A Chicago woman has filed suit against MTV, parent company Viacom, and Jersey Shore pugilists Snooki and JWOWW after the dynamic duo beat the snot out of her at a Miami club in what appears to be a territorial dispute.

See, this girl, Carrie Malec, got all up in the Kool-Aid of some of the other guidos on the show and, if we've learned one thing from the most important sociological experiment of our time, its that guidettes don't like other "hippos" encroaching on their space. So they approached her and beat her up. These people don't call a dance floor "the battlefield" for nothing. This incident allegedly occurred on May 5 at a nightclub called Tantra. Really? This girl went to a nightclub called Tantra in Miami and didn't think she might get savaged by a roaming pack of rabid guidettes? Come on!

The honorable Miss Malec is not only suing for "more than $75,000" for Snooki and JWOWW inflicting physical pain (colloquially known as "a can of whoop ass") and emotional distress on her, but she's also suing the network and its corporate parent for "running a criminal enterprise" by profiting off the criminal acts (i.e. fighting) of its employees (i.e. those caged guido assault machines). This isn't a new trick, since one of the guys that Ronnie beat up last season already used it in a lawsuit back in May.

The best part is that the lawsuit says the episode with the offensive footage hasn't been shown yet, but it's already in the promo (Where? Where? Which One Is She?) and she is afraid that means she's going to be on the show. The lawsuit says, "If the episode is allowed to air, PLAINTIFF will be thrust into the public spotlight without her consent after being beaten and humiliated by DEFENDANTS. The airing of the episode would cause increased emotional distress."

I don't know, Carrie, now you're already in the public spotlight and that sounds like pretty fucking awesome episode to me. You should be proud.

Here's the whole lawsuit. Click on any page below to expand:

[Photo, top left, via Getty]