How to Walk
Wacky hippies in the wacky hippie enclave of Denver are encouraging their fellow moonbeam-gazing residents of Marijuanaville to do something a little strange: walk places. On their feet. What's more: even you, The Average American, can get involved in this quirky newfangled hobby. But how?
- Move to a city. A real city, like New York or... I don't know... Chicago, if necessary. Not a fake city like Jacksonville. An urban city.
- As an alternative, lobby your legislators to enact strict zoning and land use regulations that end urban sprawl and force the type of pedestrian-friendly contiguous planned development that is the only sane building pattern given the environmental, economic, and social problems we face. Then wait many years.
- Look around. You live in an environment in which something is walking distance from your house. Hey—you're ready to walk!
- Woops, don't walk in the street. You're not in your car any more. You're not in your car any more. You're not in your car any more. Get out of the street.
- Pushing straight down on an imaginary gas pedal won't get you far in this new world. After "hitting that gas," roll your weight forwards onto your toe, throw the opposite leg out in front of you, and then repeat. What's that feeling? You're moving—no wheels necessary!
- Look at the sky. Look at the birds. Look at the sun. Look at that pole. Don't walk into the pole.
- On your stroll, you may encounter other "walkers," some of them even coming at you in the opposite direction. Do not make eye contact. Continue moving ahead as if this was the most normal thing in the world. If a walker insists on making eye contact with you, call police.
- What's that damp sensation? It may be "sweat," an automatic reaction your body has to strenuous physical activity such as walking, or competing in an "All You Can Eat" pancake challenge. Do not be alarmed. Feel that nice cool sweat. Mmm. Sexy.
- After a while, you'll notice that you are not in the same location where you began your walk. You have, as they say, "walked" to a different place. Where are you? Damned if I know.
- Collapse on a nearby bench, retaining wall, or just on the ground. (Not in the street.) What a walk! You must be tired. Yes, you are. You're really red. Wheezing quite a bit. Here, drink this Mountain Dew "Big Gulp."
- Call a cab.
