. Her attacker was not only shamed but arrested.

The good thing about a fight in this culture is that it brings all the family members closer together. While the men (except for The Situation) raged against the perpetrator, the women took care of Snooki. Well, ShamWOWW actually landed a few solid punches before dragging Snooki off to the bathroom to clean her up and assure her that all of her teeth were still firmly in her mouth. Not only is she a warrior princess, but she is a gracious healer as well. Sammi Quiznos and Ronnie felt survivors' guilt that they didn't see or stop the punch. Vinny, quiet little Vinny who we always forget about, was the most moved, and after threatening to beat the jerk up, went into the bathroom to comfort his sister in struggle.

Back in their ancestral home was where the real love-in started. Ronnie's survivor's guilt got the best of him and he assured Snooki of everyone's love, devotion, and admiration. She may have gotten a busted lip, but she now knows she has compatriots who will stand by her side. Ronnie also thinks the The Situation caused the whole situation by buying the attacker shots and not immediately leaping into the fray after Snooki had been punched (and "creeping" on a girl once the cops had left and the dust settled). While a full-on attack brings everyone closer together, the warriors may still fight about how the tactical situation was handled.

Family Values: The morning after the fight, Ronnie wakes up in bed naked to the knocking of his mother on the front door. She brought plates of food and a whole heaping serving of attitude. It seems that the bellicose guidos of Seaside Heights learned their behavior from their parents, because Ronnie's mom sure has an aggressive nature.

She wants to go to lunch with Ronnie, her husband, and younger son but Ronnie wants to wait for Sammi Quiznos to finish grilling her sandwich so that he can serve her up as an appetizer to his family. She takes way too long to get ready and angers Grendel's mother, which is never a good idea. She will hate Sammi Quiznos no matter what for taking her son away, and she will not sit by quietly while she does it. That is why Ron Mom is so ready to throw down, because she is angered that her son is trying to form a familial unit of his own.

That said, when she finds out that a member of his circle has been attacked by an outsider, she fully expects that Ronnie and his brothers in arms took revenge on the silly man on the other side of that errant fist. She seems almost disappointed that she's not bailing him out for rearranging the man's face.

This is why Ronnie and the other men in the family let mom win at the carnival games. Her supremacy has been threatened, and only winning a stuffed trophy to take home is going to appease her wrath.

A Second Fight: We have already seen the disastrous results of a male-on-female attack, but what happens when a woman defends her friend's honor against another woman? An awesome brawl an some fake hair pulling, that's what.

When ShamWOWW, Snooki, Sammi Quiznos, and Ronnie are taunted by a laughing pack of hoochinas, their leash gets shortened (which, unlike the normal idiomatic meaning, seems to mean that the shorter their leash is, the more likely the are to attack). ShamWOWW is used to verbal attacks against herself (usually from boyfriends), but she will not stand by and listen to her friend Snooki get called fat. She may not be the most desirable person in the world, but ShamWOWW is definitely someone you want as a friend. Not only will she take care of you when you're down, but she will get in there and throw punches for you too. She is like a body guard and a field medic in a ripped shirt.

The fight definitely solidifies the strange bond between Snooki and ShamWOWW, who are like the Laurel and Hardy of the guido world. While their discussion of fighting monkeys was an astute lesson in biology, the real comedy is when ShamWOWW takes an injured and punch0drunk Snooki to go get drunk for real. The fact that Snooki can't even drink out of her swollen mouth doesn't deter the festive pair. They just ask for a straw, and hit the dance floor.

There will be no appropriate time to mention the immense classiness of the bathing suit ShamWOWW wears to F Cove, so we might as well do it now. Yes, the one that is all cleavage. In fact, the two breast plates never meet in the middle. It's like it's some miracle of sorcery that her tatter bags stay covered at all, especially when she is being reeled into a fire-painted speedboat like a half-dead marlin.

Petty Squabbles: Tussles with warring factions may bring members of the tribe closer together, but still silly disputes can erupt between people in the house, like this altercation between The Situation and Sammi Quiznos. She is upset because he won't clean his plate, but she is really mad because he proved an unfit mate and lost the ritual conflict for her loins to Ronnie. Now he must be destroyed. She fans Ronnie's hatred of him by calling him a coward and a "bad friend" after the Snooki incident, and she is systematically trying to turn everyone in the house against him.

