J.Lo's beauty regimen solves unemployment. Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper break up. Elin Nordegren moves back to America. Tom Cruise gives Katie Holmes a sewing machine, so she can make aprons. Saturday gossip is high maintenance.

  • To film two days of American Idol auditions, the honorable judge Jennifer Lopez needed "12 racks for her wardrobe changes, 20 mirrors, and a ton of spotlights for her makeup team. There were around 50 people in her villa dealing with makeup, hair, and wardrobe—but the funny part is, she wore only two outfits during the entire two days of filming." What the National Enquirer doesn't know is that J.Lo was actually constructing a fashion-themed carnival funhouse, with wacky mirrors and a wardrobe-rack maze. In other news, Jenny from the Block called the hotel desk 20 times in one hour with the same demand, which breaks down to one call every three minutes. [Enquirer via Celebitchy, image via Getty]
  • Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper's two-year relationship has ended, which is too bad since they moved in together last fall. People calls Coopweger "one of Hollywood's most glamorous couples," but glamour requires a certain level of hedonism, and sour-faced Renee has always struck me as too anal retentive to take pleasure in her riches. And Bradley Cooper is just boring. [People]
  • Britney Spears' back-up dancers' non-disclosure agreements include a clause acknowledging how "essential" it is that Britney "not be exposed to any alcohol, drugs, or controlled substances." If they violate this, they will be forced to back-up dance for tween terror Demi Lovato, whose NDA's stipulate, "Must enjoy getting punched in the face." [TMZ]
  • Tom Cruise gave Scientology super wife Katie Holmes a sewing machine for her birthday. Apparently she sews "aprons for the girls, pillows, tablecloths, Barbie clothes." The first three are essentially 2-dimensional items, which is the hallmark of a beginning sewer. I sympathize with this, because at the age of 13, I went through a phase where I sewed dozens of Beanie Baby sleeping bags, tearing apart every spare scrap of cloth in our home and refashioning them into the most useless object available, because it was the only design simple enough for me to execute. To this day, I find Beanie Baby sleeping bags wedged between the cushions of the sofa and rattling around empty closets in my parents' home. [WWD, NYMag]
  • Breaking: Ryan Phillippe's 7-months-pregnant ex-girlfriend Alexis Knapp just hired Kevin Federline's old custody lawyer. Part of me hope this child is not Ryan's, just to see how all the tabloids react to having spent so much manpower on the story. [TMZ]
  • Maya Rudolph is pregnant with her third child. Mazel tov! [People]
  • Among the names getting bandied about to co-host X Factor: Taylor Momsen and Nicki Minaj. I hope they both do it, and get into epic weave-tearing battles. I bet Taylor looks bored even when she's trying to cut a bitch. [Celebuzz, P6]
  • Elin Nordegren bought a $12 million mansion in North Palm Beach so her kids can be closer to their father, whose $50 million bachelor pad is 10 miles away. So close, he could hit it with a golf ball! Okay, not really, but I'm all out of Tiger Woods jokes. There are only so many puns you can make on the phrase "gentle path." [Us]
  • Kacey Jordan, the porn star who smoked crack with Charlie Sheen and tweeted a suicide attempt last week, says her pill overdose and wrist bloodletting were neither a serious attempt at death nor a cry for help. During her 48—hour psychiatric hospitalization, "I was the only sane person in there," she says. (I suspect this is a common sentiment.) This whole ordeal is unspeakably bleak. Kacey hopes to land a job as a radio host next. [E!]
  • Robert De Niro's son Raphael recently had a son. No word who the godfather will be. Hopefully a goodfella. [Us]
  • After coming off as a racist, homophobic monster on CW reality show High Society, socialite Jules Kirby fled New York and went into hiding in Jackson Hole. St. Patrick's Day, Part II: The Miraculous Eviction of Annoying Heiresses from the Island of Manhattan. [P6]