The guidos of coastal New Jersey can't really be called a peace-loving tribe, but when battle is done, it is usually for good reason and because one party is provoked. Sometimes it's just cause they're drunk. Either way—fascinating.

In the most important sociological experiment of our time, we will see what happens when our subjects are introduced to outside stimulus that leads to violence, and it will show us important things about their character, how they react to each other, and how they react to the outside world.

Family is very important to this species of animal, and when The Situation's sister comes to visit, it is a big day for him, especially because she looks like him in a wig, as Vinny says. However, it is important for the guidos that their friends and family mesh well, because they are the two most important things in his life—well, next to getting laid. When Vinny harbors a crush on The Situation's sister, Extenuating Circumstances, The Situation is proud and happy, because his worlds are coming together. However, he warns Vinny from going too far or else he'll wind up "in [The Situation's] trunk." The guido holds their friends so close that they are like family, so if a friend is to hook up with another member of the family it is like incest. Other than a "grown ass man" punching a female, that is the most horrible taboo.

Vinny's extended family also comes to visit (including his second cousin's boyfriend, who appears to be Jewish and completely befuddled by the whole, um, situation) and his mother knows how to bribe Vinny's friends into loving her: with food. Eating is the primary activity to enjoy with family, since dancing, drinking, hooking up, and fighting are all activities enjoyed with peers. It seems that all Vinny's family does while visiting is eat—not go to the beach, not check out the town, just eat. And they don't sample the local cuisine. Food is so important to the culture that it needs to be imported from outside to be enjoyed properly.

While family and friends are kept close, there is still an excess of random strangers wandering around the milieu, because without them, there would be no conflict. Last night there was the random cute guy eating pizza with The Situation, the super cute guy who shows up with Extenuating Circumstances, Snooki's repeat offender Mike, some random naked girl running through the living room, a few ladies on the porch during Snooki's fight, the big black guys who broke up all the fights, and fictional freelancer Betsey Morgenstern who called The Situation and DJ Paulie Dropkick to alert them to the fight that Ronnie just got in on the boardwalk. These are like catalysts to our experiment. They don't impede the action as it unfolds, but they must surely speed it up, and for them, we are forever grateful.

Speaking of strangers, it appears that ShamWOWW and Vinny switched personalities in some Freaky Friday incident, because he was all over this episode and the warrior princess barely made an appearance in an hour that entirely revolved around fighting. Was she in a Vicodin-induced coma or something? Was she fighting a severe case of puke breath?

We will never know, but we do know what these words mean, and it is important that you do too to understand what is about to go down.

  • Creep Mode: The state a male goes into when he is looking to find a girl to be linked to sexually. He can only enter into this state when he is unattached to a female or so angry with his attached female that he wants to lash out at her in spite.
  • Back: To return to being single and being eligible for hunting women sexually. The effects of being "back" are known to wear off suddenly.
  • Motorboat: The meaning of this strange and arcane word isn't entirely known. It either means that one is ready to party or go somewhere with a lot of fan fare, like the noisy vehicle, or it can also mean to blow into a woman's breasts while shaking one's head back and forth. It can also mean both simultaneously.
  • Strike Three: The third offense someone makes against an individual. If that individual makes numerous strikes over a long period of time, it is the final strike before ending a relationship.
  • Grenade Launcher: A stronger, larger, more powerful, and deadlier version of the Grenade. The relationship between Grenade and Grenade Launcher is much like the relationship between Grendel and Grendel's mother. While one is known to terrorize a hall of warriors, the other will utterly destroy it.
  • Creatures: An unattractive, badly-behaved, and often violent female. Just like eskimos have 700 words for snow, the guido has as many variations of this insult. See also: hippos, linebackers, elephants, zoo creatures.

Now, it is time to see these gladiators in the ring. Pollice verso.

Women Cause Fights: Like a pride of lions, the male guido is powerful and vicious and fights among each other, but they only fight over women. Also, like lionesses with poofier manes, the females are the real hunters, and not only do they like to instigate fights between the men, but they are more than willing to scrap with each other.

That is just what happens here during the epic battle between Ronnie and a stupid asshole who won't leave him alone at the Beachcomber. After annoying the entire crew all night, this drunk jerk follows Ronnie and Sammi Quiznos as they walk home from the bar. The jerk is clearly taunting Ronnie, but it is Sammi who makes the situation worse, taunting him back and even picking on his girlfriend's rather tacky sundress and fake Louis Vuitton bag. We have well established that SQ is a Helen of Troy type and likes to have men fight over her, and she also knows that no "grown-ass" man will punch her, so she is not afraid of spouting her mouth off.

