A Swedish artist and former erotic TV hostess named Ylva-Maria Thompson is opening the Austrian International School of Sex, where people can finally learn how to do it the right way. "Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features- these are the AISOS disciplines," says the school's dysfunctional website. "And we teach you hands on."

For only $1,860 U.S.—less than a night with an elite escort in New York City*—you can study both the theory and practice of sex in five basic courses. Ambitious students can also take intensive courses and seminars (semen-ars) to round out their basic knowledge. At the end of each class, students have to take an exam—and if they don't pass, then they must bear the shame of having flunked out of sex college, which sounds even more embarrassing than having to say you flunked out of beginners Spanish or vo-tech school.

As you might expect, a sex college such as this raises a few red flags:

  • It's located in Austria: land of incest-dungeon culture, sex armies, torture museums, and faceless boob towers. Will "Sex Torture Den Construction 101 and 102" and "How to Convince Your Lover to Enjoy Electrical Shocks" be electives at this school? We can only wonder.
  • Enrollment is open to 16- and 17-year-olds—i.e., people who are considered to be underage in the U.S. and other nations.
  • The school appears to have no accreditation.
  • If students study abroad there, they'll have to inform their academic advisers of their plans, and that's bound to be awkward.
  • Though Thompson is reputed to be a "very experienced teacher," details of her background as a teacher are lacking.
  • No mention of an STD clinic on campus.
  • Are all the classes in German? What if you don't speak German?
  • What if everybody who goes to this school is an ugly creep? Are you then required to have sex with all the ugly creeps in furtherance of your education?
  • How does one begin to grade sexual performance?
  • Even I can design a better website than that.

* I read an Eliot Spitzer biography and have no first-hand knowledge of this.

[The Local. Image via Shutterstock]