It is with a heavy heart that we must end the most important sociological experiment of our time. For all that we have learned we are, there is still so much left unanswered about these mystical creatures.

We have all become experts on the looks, loves, and language of the seven guidos that have shared a scant month in the over-sized aquarium of Seaside Heights, but there are still some behaviors that even we can't figure out. Another round of investigation must be launched post haste (and supposedly it is). Though our subject may be tarnished by this initial observation, having to start anew with a whole different generation of the animals might prove disastrous. We'd much rather stick with the patterns that we have already established rather than having to relearn the strange dances and intricate ignorances of a whole new tribe.

What is our biggest question of all? Where the hell does ShamWOWW disappear to? She is like of like that salamander with huge titties and yellow spots on her head that always hides behind the little piece of drift wood in the corner of your tank whenever the light is on. But when you sneak up on her, you catch her fighting with all the other salamanders and being a total wasted mess. Where exactly does she do when everyone else is having fun and why aren't we invited? We want to see more of ShamWOWW, especially if she's out getting obliterated and probably hitting on inappropriate men and most likely snorting Vicodin off the toilet paper holder in the ladies' room at the Beachcomber.

Our other biggest question is whether or not Vinny actually thinks he's funny. Initially timid and shy, as our well-manicured monkey grew more and more familiar with the cameras he began to emerge and we learned that he was cute, sweet, earnest, and a little bit of a lush, but, no, he is not funny. However, he cackled at his own joke—the very unfunny revenge against The Situation where he hung a stuffed bulldog from the ceiling with a Sharpee-made T-shirt that said "The Situation's #1 Girl." Didn't these kids work in a T-Shirt shop? Didn't he have access to professional materials to make this sartorial satire? Wouldn't a touch of class made the joke funnier? And why did he feel the need to explain it? Was the reaction of forced hilarity not enough for him? Did he want everyone to praise his non-existent comedic skills? We already know that he is not a disciple of the ancient rigorous exercise of GTL (that is "gym, tanning, and laundry" to the novitiate). Would he be wittier and more at ease in The Situation's situation if he were buffer, darker, and cleaner? This is why we must have more time to study! A grant is needed!

But before we launch another round of testing, let us first fully understand the jargon that is associated with our subjects.

  • Sleeping on the Ground: To be knocked out by a punch and lying on the floor. This is bad news for the sleeper, but to leave someone in this state is a high compliment for a guido. In fact, if a fight does not end this way, it is not a victory and the thrower of the punch will not be afforded the admiration of his peers of sexual congress with his intended mate.
  • Gorillas: Large, muscle-bound men, particularly ones of Italian heritage with deep tans and tattoos. Contrary to the connotation of their name, they are more often than not hairless throughout the torso.
  • Juice Heads: A man whose musculature is so large and over-emphasized that it is obvious from even the most cursory of observations that he is on steroids or "multiple growth hormone." This is something that attracts the female of the species, even though the enormous muscles usually mean a minuscule penis. These are actually the preferred dimensions for a man, because it makes them adept at "smooshing," their tantamount Tantric sexual activity.
  • Brawly: To be so pumped full of steroids that one looks like he is ready to fight at any moment. The look is usually accompanied by rapid mood changes and near psychosis of men on juice, so it is not just a look, but a state of mind.

Now that we are all speaking the same language, let us explore the final mysteries of our tribe.

Why Can't Snooki Get Laid?: Though much maligned by the men and women outside of her small clan, Snooki is always the life of the party. She's cute, funny, outfitted, tanned, poofed, and everything a good guidette needs to be. So, why does she find it nearly impossible to get laid?

As the episode begins we find her searching for a date for some reason. Does she have a prom to go to? Is she really from the old country and needs an American to marry her so she can stay in the country? Why is she so furious for a date when the entire summer she was happy just to suck the juice out of a pickle?

She calls Keith, the gorgeous and gracious guy who she met just a few days previously. The problem is that he is Irish and speaks a foreign dialect of English known as "cowboy." ShamWOWW refers to him as "monotone Keith," not because he has no inflection, but because she doesn't understand a word that he is saying. It's like when a person from Beijing tries to talk to someone from Shanghai—they are both Chinese but their languages are so far apart, they can't make sense of one another. Because of the communication differences, gorgeous Keith refuses to return to the playground of Seaside, leaving our Snickerdoodle alone on her own.

Adding insult to romantic injury, she also runs into her ex boyfriend. He is partying at a hotel pool that is on the rooftop of the boardwalk stores. When Snooki first walks by, a man demands she come up and join him. She says no and demands he comes down. He declines her offer. This shows that for a sexual relationship to begin one of the parties must acquiesce to the will of the other by doing his or her bidding. Once it is determined who is the active partner and who is the passive partner, the roles are set for the entirety of their interaction through all time from Prehistoric Kindergarten to Future Graduation. If neither will be the passive partner, then the relationship must end.

Next, Snooki sees her ex. She yells for him to come down, and he refuses. However, he does not invite her up. This shows that he doesn't want to be active partner or passive partner with Snooki. He doesn't want her at all. This breaks her little heart, which leads us to our next conundrum.

