Answers to All of Life's Little Mysteries

"What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?" Yahoo News asked today. Intrigued by this mysterious world without cats (What would we put bread on?) I clicked the link and found myself at Life's Little Mysteries, a LiveScience sister site dedicated to answering search-engine optimized questions of childlike wonderment like "Why are there holes in 'Swiss' cheese?" and "Who Will Succeed Kim Jong-Il?" (Trick question. Can't be answered.)

To assist this incurably inquisitive website, I have compiled a list of its littlest and most mysterious questions, and answered them.

Q: What If All the Cats in the World Suddenly Died?
A: "Let's not forget the emotional toll that a mass cat death would take on us humans," writes Natalie Wolchover.
Q: Could the Internet Ever Be Destroyed?
A: Only if you keep killing all those cats, Natalie.
Q: What If You Ate Only One Type of Food?
A: That depends. Is it cat food?
Q: Will Eating Pet Food Kill Me?
A: "There's no official record."
Q: What Happens If You Eat Dog Food?
A: "Probably nothing," unless the food is made of cats.
Q: What If There Were No Gravity?
A: All the cats would float.
Q: Why Do Cats Bury Their Poop?
A: That's not poop. Those are corpses.
Q: Can Blind People See Anything?
A: Just the ghosts of cat genocides past, haunting them.
Q: Why Is Dryer Lint Gray?
A: Wait, you're telling me Natalie Wolchover put a cat in the dryer?
Q: If You Spot Bigfoot, Should You Shoot Him?
A: What are you, some kind of animal-killing maniac?
Q: Why Do I Think My Phone Is Vibrating When It's Not?
A: It's your conscience calling, from Cat Hell.
Q: Why Do Dogs Drool?
A: "Biomechanics."
Q: How Safe Are Your Shredded Documents?
A: As safe as a shredded cat.
Q: Koalas to Humans: 'We Are Not Bears'
A: Koalas to Cats: 'I Will Kill You.' Cats to Koalas: 'Bring It. I Know Tae Kwon Do.'
Q: What If Humans Were Twice as Intelligent?
A: We would have foreseen the terrible consequences of the Great Cat Holocaust, and would not have killed all those cats.

[Image via Utekhina Anna/Shutterstock]

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