Eventually, Ronnie has to resort to mild violence to get her to shut up, and shoves her. One should never hit a girl, but Sammi had to know this wasn't going to end well. She scampers off all steamed. After that, frustrated with this jerk and his girl, Ronnie is ready to scrap.

It is very important who makes the first move because the guido believes that whoever throws the first punch is the one who will be arrested and dragged to jail. That is why the both insist they other "come at" him. This is the throwing down of the gauntlet a situation needs to proceed to a full-on fight.

In this case, it is the jerk's woman who comes at Ronnie. This See You Next Tuesday Weld knows that a grown-ass man would never hit her, because then he will be destined to roam the earth alone for all of eternity. Knowing this she gets in Ronnie's face, acting as a shield to keep Ronnie away from her man so he can move in for the kill. Ronnie tries to avoid her, to get a clear shot, but she is nimble and cruel, like a Portuguese Man of War in a shitty printed dress. Once she stings Ronnie with her tentacles of doom, he has been assaulted so whatever he does after that will not cause arrest. But he still can not hit the girl. What to do?

Of course he lunges for her man, landing a solid shot to the head, a knee to the face, and several very hard punches to the head. In short, Ronnie fucked this guy up. Seriously, he had it coming.

See You Next Tuesday Weld tries to pry him off her man, but she only uses one hand, because her bag is too precious to her to put down on the scummy boardwalk, and because, if this man can not defend her honor, then he deserves to be rendered limb from limb. Since Ronnie is alone without a female, there is no one there to challenge her. She's lucky ShamWOWW was in a Vicodin coma, because she would have clawed that woman's eyes out, ground them up, and sprinkled them on her next serving of ham. Still, SYNTW uses the only weapon left to her defense, the atomic wedgie. This does not work because, while uncomfortable, the guido can not be distracted from attacking his victim when he is fully "heated."

Eventually the only thing that can end this fight is the crew's bodyguard (Ronnie told us in last night's live blog that the body guards were always with them, usually ending more fights than they helped prevent) can put an end to the madness, while Ronnie stalks off to blow off his steam.

Brother in Arms: When news of the fight on the boardwalk reaches DJ Paulie Defense and The Situation, they rush to their man's aid. No guido should have to fight alone, and it is completely acceptable for a man's friends to pile on an aggressive attacker, no matter how outnumbered he may be. Ronnie's auxiliary forces are too late for this particular fight, so they aren't very useful.

While girls cause fights between men, an influx of men can end them, but only by leaving a very injured and sorry man at the bottom of their fist-pumping scrum. But it is probably best for DJ Paulie Day-Late and The Situation that they didn't have to get their knuckles bloody because, as we will see in a minute, the male is really the peaceful member of the tribe.

Girl on Girl Action: The only person who can attack a woman is another woman, and when they do the results are ferocious. Here Snooki is acting on The Situation's behalf and trying to get rid of Alex, the girl he wanted to hook up with, her friend Grenade, and her other friend Grenade Launcher (aka Hippo). We first met Grenade a few weeks ago, when she was the pissy priss who was trying to keep The Situation from getting lad. Now she is back, and she's mad as hell.

When Snooki nicely asks Grenade and Hippo to leave, they respond by calling Snooki a bitch or something else, and that is all she needs to go after the girl. The men always want to keep the peace and please the women in this extremely matriarchal society, so they are trying to keep the women apart. This is the real reason why the must pump up their muscles, because it is hard to keep these shrieking banshees from rendering each other asunder.

They certainly can't keep these girls apart. The Grenade launches a drink at Snooki, who lunges for her. While a man holds her back, King Hippo sneaks out from behind her for a sucker punch and connects with the pinned down Snooki. And cut to a commercial for Bumpits!

When we get back, the fight is still taking place, and Grenade and King Hippo have to be forcibly removed from the property and the police called. While the altercation between Ronnie and Jerkface ended relatively peacefully as soon as they two were separated, the women are much more vindictive and only the threat of a night in jail next to a bunch of toothless hookers who got kicked out of the bathroom of Bamboo is enough to scare the straight.

Car Fight: Occasionally a romantic kerfuffle will erupt between a male and a female, as it does here between Ronnie and a very drunk Sammi Quiznos. Ronnie makes an innocent joke about her feet being big and she somehow escalates this into a world-devastating event. The fight is so stupid that Snooki—yes, pickle-slurping, back-flipping, duck-phone-hating Snooki—has to try to talk some sense into her.

