Natalie Portman had a son last night, officially making her the world's hottest mother. Also today: A scary plot to murder the singer Joss Stone, Nicolas Cage owes us a house, and lots of royal couple news.

  • The envy of men everywhere, a small male has just spent some time in Natalie Portman's vagina. He was on his way out, though. Yes, Portman has given birth to a baby boy, presumably in New York, presumably with her fiance, a millipede, by her side. A name hasn't been confirmed, but some rumors suggest that as Natalie lay in her hospital bed, near fainting, she whispered "Luke..." as the boy was taken away by the nurses. [Us]
  • Two men have been arrested in England for plotting to murder someone, and it appears that that someone is singer Joss Stone. The men were found with maps and aerial photos of Stone's home, as well as rope, swords, and a body bag. Any possible motivation is unclear right now, as it's not even been confirmed that Stone was the intended target. Whatever the case, we're glad that Stone (or whomever was going to be murdered) is safe, that the two fiends are in custody, and that British people still use swords to kill each other. I mean, that doesn't make me happy exactly, but, c'mon. Swords! What, did Joss Stone find out that Cersei is sleeping with her twin brother or something? [TMZ]
  • Pip pip hooray! Paving the way for yet another sexy royal Middleton marriage, Pippa Middleton, the sister of party supply heiress turned Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, has split up with her beau Alex Loudon. Apparently Loudon was thrown for a loop after Pippa became instantly famous at the royal wedding. Oh Pipppppa. You know who's used to his own fame and could totally deal with yours? You know who has a darling thicket of ginger hair and a mean polo bod? You know who. And all you have to do to snare him is go get your sword (you have one right? I mean, you are British) and chase that Chelsy Davy out of town. Don't hurt her or anything, just run at her, huge broadsword brandished, screaming like a Berserker, and she'll be out of your hair for good. And then we can all coo and clap when you marry Harry and yet another day of vicarious living will be realized. [Us]
  • Can you handle more royals news? Of course you can. The itinerary for William and Kate's impending visit to Los Angeles has been released, and it's very exciting! First they'll have a meeting with British entrepreneurs in Beverly Hills, then they'll head to Mann's Chinese Theater for the first of many public sex shows (it's important that the people actually see the couple trying to produce an heir), then it's off to Canoga Park to do heroin with some strung-out veterans, after which they'll wander Robertson Boulevard, looking to start a fight with the paparazzi. Sounds like a great LA trip! Oh and of course they'll spend some time exploring the San Fernando Valley's billion-dollar pornography industry, filming a cameo in the royal wedding spoof The Duke of Cumbridge. [Us]
  • Apparently Playboy milliongenarian Hugh Hefner was dumped by his latest animate pool toy, 25-year-old Crystal Harris, because he wouldn't give her the big allowance she wanted, and because she wants to branch out and start a music career. Because sure. So many Playboy bunnies have gone on to flourishing music careers. That's just a thing that happens all the time in this world. When asked to comment about the split, Hefner replied "I'd like to find my slippers and eat some oatmeal. I aim to do whatever President Eisenhower says and that's just the tough turkey." [TMZ]
  • It seems that singer/songwriter/lovemaker John Mayer sneaked into the Webby Awards on Monday night, totally unseen by the cabal of nerds gathered to congratulate each other. So, OK. Sigh. Don't you think a Page Six item about John Mayer with the headline "Back-door man" could be so much more interesting? I mean, doesn't it feel like we haven't heard anything about John Mayer's sex life in so long? We didn't think we'd miss it, but then, whaddaya know, we totally do. We're sorry, John. Tell us more about sexual napalm? We promise we'll listen. [P6]
  • Uh oh. Like a West Coast Alex McCord, plastic lawn deer and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills cast member Taylor Armstrong has decided to stop being the meek wallflower in the background and self-actualize. And this is causing lots of fights and tension on the "set" of the show. So there's that. Something to look forward to. Though really if you are looking forward to this you should probably go take a walk in the woods and really think about things for a while. There's nothing wrong with you, it's just that you need to think some things through. That's all. [Radar]
  • Nicolas Cage is apparently in court with the mother of his son, because she is suing him for $13 million. Why is she suing? Well she's suing because he promised to give her a house but then he didn't give her a house so now she's suing for emotional distress. Aha. Let's all just... I wish I could sue people every time I didn't get a house. I could sue so many people because I didn't get a house. I haven't gotten a house so many times! Why just five minutes ago I didn't get a house. $13 million, please. Make it out to "cash," thanks. Oop! Just didn't get a house again. You can make the one check out for $26 million if that's easier. Great, thanks. Uh, make that $39 million. [TMZ]
  • Today in dinner news: human moonbeam Blake Lively was spotted at Tribeca's Locanda Verde last night with Ryan Reynolds and her current boyfriend Leonardo DiCaprio. A fellow patron said of Lively "She eats like a bird. Just pecking at her food, which was mostly worms. Plus she regurgitated a lot of the food into the mouth of Penn Badgley, who was under the table in a nest made of twigs and random bits of plastic." A little further north, up in Boston's Back Bay, Mila Kunis was seen glugging down a dirty martini at Red Lantern, a new Asian place that looks sorta tacky. Of Kunis's visit, a local patron was quoted as saying "Natalie Pawtmin looks fuckin' hawrible." [P6, People]

[Photo via Getty]