Actress Emma Stone and Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane — this year's host — got up nice and early to tell some really atrocious jokes and announce this year's Oscar nominations. If you were smart enough to avoid this stupid ceremony, here's what's totally surprising: neither Zero Dark Thirty's Kathryn Bigelow nor Argo's Ben Affleck received Best Director nominations, even though both directors were considered locks and both movies are nominated for Best Picture.

And here's what's unsurprising: Lincoln locked up 12 nominations, and MacFarlane was fumbling and unfunny and only took 12 minutes to make a Hitler joke. (Bring back blackface Billy Crystal and/or stoned James Franco!) Here's the full nominee list. Come make predictions and complain with us!

Best motion picture of the year
 Amour
 Argo
 Beasts of the Southern Wild
 Django Unchained
 Les Misérables
 Life of Pi
 Lincoln
 Silver Linings Playbook
 Zero Dark Thirty

Performance by an actor in a leading role
 Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook
 Daniel Day-Lewis in Lincoln
 Hugh Jackman in Les Misérables
 Joaquin Phoenix in The Master
 Denzel Washington in Flight

Performance by an actress in a leading role
 Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty
 Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook
 Emmanuelle Riva in Amour
 Quvenzhané Wallis in Beasts of the Southern Wild
 Naomi Watts in The Impossible

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
 Alan Arkin in Argo
 Robert De Niro in Silver Linings Playbook
 Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master
 Tommy Lee Jones in Lincoln
 Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
 Amy Adams in The Master
 Sally Field in Lincoln
 Anne Hathaway in Les Misérables
 Helen Hunt in The Sessions
 Jacki Weaver in Silver Linings Playbook

Achievement in directing
 Amour Michael Haneke
Beasts of the Southern Wild Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Ang Lee
Lincoln Steven Spielberg
Silver Linings Playbook David O. Russell

Best animated feature film of the year
 Brave
 Frankenweenie
 ParaNorman
 The Pirates! Band of Misfits
 Wreck-It Ralph

Achievement in cinematography
 Anna Karenina Seamus McGarvey
Django Unchained Robert Richardson
Life of Pi Claudio Miranda
Lincoln Janusz Kaminski
Skyfall Roger Deakins

Achievement in costume design
 Anna Karenina Jacqueline Durran
Les Misérables Paco Delgado
Lincoln Joanna Johnston
Mirror Mirror Eiko Ishioka
Snow White and the Huntsman Colleen Atwood

Best documentary feature
 5 Broken Cameras
 The Gatekeepers
 How to Survive a Plague
 The Invisible War
 Searching for Sugar Man

Best documentary short subject
 Inocente
 Kings Point
 Mondays at Racine
 Open Heart
 Redemption

Achievement in film editing
 Argo William Goldenberg
Life of Pi Tim Squyres
Lincoln Michael Kahn
Silver Linings Playbook Jay Cassidy and Crispin Struthers
Zero Dark Thirty Dylan Tichenor and William Goldenberg

Best foreign language film of the year
 Amour (Austria)
Kon-Tiki (Norway)
No (Chile)
A Royal Affair (Denmark)
War Witch (Canada)

Achievement in makeup and hairstyling
 Hitchcock Howard Berger, Peter Montagna and Martin Samuel
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Peter Swords King, Rick Findlater and Tami Lane
Les Misérables Lisa Westcott and Julie Dartnell

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)
 Anna Karenina Dario Marianelli
Argo Alexandre Desplat
Life of Pi Mychael Danna
Lincoln John Williams
Skyfall Thomas Newman

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)
 Before My Time from Chasing Ice
 Music and Lyric by J. Ralph
Everybody Needs A Best Friend from Ted
 Music by Walter Murphy; Lyric by Seth MacFarlane
Pi's Lullaby from Life of Pi
 Music by Mychael Danna; Lyric by Bombay Jayashri
Skyfall from Skyfall
 Music and Lyric by Adele Adkins and Paul Epworth
Suddenly from Les Misérables
 Music by Claude-Michel Schönberg; Lyric by Herbert Kretzmer and Alain Boublil

Achievement in production design
 Anna Karenina
 Production Design: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
 Production Design: Dan Hennah; Set Decoration: Ra Vincent and Simon Bright
Les Misérables
 Production Design: Eve Stewart; Set Decoration: Anna Lynch-Robinson
Life of Pi
 Production Design: David Gropman; Set Decoration: Anna Pinnock
Lincoln
 Production Design: Rick Carter; Set Decoration: Jim Erickson

Best animated short film
 Adam and Dog
 Fresh Guacamole
 Head over Heels
 Maggie Simpson in "The Longest Daycare"
 Paperman

Best live action short film
 Asad
 Buzkashi Boys
 Curfew
 Death of a Shadow (Dood van een Schaduw)
 Henry

Achievement in sound editing
 Argo Erik Aadahl and Ethan Van der Ryn
Django Unchained Wylie Stateman
Life of Pi Eugene Gearty and Philip Stockton
Skyfall Per Hallberg and Karen Baker Landers
Zero Dark Thirty Paul N.J. Ottosson

Achievement in sound mixing
 Argo John Reitz, Gregg Rudloff and Jose Antonio Garcia
Les Misérables Andy Nelson, Mark Paterson and Simon Hayes
Life of Pi Ron Bartlett, D.M. Hemphill and Drew Kunin
Lincoln Andy Nelson, Gary Rydstrom and Ronald Judkins
SkyfallScott Millan, Greg P. Russell and Stuart Wilson

Achievement in visual effects
 The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Joe Letteri, Eric Saindon, David Clayton and R. Christopher White
Life of Pi Bill Westenhofer, Guillaume Rocheron, Erik-Jan De Boer and Donald R. Elliott
Marvel's The Avengers Janek Sirrs, Jeff White, Guy Williams and Dan Sudick
Prometheus Richard Stammers, Trevor Wood, Charley Henley and Martin Hill
Snow White and the Huntsman Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, Philip Brennan, Neil Corbould and Michael Dawson

Adapted screenplay
 Argo Screenplay by Chris Terrio
Beasts of the Southern Wild Screenplay by Lucy Alibar & Benh Zeitlin
Life of Pi Screenplay by David Magee
Lincoln Screenplay by Tony Kushner
Silver Linings Playbook Screenplay by David O. Russell

Original screenplay
 Amour Written by Michael Haneke
Django Unchained Written by Quentin Tarantino
Flight Written by John Gatins
Moonrise Kingdom Written by Wes Anderson & Roman Coppola
Zero Dark Thirty Written by Mark Boal