Even though this altercation leads to Ronnie being "back" for a short time, he knows he has to go back and apologize. In this society, the women hold all the cards. Not only are they free to fight one another and cause the men to have fights, but they also pick the fights with their men. And they are never wrong. It is up to man to apologize and appease them, so that he will be allowed back into her good graces. He will eventually be forgiven, but only after a suitable period of punishment and some severe acts of self-degradation. As Ronnie says, he'd even suck Sammi's toe if she would forgive him (and Sammi told everyone in the live blog last night that he did not, and that she doesn't like toe sucking).

The reason that a woman picks a fight with her man is because she wants him constantly under her control. If he's always wrong and always trying to make her happy so that he can get laid, she will always have the upper hand and can do as she pleases. This is a very deft strategy. It also means that her man is always trying to make up for some perceived slight, so he has to treat her better than he might be inclined when the skies are sunny and bright. Breaking up may be hard to do, but making up is even harder, and brings out the sweet, sensitive, and giving side of the male.

GTL, Baby: Finally, we have discovered the secret recipe for being a good guido, and that is gym, tanning, laundry. All one needs to be successful with this clan is to work out every day, get some fake tan, and then make sure your crystallized T-shirts are nice and clean. It is much like the schedule a young Gatsby lays out for himself in his journal as a boy. The rigor and discipline involved in such an ascetic lifestyle will certainly lead one to a life of wealth, luxury, and lusting after a fickle and abusive woman. It is not a hard regimen to follow, and based on the darkness of The Situation's tan and the deep cleavage between his abdominal muscles, it is equally effective.

However, young Vinny of the big family and plucked eyebrows does not believe in this three-step plan. Does that mean he is not a guido? He previously worried about not being as dark or big as his housemates. Is it because he is only a guido poser who is not fully devoted to the lifestyle? Will he one day marry a girl who is not Italian and settle into a life of dinner parties in Brooklyn with a bunch of hip young professionals who talk about NPR and the prices of the stock market? Is his lack of GTL going to keep him from being nothing but another also ran and a—as John Waters would call him—a neuter? Only time will tell.

Native Tongue:

Vinny: "He wined her, he dined her, he took her out, right before I hooked up with her."

Vinny: "I usually don't feel bad about taking someone's girl per se, because that's the girl's fault."

Vinny: "[The Situation's sister] looks like Mike with a wig on."

Ronnie: "[The Situation's sister] is like Mike without a six pack."

The Situation: "When we're on the battlefield, I"m the first strike. They send me out first. Like the Navy SEALS, they send them in quick."

Snooki: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to push him off."

Sammi: "I'm not like every other Jersey Girl."

Snooki: "I hate guys, I'm turning lesbian. I swear."

DJ Paulie D: "It's hard to find a good guy. That's why I date girls."

Snooki: "What's wrong with me. I always pick losers."

DJ Paulie D: "Honey, I'm home."

Snooki: "Are you really mad about that? I'd like to smack you in the fucking face for that."

Ronnie: "I'm trying to convince you that I care. If I didn't I'd just walk away and go find another creature outside."

DJ Paulie D: "Ronnie's in full creep mode. Now we can go have some fucking fun."

Sammi: "Guys are all the same. I put money on it he comes home with a bitch tonight and gets with her. If he comes home with a bitch, wake me up."

Ronnie: "I'll suck your fucking big toe right now, I don't give a fuck."

Snooki: "Lick my ass."

The Situation: "I was excited for Alec to come back but she rolls up with two giant bodyguards and one fo them was the same grenade as last time. I was like come no, this is totally ruining my life right now."

DJ Paulie D: "The Situation expects me to jump on a grenade, but I"m not taking one for the team for The Situation. I learned a long time ago being wingman for The Situation is a bad idea."

Grenade: "I'll rock your world, you fucking bitch."

Snooki: "Learn how to bring home a nice girl so I don't have to get hit.

Sammi: "You don't even belong here. You don't even look Italian."

Vinny: "Looks like your ride's here."

DJ Paulie D: "Snooks gets hit in the face again, poor girl. She needs to take karate classes or learn self defense or something. Someone needs to teach her how to fight. Or duck."

The Situation: "I necessarily didn't want to bring home any zoo creatures whatsoever. I mean these broads probably just smelled the food at the house."

Snooki: "I'm like oh my god. Fucking Christmas."

Ronnie: "I don't fucking need this shit. I'm fucking 24 fucking years old. I don't need to fucking fight over a fucking girl at Seaside, bro."