Koch Industries is—and we say this strictly in the spirit of presenting their prevalent public image in an unfiltered manner—an evil mysterious Death Star-like conglomerate controlled by two unimaginably wealthy unaccountable right-wing billionaire brothers, who are evil. The Koch brothers have made news recently for hosting a secret conservative conclave to plot who-knows-what, and for harassing journalists. They're also suing a group of pranksters who issued a fake Koch press release. Today, the NYT gave the company a chance to defend itself in the court of public opinion. Anddddd....

Koch did not respond to questions seeking elaboration on its posted statement.

Crazily, billions of dollars cannot buy the Koch Brothers a decent PR advisor. Allow us, Koch:

1. There's no need to vengefully pursue journalists over what they write about you. You're already rich.
2. Come out of your lair and smile for the cameras once in a while. After all, you're rich.
3. Hire someone likable and friendly to be your spokesbot. The distant, evil look isn't a good one for you. People already assume you're awful, since you're so damn rich.
4. Stop being so fucking Republican. You can afford to pay higher taxes, you bastards. You're rich.

Or don't, whatever.

[Koch headquarters photo via]