For the guidos of Jersey Shore, the most important sociological experiment of our time, the women stick with the women and the men stick with the men. That has changed as the ladies fight and claw with unrestrained viciousness.

Right now, all we can say is, "Wow," in reaction to the footage we saw of our test subjects last night. The dispatches we've been receiving about our eight precious guidos have been a little lackluster ever since their great migration to Miami, but the footage we have to analyze from last night is sure up to the caliber of our previous observations. There were hookups, fights, trannies, cooking, and the return of Snooki's poof. There hasn't been a night like this since late September back in '63.

One of the more important things that we learned might just save your life. We knew that the guido—or any twentysomething, for that matter—is prone to getting debilitatingly wasted, but we didn't know how they dispose of the bodies, as it were. When a guido gets so shitfaced that his hair gets messy and he makes out with Trash Bags in the back of the cab, he must be immediately escorted to bed. If he is allowed to stay upright, he might vomit, and if he vomits then he will have puke breath, a condition that is as dangerous to a guido as sunlight is to a vampire. To prevent this from happening, they are laid down, but there is a very specific posture in which they must be situated.

The guido is to be placed, face down, on the bed and, most importantly, one leg must be hanging off the bed at all times? Why is this? Well, there was a spell placed on The Original Guido (whose name is so sacred it can not be written down on paper or anything that might be mistaken for paper) by an evil witch. This spell says that if the Original Guido or any of his subsequent heirs gets so inebriated that he falls over, the effects of the liquor will be lifted off his body and he will be completely sober again. But how does that translate to one leg being left off the bed? Well, if a drunk person lying in bed has one foot hanging off the mattress and tries to roll over in the middle of the night, he will naturally roll toward the dangling appendage, sending him falling off the bed. Once he hits the ground, he will be immediately sober and free from the terrors of puke breath.

There is nothing a guido hates more than losing a good buzz, so they don't allow each other to fall over and lose their hard-won state of drunkenness unless it is a life or death circumstance. Now, if a person is so drunk that he must be put down and his leg weren't hanging off the bed, he might roll over onto his back and then, if he vomits in his sleep, he will choke on the vomit and die. But even worse than death, he will die with puke breath. This means that his eternal soul will go to the worst hell imaginable. In it everyone is pale with flat hair, saggy skin, and no muscles. All the clothing covers them from head to toe, there is no music or dancing allowed, there is no alcohol to be found and fighting, hooking up, and cursing are banned. Yes, this is the eternal torture that awaits a guido who dies with puke breath.

Now that we have learned the maneuver that not only saves a guido's life but also his eternal soul, let us learn two new words that will help us understand their internal conflicts

  • DTS: This stands for "down to snuggle," and is the more innocent euphemism for DTF, or down to fuck. This is the term a male uses for a female because it makes him seem sweet and innocent and like he's really excited to get to first base. Usually the charm works so well that he gets to go all the way. However, to his friends, he would never confess to be DTS because it is a sign of weakness and somewhat quaint. It's like if he said, "Shut the front door," instead of, "Shut the fuck up." Anyway, it helps with the ladies.
  • Shalom: Everyone knows that this is the Hebrew word for hello, goodbye, and welcome home, as the song teaches us. However guidos believe that this is how you say "cheers" in any foreign language, especially if the guido is wearing a sombrero at the time. Whenever they want to seem "classy" they use this word before taking a shot.

Now that we have addressed that, let's say "shalom" to the central conflict at hand: JWOWW versus Sammi. It seems that Sammi is still upset about The Letter she got about Ronnie hooking up with other girls and then coming home to share her bed. Because she's "done" with Ronnie she is taking her frustrations out on the other girls in the house. JWOWW and Snooki take Trash Bags to the beach (after hours and hours of searching for it, because they have never even bothered to travel the two blocks to go there in all their time in Miami) and tell her that she better not tell anyone that they wrote the note and try to convince her that she is as involved as they are. The plan always seemed to be to rope her in and then blame it on her when all the shit went down. Trash Bags keeps going along with it because she doesn't want to be ostracized by the rest of the ladies.

They're still discussing this when they get back to the house and Snooki decides that she's going to do the honorable thing and tell Sammi that she wrote the note, so she sends her newest minion, Trash Bags, in to get Sammi. Before this can happen, The Situation tells Sammi that the girls are talking about her. Because Sammi doesn't like to move all that often and due to the intelligence (ha!) The Situation just gave her, she refuses to get off the couch. This annoys Snooki and she forgets her plan altogether, but it is enough to awaken the evil creature that lives inside of JWOWW.

