Couples cannot figure out how to sleep together. Teens are too wired to slumber. And celebrities think they're so special they don't even need to sleep. Does this sleep crisis threaten to destroy America? You could say that, yes.

  • No sleep for couples: after Americans hang out with someone for a few months and get tired of having sex with them all the time, they face the terror of being forced to sleep together, in a bed. The WSJ reports on some of America's most romantic solutions to the problem: "Wear a mask," "Get your own sheets and blankets," "Host bedroom 'visiting hours,'" create a "a mountain of enormous body pillows" between you and your partner, or the old standby, "Build another bedroom." Says one adherent of the last method, "People in the 1800s were considered rich if they had separate rooms as married couples. That is what we keep reminding each other." Who says romance is dead?
  • No sleep for teens: Playstations. Computers. The internet. The Wii. And lots and lots of sexxxting. With all these myriad elec-sex-tronic distraction, teens these days simply are not sleeping enough. According to the WaPo, "Experts say 80 percent of adolescents don't get their recommended sleep, about nine hours." There are lots of side effects, so we'll sum them up for you: teens are stupid.
  • No sleep for celebrities: Already at odds with all that is decent and upstanding, famous celebrities seem to have no trouble publicly declaring their distaste for sleep, a process necessary for human life. New York's two most loathsome individuals—gym desecrater David Barton and our overcontrolling nemesis Martha Stewart—both tell the NY Post that they do not care for sleep. "People who sleep eight or nine hours, look what they miss!" declares Martha, immodestly. They miss the Martha Stewart show, and gain the world of dreams, Martha. A more than fair bargain, is it not?

Go take Ambien and masturbate immediately, America.

[Photo via Shutterstock.com]

Click to view