Fat Guys with Hot Wives: A TV Timeline
In real life, fat guys never get the girl. Duh. But real life be damned! In TV land, anything is possible...including being a fat slob and still having a sexy and sometimes submissive wife. These are those lucky men.
Starting with a 50's classic and going right up to one of TV's most popular new shows, this chronology of fat men on TV with arm candy that puts yours to shame will undoubtedly make you order some greasy Chinese food which you will subsequently wash down with with a giant slice of cake and beer. You know, to bulk up. And not in the good way. Because, according to these shows, good looking women love the fatties. So get to gorging, guys!
Think we missed some of TV's surliest and burliest? Add them in the comments!
Jackie Gleason pioneered this radical idea that, through the magic of TV, beautiful women actually fall in love with fat, obnoxious men. Naturally, when he created The Honeymooners, he hired himself as the lead and the gorgeous Audrey Meadows as his wife. Not only did Ralph Kramden bag a chick way out of his league, but he got away with threatening domestic violence, too. Ahhh, the 1950's. One of these days, Alice, I swear! Pow! Right in the kisser! Totally swoon worthy, right girls?
Cartoons weren't exempt from this formula. It's pretty well known that Fred Flintstone was modeled after Ralph from The Honeymooners. Wilma, one of the best looking babes in Bedrock, knew how to cater to her husband's beck and call. In this clip, Wilma found way to capitalize on her looks, by becoming the spokesperson for the mouthwatering steak that she was supposed to be serving Fred at that very moment! Instead of being home, she was on a commercial, singing to all the submissive hot wives out there that they should feed their hubbies to keep them happy. A very hungry Fred saw the irony of the situation, but didn't find it funny, so he broke the TV. Cavemen will be cavemen!
The Simpsons are the gold standard for the modern cartoon family. Homer's entire essence is based around Duff beer and donuts, so to say he's known for being dopey and fat is an understatement. Marge on the other hand is patient, kind, and was hot enough to appear in Playboy, so I don't think I need to argue the case here. They pretty much speak for themselves.
Carl Winslow is everyone's favorite fat cop and Harriet is his super sassy spouse. And while she may not be Sofia Vergara, she's super feisty, funny and not afraid to tear her hubby a new one when he deserves it. Confidence like that is pretty sexy, if you ask me. The two bicker, fight, but at the end of the day are super adorable. Apparently, the chubby Carl was skinny in high school, but, like every good suburban cop, put on about 60 extra pounds when he donned the blue uniform. Self conscious about his weight, he doesn't want to show up to his school's reunion because he's afraid everyone will judge him. Can you blame the guy? The only reason to go to a high school reunion is if you know you look better than everyone else. There are entire episodes of Maury devoted to this topic alone!
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (1990)
Uncle Phil might be the only person on this list who actually deserves his gorgeous wife. Vivian Banks is one of the best looking TV moms of all time (The replacement Vivian, that is. The actress changed after the third season). And, sure he's fat, but he's also smart, rich and works it. He doesn't just accept the fat jokes thrown his way by Will and Geoffrey, he takes the teasing and chucks it right back. Plus, he can dance! How can you not watch this and be instantly smitten by his sweet moves?
The writers on this show weren't exactly being subtle about Kevin James' expanding waistline with episode titles like "Fat City" and "Fatty McButterpants." Yet, the relationship between Doug and Carrie is barely affected by weight. In fact, Doug seems to have no problem keeping the relationship spicy...you know, by showing his wife how reallywork a pole. Because what good is a hot wife who doesn't know how to be a freak in the bed? Not very good at all. Unless she can cook.
Charlotte went from a tall strapping gorgeous guy (who had serious mommy issues) to Harry Goldenblatt. Her short, bald, pudgy divorce lawyer. Sure, their relationship had some superficial squabbles (Charlotte is kind of a brat like that, and the guy sweats. A lot.) but in the end she realized she would end up a dried old maid if she didn't marry Harry. So they ended up together and adopted a foreign baby. Before it was trendy! Hear that, Angelina Jolie? Before it was trendy.
The Simpsons, but with New England accents and more T&A jokes.
What better way to illustrate how gross Jim Belushi is than to juxtapose his hairy ass crack with that of a straight-out-of-a-porno-fantasy Poland Spring guy? My real question is, why would his wife Chery l(Melrose Place alum and resident hottie Courtney Thorne-Smith) torture herself with that hot guy every Tuesday morning? Because even a little eye candy is better than nothing.
Sean and Claudia were high school sweethearts. Then he got her pregnant in the back of a car, and they did what all good Irish Catholics do. Got married! Fast forward fifteen years and three kids later, and Claudia is still looking pretty good. Sean? He's not as bad as other husbands on the list, but only because some people find the whole rugged mountain man thing hot. Either way, this clip shows that Claudia's clearly wiser than most of the good looking wives, as a sexy fantasy about her brother-in-law causes Sean to question their chemistry. Maybe the answer is hidden somewhere in that beer gut of his.
Much like The Honeymooners, George Lopez (the comedian) had a huge hand in shaping George Lopez (the show). Just because he's not funny doesn't mean he's an idiot. The actress hired to play his TV wife is stunning. Not so much when she's drunk dancing, like in this clip (although I guess that depends on how you like your girls - sober and annoying or drunk and freewheeling), but when you're TV George Lopez, you take what you can get. And if all you can get is your wife grinding to your wedding song, than so be it.
Back in the late '80's, Ed O'Neill was America's favorite dysfunctional dad, Al Bundy. But back then, he wouldn't have made this list. Peggy Bundy, while hilarious, was not exactly hot by normal standards. Trailer park standards? I'll allow it. On Modern Family, Jay (who is Al Bundy, but really, really rich) wins the prize for being the ugliest, oldest, fattest guy to have the hottest wife. Granted, Gloria comes with some stock-lowering baggage in the form of a roly-poly old soul of a son, but that kid is too precious for it to be a problem. When I watch Modern Family, I like to think that Al Bundy finally left the shoe store and Peg, started his own business and traded up to the Colombian trophy wife he proudly displays next to his Dog Butler. Does it surprise anyone they met in a swim up bar in Cabo? Didn't think so.
