Paparazzi terrorize Britney, who just wants to shop. 12-year-old Jaden Smith gets his first bodyguard. Lindsay Lohan's driving privileges are restored. Milli Vanilli star works on weird comeback. Wednesday gossip makes a list and checks it twice.

  • After having the "best birthday of my life!" at a $5000/night Mexican resort, Britney Spears celebrated her return to America by going Christmas shopping at Walmart. In case you're wondering, the below image depicts what it looks like when Britney Spears goes to Walmart. Girl can't even shop for blue light specials in peace! Nice of that one lady to coordinate wardrobe palettes, though. [TMZ, , images via Bauer-Griffin]
  • 12-year-old Jaden Smith just got his first designated bodyguard. It's the Hollywood Scientologist's version of a bar mitzvah. [P6]
  • Hey, Lindsay Lohan got her driving privileges back! Babies of Palm Desert: Consider yourselves warned. [TMZ]
  • Milli Vanilli's sole surviving star, Fab Morvan is trying to make a comeback (timed to a forthcoming Milli Vanilli movie) and his first task is to prove he can actually sing that one Grammy-winning song he lip synched. But, yikes, he still sucks. Watch the video here. [People]
  • Katy Perry is changing her name to Katy Brand. She's been using her upscale Criss Angel of a husband's last name informally since the wedding, and is filing to make it legal now. [People]
  • Kim Kardashian is no longer delighting in Halle Berry's sloppy seconds. She and professional arm candy Gabriel Aubry have split, and she's "not feel[ing] guilty." [People]
  • "Did Jon Hamm Finally Propose to His Girlfriend of 13 Years?" No. [Us]
  • Speaking of "finally" marriages: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are marrying this weekend, and the event will feature "a vintage and romantic vibe." Damn, I would have pegged her for a futuristic hatemongering vibe. [Radar]
  • Chelsea Handler defends calling Angelina Jolie a "fucking cunt": "I've been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother." Needs more expletives. [People]
  • Here is a quote from a story entitled "Kirsten Dunst Opens Up About Awful Rehab Experience": "On a personal level, I would talk to anybody about [rehab], but not on a public level. If I do that, then the next person feels like they can ask me about it, and the person after that, until everyone then feels entitled to ask me about it, and that's not coming from a good place." So, the polar opposite of "opening up" about rehab, plus a "fuck you, stop asking me that." Good job, team! [Us]