I can’t seem to find it.

In corporate America, the most persistent refuge of outright charlatanism is “branding.” The only thing more offensive to honesty than a “rebranding” campaign is a breathless feature story about a rebranding campaign.

People in the USA are fed up with these Washington politicians who don’t care about folks like us. We want to be led by those we really believe in: brands.

Imperial Tobacco Group, the maker of Kools, Winstons, Cohibas, and Gauloises, is changing its name to Imperial Brands, in order to remind the world what the company is really about: brands.

“‘We know his goal is to make America great again,’ a woman said. ‘It’s on his hat.’”

“Three Hidden Reasons Why Brands Struggle with Authenticity.” All three reasons are “Brands are illusory constructs built upon a foundation of cynicism for whom the concept of ‘authenticity’ is wholly nonsensical,” but it doesn’t say that in Ad Age for some reason.

Why are hedge funds rushing to rebrand themselves as anything besides "hedge funds?" As one hedge fund manager explains, "Labels can create a lot of emotions."

What happens when you combine the editorial sensibility of Upworthy with the world's most powerful corporations and filter it all through Vice's ad agency? Collectively.org, a new site that will save the earth. Cynical? Stop being part of the problem.

Last week, P&G, the world's largest consumer goods company, announced that it will be jettisoning as many as 100 of its well-known brands of household crap. Now, the corporate equivalent of "Guessing Lindsay Lohan's Fuck List" is guessing which brands will go. Let's play!

The New Yorker website, not to be confused with the New Yorker print magazine, is thinking about status today. In an item on its "Currency" vertical, the online New Yorker introduces us to researchers who have gained fascinating insights into how people police the abstract status identities they've constructed around their preferred "brands"—or else (maybe?) how people who have attained the factual condition of attending Harvard or of running long-distance obstacle courses disdain people who claim to have done those things without having done those things:

In Pizza Hut's quest to reinvent itself as a restaurant serving food fit for human consumption, no tactic is too radical. Pizzas made by actual humans? You bet. And now the dynamic company is making the boldest innovation of all.

Despite decades of devotion to low-quality garbage food, today's Americans think they're "too good" for a "fast food" restaurant. You wouldn't be caught dead in a "Taco Bell?" How about this rebranded fancy Taco Bell, though?

The big hedge fund SAC Capital has given itself a new name, which is something for it to talk about other than its massive insider trading scandal.

Do you, like, care about the environment? Yeah, cool, me too. And you eat organic, yeah? Right, right. But sometimes you just want a burrito, man, like, a big fat flour roll of stuff, and Chipotle's the place, yeah? Oh hey, did you see the news yesterday? Global warming may ruin their guacamole!

"There are only so many malls and airports."- the president of Cinnabon's unsatisfactory explanation for the existence of Cinnabon Vodka, Cinnabon lip balm, and Cinnabon air freshener.

In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!

The American League of Lobbyists is changing its name. Seems that the word "lobbyist" has some negative connotations, in the minds of ignorant flyover state troglodytes and opportunistic media vultures. What shall we call lobbyists, in the future?

Gone are the days when a "brand" was just some bullshit made up by bullshit consultants who charged a ridiculous amount of money for bullshit. From now on, brands are people—just like you.

The arrest of an Arizona man early this month on suspicion of branding his name into the private parts of at least one former girlfriend has resulted in the same man's arrest earlier this week on bestiality charges.

Police in Arizona have arrested a man who allegedly branded his initials on his girlfriend's "vaginal area," and then informed her that he did so because "her vagina was his."