Mystic tanned to the point of unrecognizability, Bristol Palin promises to stay true to herself on primetime TV. Rachel Uchitel gets barred from Park Avenue. Paris Hilton gets barred from Vegas nightclubs. Wednesday gossip can only go so far.

  • The Situation plans to be an "underdog" on Dancing With the Stars, whereas the "naturally shy" Bristol Palin plans to be the one with the "most modest outfits," "because that's who I am." Given how quickly she converted to Hollywood's cult of the mystic tan, I'm skeptical. Anyway, Bristol thinks she'll be good at DWTS because, though she has "no experience in dance... I come from an athletic background." Those sled dogs don't mush themselves, you know. [TVWatch, Popeater]
  • Rachel Uchitel wants to buy a new apartment (With the hush money Tiger gave her, or the exploitation pay Dr. Drew gave her?) but no co-op or condo board will let her in. The National Enquirer says she wants a $2 million Park Avenue condo, and even though she has the money, the board is "fighting tooth and nail to keep her out." Here's what a "real estate insider" says:

  • They consider Rachel a homewrecker and money-grubber, and don't buy into the idea that she is a respectable celebrity. Rachel believes she made her money fair and square and should be able to buy whatever apartment she can afford. But the other homeowners feel she helped break up Tiger's marriage and profited from it, and she's not the type of person they want as a neighbor.

  • Park Avenue co-ops: Our last stand against literally whoremongering fameballs? Of course, the best possible outcome for Uchitel and Park Avenue matrons would be "mutual destruction," but we'll settle for a handful of juicy culture clashes. [NatEnq via Celebslam]
  • Speaking of blacklists: Slowly but surely, the legally troubled Paris Hilton is getting blacklisted from every club in Las Vegas, where authorities have been cracking down on gaming and liquor licenses. With a pending felony drug case on the books, Paris is now a liability. (Doesn't help that her club mogul boyfriend lost his job over his role in her drug bust.) When you party so hard that Vegas won't have you, you have officially gone too far. [People]
  • Bethenny Frankel is quitting Real Housewives of New York because "Last season was scary and painful. It took all of the joy out of it." Also, now that she's a big enough star to win her own TV series, what is she doing on an ensemble cast? [Us]
  • Jon Gosselin blackmails Kate regularly with the threat of reporting her to Child Services, says Hailey Glassman, the ex-girlfriend who ridiculed Jon's penis, the one who Jon says trashed his apartment and pinned an angry note to his desk with a butcher knife. These people are the worst. [Radar]
  • Chace Crawford went to a bar and couldn't get the "leggy cocktail waitress" to notice him. "He was like a schoolboy looking to give the teacher an apple." Even over-groomed teen idols have off days. [P6]
  • International playboy and Paris Hilton yacht host Jho Low is trying to clean up his reputation, with a series of interviews in Malaysia, where he is from. "I am not an excessive person," he says before diving into a story about how Leonardo DiCaprio invited Mick Jagger to party at the World Cup with him. [P6]
  • In the wake of his pricey divorce from Elin Nordegren, Tiger Woods has taken out a $54 million mortgage on the "mega-mansion" he's building on Florida's Jupiter Isand. He promises to pay back the loan by 2016, which suggests he plans to make a massive wad of cash, fast. Maybe he's ready to accept that AshleyMadison.com endorsement? [TMZ]
  • Michael Douglas on his throat cancer: "I'll beat this." Catherine Zeta-Jones says the "hardest part is seeing his fatigue, because Michael is never tired." [People, People]
  • The L.A. County Sheriff is interviewing Mel Gibson for the third time, this time about his claim that allegedly abused ex-girlfriend Oksana extorting him. This case will never end. [TMZ]