It's not really working though, because he has an especially intense bond with DJ Paulie Defense, who is his hunting partner. The Situation has even dubbed him The Problem, even though the ladeez seem to have no problem with him at all. The pair's only problem is that they are beginning to get a bit of a reputation. The Situation has found a nice piece of rare Brazillian tail that he wants to carve into a coon skin cap, but she won't get with him because he and DJ Paulie Dangerous are getting a rap for hooking up with all the girls. Despite the fact that it will keep them from getting laid, The Problem and The Situation seem happier with the rumor that they are constantly getting ass than with actually getting some ass (which we haven't seen either of them do during vacation). It's not the physical act that they enjoy, but the power and status that goes along with conquering the females that they desire.

The Rise of Vinny: Finally, Vinny did something other than get pink eye from a fat lady's vagina or obsessively pluck his eyebrows. Not only did he rush to Snooki's defense and help comfort his fallen comrade, but he also stole Bossman Danny's date at the bar. Oopsie! Among people in their own tribe there is no loyalty when it comes to the greatest conquest of all—those of the sexual variety.

Even after he finds out that the "cougar" he snared was at the bar with the tribal elder that happens to be his boss, Vinny still makes out with her. That is because she is hot and demure. After all, she hides their kissing behind her hand. This is an ancient magic that has been handed down by the members of the guido population. La Befana taught all the women who worship her an invisibility spell that only works when they lock lips with an amorous male. By placing her palm over the set of mawing jaws, she is no longer visible to anyone who might be spying on them. This way she can cheat on her partner with another man free of impunity.

The problem with the spell is that it doesn't work on electrical devices. So, when Vinny makes out with his girl on the hood of a car on the street (the very definition of "classy") no one can see them, but they are still visible to the camera. The immediate ramifications of her dalliance will not be felt, but the long term ones, those captured for posterity by MTV certainly will be.

Wow, Vinny is certainly going to hope he can make himself invisible at the Shore Store next week!

Native Tongue:

Snooki: "I'm just lying there and I'm like, 'Yo, what the fuck just happened?'"

Vinny: "This guy will never walk the face of the earth again because he's known as punching a girl."

Ronnie: "What could she have possibly done for a grown man to punch Snickers in the face?"

Ronnie: "We're like one big family."

Snooki: "I stuck up for them, and that's why I got punched in the face."

JWOWW: "Did you and Ronnie have sex?"
Sammi: "I don't even want to get into that right now."

DJ Paulie D: "I'm doing him a favor because I see this spot has some potential and I throw down a sick mix and that will bring people to his spot."

DJ Paulie D: "Girls love a DJ so once they see me behind the wheels of steel down there, look out."

Snooki: "I save animals, I don't kill them."

Snooki: "That's why I don't eat frickin' lobster or anything. They're alive when you kill it, that's frickin' disgusting."

Vinny: "I want to thank God for everything we have, especially that Snookers is OK."

Snooki: "I tried to eat and everything but I couldn't get it in my mouth because I'm disabled."

The Situation: "You are excluded from surf and turf night, you are excluded from ravioli night, you are excluded from chicken cutlet night."

Sammi: "I didn't get no nails done or my hair did."

Snooki: "Right when I meet a guy and wanted to get his number we had to leave. That's just my luck."

The Situation: "Let's say 10 girls have slipped you their number in that particular week. There's the possibility that five or six may not answers. Someone may pick up but they're busy. But probably on three and four they're coming over and we have to make a decision which girls we want to hang out with...As long as you keep calling there will be success in your numbers game. It's just like anything."

DJ Paulie D: "It will take a couple of times seeing them to hook up. They're not whores."

Vinny: "There are some girls that are just going to come here, strip off their clothes, and jump in the jacuzzi, then there are some girls that are respectful that you have to treat like girls, like human beings."

The Situation: "Everyone's talking about Paulie D and Mike, The Problem and the Situation."

Ronnie: "That's why you don't call JWOWW fat, because you'll get hit."

Snooki: "You tackled her like a fucking monkey."

JWOWW: That's why I can't wait to move back to New York. I take shots with the owner after I beat a bitch up.

The Situation: "Everybody gets stood up. Everybody gets hung up on or rejected. I'm not saying I'm not. I'm saying nine out of 10 times I'm good with it."

Ronnie: "JWOWW's pussy must spring rainbows and pots of treasure."

Ronnie: "I would give her fucking bubble gum. I would send her a picture of my dick and a pack of bubble gum and tell her to chew on this."

Vinny: "I took the boss's girl."