[There was a video here]

Now, it's not like JWOWW has a split personality, but when she had her breast augmentation the saline implants were made with water that was taken from a well that was dug on an old Indian burial ground. There was a vicious spirit in that water and once it was placed into JWOWW's body, it started to take over. Whenever there is confrontation or alcohol involved, the spirit awakens and the benevolent, loyal, and fun-loving girl we know as JWOWW loses control to this malevolence. That is why, when Sammi confronts her, she wants to fight for no apparent reason.

And they do have a great verbal altercation and once that dark beast is working JWOWW's body like a sinister puppeteer, it tells Sammi everything. It says that everyone knew about Ronnie and that no one told her that he was cheating on her. Then Ronnie gets involved and says it wasn't even cheating because he was single. Shut up, Ronnie, the girls are fighting right now. Be smart like the other guys and stay out of it. But he can't! Then he accuses the girls of being bad friends because they knew about him cheating and didn't tell Sammi for so long. OK, this is sort of a brilliant strategy, to deflect blame from himself by putting it on Snooki and JWOWW. Brilliant move, Ron Ron.

But Sammi walks away from this fight, pissed that whoever wrote the note won't fess up. Sammi does what is natural for her, she returns to bed to read The Letter for the 6,592,385th time. Nothing on it has changed, Sammi, and it is all true because it is down on paper.

After things calm down a bit and the dark force returns to JWOWW's left breast implant, everyone has a calm discussion about The Letter. Sometimes you just need a flare-up in order to clear the air, and it's nice to see Sammi and Ronnie have the first calm, mature discussion about their circumstance since—well, ever! But Sammi can't forget The Letter, because it is written down on paper, and she can't figure out who did it. She knows, deep down inside that it was Snooki and JWOWW but she wants them to confess. Either that or she is so dim that she can't figure out it was the two of them and is wondering around life completely blind, like Velma from Scooby Doo without her glasses. She can't see anything without her glasses!

When the girls cook dinner—Penne a la Vodka, what else—Sammi refuses to help JWOWW, and even passive aggressively won't touch her food, sticking to the simple iceberg-and-Italian-dressing salad she made herself. Later, at work Sammi tries to convince Trash Bags that they're friends now. See, this puts Trash Bags in a very interesting position. Sammi has no friends, so she has to be friends with Trash Bags. Also, Snooki and JWOWW need her to keep her big trap shut about The Letter, so she's basically in control of the whole dynamic. But she is tired of being SnookWOWW's little bitch and decides she's going to get Sammi wise about the letter.

She decides it's time to play every seventh grade gossip's favorite game, "I"m not going to tell you, but if you guess, I'll say yes." Here is how the conversation went:

"Was it Vinny?" Sammi asks.
"No."
"Was in The Situation?"
"No."
"Was it Enzo, our boss?"
"No."
"Was it you?"
"No. Duh."
"Was it the Duck Phone?"
"Hmm, maybe. But no."
"Was it Vice President Joe Biden?"
"God, no!"
"Was it Guglielmo Marconi, founder of the radio telegraph system?"
"No!"
"Gosh, I don't know."
"Jesus, Sammi! It was Snooki and JWOWW!"
"Really? Huh."

Sammi is pissed that she knows the truth, even though it wasn't written down. So when everyone comes back from the club drunk, she is looking for a brawl. JWOWW was talking to her boyfriend on the phone and said DJ Paulie Drunk was wasted and Trash Bags started talking shit about JWOWW to her new bestie, Sammi. Vinny went and told JWOWW who (despite wearing the uniform she got when she worked for a week as a cocktail waitress at an Indian-themed reservation casino in Oklahoma) decided to confront Trash Bags. Sammi took the opportunity to get involved and make the fight about, what else, The Letter.

[There was a video here]

Can that evil beast inside of JWOWW fight or what? She clearly wins this fight, even though Sammi connects with a Snooki-caliber punch at the end. We knew Sammi loves to fight with her mouth, but we never thought could actually scrap. This was all we've seen of the fight so far, so we'll have to wait for the aftermath next week.

At least the girls weren't fighting over a boy, but did you notice that, in both cases, they were fighting because of the boys? First, The Situation told Sammi the girls were talking shit, then Vinny told JWOWW that Trash Bags was talking shit—still the capital offense against the Guido Code. It's like the men need the women to be at odds with each other so that they're so preoccupied with their petty squabbles and silly arguments that they stay out of the guys' way when they go out creepin' and hoin' and gettin' wasted.

Speaking of creeping, The Situation caught the eye of a blonde girl at the club—that seems to be his favorite flavor—and convinced her to go home with him. We thought we recognized this girl. Had we seen her dark tan, stingy hair, and flattened rictus before? Had we. Yes! It was Lizzie Grubman. The Situation hooked up with famed PR lady and SUV marauder Lizzie Grubman. He brings her home and puts her in the "smash room," but before that, he has to go eat and smoke a cigarette before hooking up with her. There are so many things in guido culture that are the opposite of ours, and this is one of them. Most men, after successfully completing the act of coitus (premature or otherwise) just want to smoke a cigarette and eat a sandwich. But not our Situation. He gets these things out of the way so that he can fully enjoy his time with (someone who isn't really) Lizzie Grubman.

