[There was a video here]

Yes the major event of the most important sociological experiment of our time had to do with cake. Who ate the cake? Remember when our subjects used to crawl in the hot tub and vomit on themselves?

I can hardly even remember the hot tub. Is it there? Is it working? Is there a reason that it is no longer the central ploy in the guido playbook for getting girls all warmed up with their sexual juices and then landing them into bed? Have the guido's evolved past the stage where they have crawled out of their primordial ooze, their external amniotic fluid, and have crawled onto the great beach of humanity to walk on their own two legs? Is that it? Or did someone just drop a deuce in it and never clean it up? Seems more likely.

  • My Ass Is Bleeding: What a guido says after he or she has been dressed down by their mate for some sort of perceived wrongdoing. I initially thought this had something to do with expressions like "chewed me a new asshole" or "reamed my ass," but it does not. The guido, when he or she has wronged his or her lover, must find a way to make up for that slight. The answer is always anal sex. So, if he or she says their "ass is bleeding" that means they were on the receiving end of making their mate feel better by opening up the back door. (This is not to be confused with "rectal bleeding" which is a symptom JWOWW thinks Snooki has from her UTI.)
  • Gumby Ankles: Reminiscent of "twinkle toes," this is a biological condition that makes it easier for the guido male to dance. Since most of his musculature is worked out endlessly at the gym, except his ankles, this is the only part of his body where he is flexible. That means, when he dances, it is mostly by rotating the joints between his tibia, fibula, and tarsels.

Now, onto the cake. So, Snooki and Deena, in all their infinite wisdom, blew off work and now are in hot water with Bossman Danny. They know he won't fire them (who could fire these two?) but they have to make it up to him. What to do? Well, remember when Snooki and JWOWW needed to tell Sammi that Ronnie was cheating on her so they stole a plot from Charles in Charge and wrote an anonymous note? Well, last night they decided to steal a plot from The Andy Griffith Show and bake Bossman Danny a cake. How did they ever see the tales of Mayberry? We have no idea, but we think this is what their guido elders showed them to try to socialize them to the American way.

Deena and Nicole bake a cake and make it all pretty and leave it over night to take to work. Everyone is in bed but The Situation who was off god knows where with the only human beings on earth that can tolerate spending more than five minutes alone with the man. He was the last one up. When Deena wakes up in the morning, there is a big chunk of cake missing. Who ate the cake?! Ok, this is officially The Andy Griffith Show.

Of course everyone thinks The Situation ate the cake, but he's all bent out of shape about it. (His nose is always bent out of shape, but that's an entirely different story.) He's all, "Everyone thinks I'm a jerk and they think I did it even if I say I didn't." Of course they think he did it, because he does every mean, shady, and awful thing in the house. And he was the only one up. And eating someone else's cake to fuck with their good time is totally something Sitch would do, right? You can't be an asshole to people all the time and then get upset when they think that you're an asshole. It's like a fart getting upset because people think it stinks.

It turns out that The Situation didn't eat it, DJ Paulie Delicious did, and he later cops to it. Deena apologizes to The Situation and how does he behave? Like an asshole. Way to convince people that you didn't eat the cake, jerk.

The one good part of this saga is, when everyone was eating the cake at the Shore Store, Bossman Danny told Deena that it smelled funny and when she brought her nose close to the cake to check its stench, he smooshed it in her face. What a good prank. That shows us, once again, that guidos can only be forgiven once retribution is taken.

Continue »

[There was a video here]

I continue to be fascinated with the way that Vinny and DJ Paulie Devoted keep classifying their relationship in terms of a romance. They behave like an old married couple, teasing and taunting each other as well as displaying their affection. They even joke about having sex with one another. It's just so damn sweet. In my mind, I like to pretend like this is real. That they are an actual couple that is young and in love and making a life for themselves in the crazy world of Seaside Heights.

But as we have continuously explored, they don't have an actual sexual relationship, but a platonic one. However, as guidos, they don't know how to express their affection other than sexually, so the terms and methods they use are similar to the courtship rituals that guidos use on guidettes in the wild. While they might actually end up happy with their own respective women somewhere in the future, I like to imagine that, in their old age, when their wives are gone, Vinny and DJ Paulie Decrepit move in together and share their golden years with their one true loves: each other.

