Though Consumption May Decline, America Won't Give Up on You Yet, Brave Sodas
Your annual update on The Decline And Fall of the Soda Empire: American soda (meaning "Coke," for people who talk regular) consumption was down by 1.2% in 2012—AFTER BEING DOWN BY 1% THE YEAR BEFORE THAT ALSO. Sales of carbonated sugar water have been declining each year since 2005.
Is soda losing the Soda War on Humans? At times like these, one is tempted to say to oneself, "How senseless is everything that can ever be written, done, or thought, when such things are possible. It must be all lies and of no account when the culture of a thousand years could not prevent this stream of soda being poured out." And yet we would hasten to remind you, friends, of the wise man that sayeth, "A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a soda; and patriotism is loyalty to that soda."
Dwell not upon the fact that soda consumption has fallen to 1996 levels. Instead, take heart in the righteous mantra: "There is no flag large enough to cover the shame of killing innocent Diet Mtn Dew."