[There was a video here]

What a horrible way to treat a lady, especially noted PR executive Lizzie Grubman! He leaves her alone for 20 minutes, gives her a few quick pumps, and then gets her dressed and sends her on her way. And even worse, he makes it seem like he's being sweet for calling her a cab and then celebrates the fact that he got her out of the house so quickly. Wow, it's like he wants a prize for being the most misogynistic or something.

We're sure once Lizzie got to the cab and shook off the post-sex fuzz from her brain that she was really pissed. She tried to overpower the driver and take control of the cab. She wanted to crash it through the front gates of the hotel complex, but she was too week from the exertion of lying underneath The Situation for 48 seconds. But Lizzie had a plan.

Lizzie is great at throwing parties and connecting people, that's why she's in PR. So she threw a great big party and she invited all of our sociological subjects to be there. She also invited her friend Stefani, because she wanted to connect her with The Situation. Stefani has a square jaw, stringy blonde hair, and a deep voice, just like our Lizzie. She was just Sitch's type! But once Sitch took Stefani home, he was in for a, ahem, big surprise.

[There was a video here]

Yes, Lizzie hired a tranny to seduce The Situation. The whole time they were together, he kept asking Lizzie, "Are you straight? Are you straight?" and that made her think he wasn't. Now, if she can only get a tranny close to him, then he would have sex with the tranny. Once he had sex with the tranny, he would probably end up being gay. The Situation would make a horrible gay-do because, as we have learned, the gay guido is a very confrontational creature who must fight with his mate before he beds him. The Situation is a horrible fighter and, once he realizes he's gay with the help of a tranny, he'll either never get laid again or have to move to Chelsea, stock up on bland polo shirts and khaki cargo shorts and become just another normal, boring gay. No more blinged out clothes, tanning, or eyebrow waxing. No, the gays have dubbed those passe. He'd get to keep the obsession with the gym and the shitty house music though. Regular gays love those.

But The Situation didn't fall for the trap. No, and the guidos have instituted a new rule: If you think there's even a chance the girl is a tranny, then she probably is. This is a very bad policy for the women of the house. Look at them, they have fake body parts, wear trashy clothes, are often in wigs or other hair extensions, plaster on the makeup, are obsessed with self-tanning, and have the aggression of their male counterparts. They're practically trannies! Is this just one more way to torture the guidette, by making her untouchable for any guy who wants to fuck them or is this just a painful double standard? The guidos need to learn to love trannies, because they could learn a lot from each other. They should exist in harmony!

Speaking of living in harmony, Vinny is having a great life these days. He was asleep in his bed when Snooki just leaped in it to join him. He doesn't even need to go out to score pussy anymore, it just comes right to him! We didn't see much of their hookup, but it's the revelations afterward that are, um, impressive.

[There was a video here]

Way to go Vinny! This is the best endorsement you can get on national television. It seems to be something the women in his immediate circle can sense though. The guidette, if you couldn't tell, is obsessed with size. She wants her hair big, her nails long, and her drinks enormous. She also prefers men who are unnaturally large and muscular. The problem with this is that most juiceheads suffer from penile shrinkage, an unfortunate side effect of steroids. That's why the guidette has developed a sort of sixth sense about men with large endowments. It's not that they can necessarily sniff them out, but they feel a sort of disturbance in their aura when one is nearby and it makes them horny and definitely DTF. That is why Snooki, who climbed into the bed of each of her male roommates, settled on Vinny. Without even touching him below the belt, she knew that he would have the, er, most most meat for sausage and peppers night.

It seems that Trash Bags knows this too, because she is going to be after Vinny in the near future. If only Vinny knew about this power, because then he wouldn't have to try to tempt The Situation's sister, Extenuating Circumstances, with his spray tan, fitted hat, and fake $100,000 blinged out rosary. He would just go and stand by her and say, "Hey!" and she would lose her panties and jump on his jock. Such is the gift of being a guido with a huge dick.

But it does not come without its negative side effects. It seems like the trait of having a huge dick is on the same strand of DNA that creates busy eyebrows and, as DJ Paulie Diagnosis will tell you, that means a propensity for pink eye. Between the attraction of all women—including fat women, from whose vaginas (or vaginae if you're a stickler for Latin) the pink eye virus springs—and the bushy eyebrows, there is a propensity for ocular infection. Thankfully this can be cured by very sexy eye doctors. And once they discover Vinny is Italian, the doctors will first make fun of him for being pale and then throw themselves at him and his enormous schlong. See, even with the disease come the benefits.

Alright, folks, until next week! I'm done.