Continue »

[There was a video here]

Speaking of couples in love, what the fuck is going on with Sammi and Ronnie? Of the 17 million times I have asked that question, 16,999,999 times it had to do with them fighting and making up, fighting and making up, throwing each others shit out of a window and then fucking under the covers, saying they're "done" and then grinding at the club, breaking Sam's glasses and leaving the Jersey house altogether. This time it is not.

Look at Sammi and Ronnie. They're laughing together. They are hanging out together, drunk at a club, and not only are they getting along, they're actually having fun. Ronnie is dancing and showing off his Gumby ankles and Sammi is just laughing at how drunk he is. He isn't worried about what guy she is talking to and she's not worried about how much attention he's paying her. They're just having fun. What the fuck is going on?

I think it has something to do with Sammi seeing how crazy Snooki and Jionni were in Italy. She said it while the two were fighting, that she finally saw how she and Ron behaved and she didn't like it. She needed that mirror held up to her to show her what a raging asshole she'd been. And, like St. Camille Grammar, the patron saint of second chances on a reality show, Sammi did the hardest thing for a demi-celebrity to do: she changed. Wow, Sam and Ron behaving like actual rational adults that you would want to spend time with. We never thought we'd see the day, but it appears that their sad love ballad is over and has been replaced with a celebratory ode.

Continue »

[There was a video here]

There is a lot of problematic things going on in this clip where Snooki goes into her and Deena's room to watch Deena have sex with Joey, the only kangaroo that lives in the wilds of New Jersey. Snooki, and most other guidettes, are only entertained by two things: getting drunk and having sex. She is already drunk, of course. Since Snooki is in a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend so she can't have sex. How is she going to entertain herself? By watching other people have sex. Yes.

She sneaks in while Joey is jumping all over Deena and trying to stuff himself into her marsupial pouch and she just stares at them. It would be creepy if it wasn't so sad. She needs the touch of another so badly that she is trying to live vicariously through her roommate. Doesn't she know that a phantom touch is as good as no touch at all? Just call Jionni. Have him talk you through the horniness and boredom. That is the only solution.

As for Deena, this continues to be strange because we all know she's a lesbian even though she says she's straight or maybe bisexual, but don't call her that, because she doesn't like it. Maybe that's why she enjoyed sex so much, because Snooki was watching.

Wait, maybe that is why Snooki was watching. Maybe she was checking to make sure that Deena was actually going to put a penis in her vagina and display, through the act of heterosexual intercourse, that she is not actually in love with Snooki. Maybe Snooki is actually in love with Deena and was wishing she'd throw Joey back to the Outback and pounce on her and they could make koala love together like two happy Sheilas. Maybe Deena only did it knowing that Snooki would try to watch and she had to prove to Snooki she was straight so she could prove to herself that she was straight so that no one would think that she's a lesbian. Maybe she is straight and just slutty. Oh, this who thing is too overdetermined.

Continue »

[There was a video here]

A crazy thing happened at the end of this dispatch. Things at Karma were even crazier than usual. I suspect it had something to do with JWOWW's dress, which is like a combination of a cocktail waitress' uniform at an S&M themed bar and the Princess Leia slave outfit. Her boyfriend, Roger, the Mayor of Seaside Heights, loves it. I think Roger is into some seriously kinky master slave role play bullshit. Remember the last sexy outfit she wore for him that was all boots and whips and chains and chaps? And now this one? Earlier he did that thing on the phone where he was a jerk to her but he got her to admit that she was in the wrong and apologize and he totally asserted total dominance over her? Roger is playing some crazy games and we can't even begin to guess where they're going.

Even though he likes the dress, he doesn't want her to wear it out in public because he knows it will be a public nuisance. Just the amount of pheromones that the dress forces her and others to secrete makes everyone behave like wild animals, grappling and pawing at each other, trying to simultaneously fight and screw, which is always the guido way.

Of course the pheromones attract an unwanted visitor who starts pawing on JWOWW, but this isn't entirely about the dress. It's also about the fact that JWOWW is famous. While the show keeps glossing over this fact, that a famous person is in a club with a camera crew and the general public, of course drunk assholes are going to try to approach her and cause trouble. Luckily JWOWW has Roger, the Mayor of Seaside Heights to protect her. He decks the guy and...cut. Guess we have to wait for next week.