We learned yesterday that Duncan Brannan, the longtime voice of Chuck E. Cheese, the anthropomorphic character designed to indoctrinate children into belief in fiat money, has been fired from his position. Who will replace him? "The lead singer for the pop-punk bank Bowling for Soup." And Chuck himself?

According to the AP:

CEC Entertainment Inc. says it plans to launch a national ad campaign Thursday with a revamped image of Chuck E. Cheese as a hip, electric-guitar-playing rock star. [...] The new Chuck E. Cheese that launches this week will be voiced by Jaret Reddick, the lead singer for the pop-punk bank Bowling for Soup. The Chuck E. Cheese Facebook page now shows a silhouette of a cartoon mouse playing a guitar.

Okay, CEC Entertainment, here's some free Branding Advice for Marketing to Tweens: Literally no tweens care about electric guitars, or rock stars. They don't even know what those things are. You might as well revamp Chuck E. Cheese as a rappin' surfer from gangsta city. Have you ever seen a tween? I see them every day, in their natural habitat, the subway, preying on olds and krumping. Tweens are terrifying. You need to speak their language.

Here is how to revamp Chuck E. Cheese:

  • as a hip, dubstep-playing Instagrammer
  • as a hip, Korean webmaster of a porn Tumblr.
  • as a hip, bath-salts addicted member of One Direction
  • as a hip, Screamo pokemon
  • as a hip sext
  • as Skrillex