Fellas. Fellas? Fellas. I know how it is out there on the "battlefield of love" in this modern world, so to speak: the rules have changed. It's hard to keep up with what's "politically correct" these days in the wild and wooly dating arena. Can you compliment a coworker? On her outfit? Or her eyes? Or her ass? Can you touch her ass while doing so? How about her tits? Is she allowed to drive? To vote? What are the "rules?" You'd need a spreadsheet to keep it all straight. Fear not, homeboys (slang for "friends"): here are the new rules of flirting.

You don't wanna get the following rules confused with the WSJ column today of the same name: The New Rules of Flirting. That is something completely different. That was written by a chick, for one, and it's all, "Dr. Frisby, of the University of Kentucky, has looked at flirting differences between the sexes and found when women flirt in a sexually suggestive way, men find them more attractive. But men who flirt this way are seen as pushy and less attractive."

This is precisely the type of, pardon our French, balderdash that keeps men down in today's "anything goes" "down with America" culture. Soooo, "Dr. Frisby" (try a little harder on the fake names, lol) says that it's cool for women to flirt sexily, but not for men? Okay then, Doctor Frisbee. Enjoy your life of never getting laid. I'd rather listen to Dr. Mystery (famous pickup artist whose name rhymes somewhat with "Frisby"). Because brother: the point of flirting is to get laid. Ask any guy. It is.

Of course, you have to play it cool, brother. You can't just waltz on up to any old woman and say "Let's fuck," because old women actually do love the waltz, and remember it from their childhoods, and next thing you know you're waltzing, when you'd rather be fucking. So how can you flirt successfully while still navigating the treacherous waters of office politics, heteronormative patriarchal power structures, and "the law?"

  • Here's something called Dating Jujitsu: use the woman's strengths against her. If she says, "I have a boyfriend," tell her that you are her boyfriend. If she says "I'm married" and flashes a wedding ring, take the ring off her finger and put it on your own finger. Now who's married? If she says "Stop being a creep," sing all of the verses of the song Creep by TLC. If she says "I'm calling the police," tell her that you are the police—and that she's under arrest, for Being Too Sexy. (Make something up regarding the specific statute.)
  • Keep it simple. Great opening lines include, "Hey, what's your name?" Or.... well, let's see. Hm. I guess if you knew her name already, you'd want to go with something else, likkkkkke... hmmm, toughie. I'd say, maybe, you just go up to her andddddd... okay, you say "Hello, [Name]." How does it feel to have her in the palm of your hand? Good I bet.
  • What do you have in common with this woman? You'll never know unless you ask. Does she like sex? Hey bitch, just asking! What kind of sex, specifically? And more specifically?
  • Tailor your flirting intensity to the intensity of your female paramour (girl). Is she a shy type whose modest exterior might be concealing a tiger in the bedroom? Ask her if this is the case. Is she a wild "party girl" who seems like the type who might get so drunk some time that she might forget how much she dislikes you? Address this question to her directly. Is she an artsy hippie chick who just might be carrying the torch of "free love" like they used to do at orgies in the 1960s? You won't know unless you ask. Ask, ask, ask, again and again, about her sexual proclivities and the likelihood of her indulging them with you. Remember to smile.
  • Role play various flirting scenarios in your head before you try them out in real life, in order to be prepared. For example, imagine you go up to some girl and say "Wanna fuck?" and she says "no." What do you do now? If you find out, tell us.

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