Why Did Snooki and The Situation Hook Up?: Snooki was so upset by the treatment at the hands of men, that she was crying on the deck when The Situation came to comfort her. It was the sweetest thing he's ever done. Next thing you know, they are in the hot tub together.

Is this because on the cast's final night The Situation didn't try to pick up a girl so he needed to prey on one in the house? Does he not know what to do with himself if he is not pursuing sex? Does he need a hobby? Is he an addict? Should he share a room with Tiger? We don't know.

What we do know is why the deal wasn't sealed. When cavorting in the toxic brew of the tub Snooki motioned to The Situation and he moved forward to kiss her. She gave the order and he responded. That means he is the passive partner. Yet, after a bit of hanky panky, he decided that he did not enjoy the passive role, because he had seen the pink strap-on that matches Snooki's cor-sette and he did not think that he was ready for that Situation. In retaliation, he pulls her hair to reassert dominance. Snooki just giggles. She has him in her French-manicured talons, and is not letting go. His only option is to leave—which he does.

Did Sammi and Ronnie Really Break Up?: After a charming dinner alone together and professing their love for one another, Sammi Quinzos and Ron Ron Juiced seemed in the prefect position when leaving the shore house. However, this experiment would not be complete if they didn't engage in one more senseless fight during the reunion show (witness the return of Trash Bags!).

There was some unearthed footage of Sammi and The Situation lying in bed talking. Yes, they were fully clothed. No, nothing happened. Sammi did disclose that she flirted with "The Cop," who is the only straight member of the Pillage Veeple, central New Jersey's premiere "Y.M.C.A." cover band. Ronnie already knew this, so why he is so upset about the new footage is still unclear.

Well, not totally unclear. Their relationship is based on strife, and they will continue to have petty battles well after Sammi pops out two kids and loses her figure and Ronnie stops doing juice and his muscles fade to flab. Then Sammi, working as a dental hygenist in Elizabeth, New Jersey, will start banging the doctor she works for. Then she will leave Ronnie and Elizabeth and move next door to one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey and will join the cast in its 12th season. This will happen in 2022, the year of the beast.

So does it matter if they're still together? Not really.

What the Hell Happened to the Duck Phone?: Everyone left the house but it seems that no one took their household god, the Duck Phone. It was explained on the reunion show that the phone had "morphed."

It appears that this phone was so mistreated by the residents that it went from protecting them and offering them a line of communication to the outside world to hating the very beings that worshiped it. The final slight seemed to be the morning Ronnie was getting bailed out of jail and the phone's flurry of quacks went unanswered for a long time while everyone was asleep with visions of Jaegger shots dancing in their heads. This angered the god, and his eyes burned red with ire.

That is why The Situation couldn't get any girls on the phone and why Snooki was spurned by her would-be future husband Gorgeous Keith over a land line. This was their punishment. He turned into an evil, angry god.

What will he do now that he has been abandoned? He will squawk aimlessly into the deep, dark night waiting for another group of suitable followers who will make sacrifices in his name. He will have his revenge, and call waiting will never be the same again!

Where Is Danielle, Agent of Mossad?: Last we saw stalker Danielle, she was laying in DJ Paulie Diabolical's bed, trying to get him to travel to Israel and bolster the gene pool of her people. Then, like a potato chip in a hot tub, she disappeared into a soggy mess never to be heard from again.

DJ Paulie DNA clarified on the reunion show that when he wouldn't return her calls she drove up to Rhode Island to talk to him in person. He apparently sent her packing, but she will not go down without a fight. In fact, we hear that she is working on a spin off with The Grenade and Trashtastic Paula called Furious Female Fighter Force where each week the Duck Phone quacks and a mysterious voice on the other end gives them a case. It usually ends in the destruction of a guido. Every time that phone rings, a blow-out loses its poof. Also an angel vomits sausage and potatoes all over God's feet. Such is the power of this unique animal.

Native Tongue:

Sammi: "This summer, I slept with Ronnie every single night."

Ronnie: "I spent the night…in county for over reacting, I guess, like the degenerate that I'm not. And it's not cool cause I'm not a criminal."

The Situation: "It went from having a nice night, no fight to snap of a finger and Ronnie's in jail."

Ronnie: "I regret that I got caught, I don't regret that I hit the kid, because he had it coming."

Snooki: "Give me a call when you get this, or I'll give you a call like a stalker."

The Situation: "Big is out and lean is in."

Snooki:"I don't see any fucking guido juice heads. You woke me up for nothing."

The Situation: "Eventually, I make my way over to some girls and do what I do best, which is pimpin'."

The Situation:"It's sort of like a Chuck E Cheese, for dudes."

DJ Paulie D: "We'll take that with us forever, that bond. That was deep. That was fucking deep."

The Situation: "If a guy doesn't like you, same as if a girl doesn't like me, it's called, "Fuck you," and there are so many other people out there."

The Situation: "Here at the shore, one minute you have 3 girls in the hot tub, the next minute someone's getting arrested."