A not-small group of Americans thinks Barack Obama is considering an armed invasion of the Southwestern States, making it the first time in history a leader would attempt to conquer something he already controls. They write lots and lots of angry letters.

Thanks to the curse of ubiquitous wifi, the large, innocuous training exercise known as JADE HELM ‘15 went from InfoWars meme to MSNBC fodder in no time at all. The catalyst was Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, who indulged his state’s paranoid population by ordering the Texas State Guard to “monitor” the U.S. Army. After his announcement, I submitted a Freedom of Information Act request to his office for emails pertaining to Jade Helm (I can’t keep putting that in caps), and received hundreds of pages of emails from furious constituents, xenophobes, conspiracy theorists, and manic caps-lock devotees.

Surprisingly, the bundle contained at least as many Texans who were disappointed and even disgusted by Abbott’s decision to pander to the country’s most deluded bunch. Together, they provide a rich portrait of American paranoia today.

“I do not trust our president” - Burleston, TX

“Not since Ronald Regan have the people a reason to rejoice and be proud of their leader” - Corpus Christi, TX

Flower Mound, TX

“I am VERY CONCERNED!!!!!!!!” - Houston, TX

“I DO NOT TRUST BARAK OBAMA” - Tyler, TX

“We are commanded by God to stake a stand to defend truth and innocent life” - Royse City, TX

“I am so grateful for a Christian governor” - Mansfield, TX

“And please DO NOT legalize marijuana in any form” - Houston, TX

Many military veterans wrote in to support Abbott’s call, like this one from Plano, TX:

And this one from Midlothian, VA, who offered his strategic advice:

Many others offered advice of some kind, like this Midland, TX resident:

Some even mailed Abbott’s office handwritten or typed letters, which tended to be the most fringe-aligned:

“NOW YOUR OFFICE OWES ME ONE. I NEED YOUR HELP WITH SAN JACINTO RIVER WASTE PITS”

“PLEASE PUT TROOPS NEAR BIG SPRING TEXAS I HAVE A FAMILY THAT LIVE IN BIG SPRING”

“I think you should tell Obama to get the UN out of Texas”

But Abbott’s office didn’t just hear from voters thanking him for keeping Obama’s Sharia Death Squad off their yards; plenty of Texans wrote in ridiculing the governor for turning them into a national joke:

“What a dumb son of a bitch” - Ft. Worth, TX

“I DEMAND A RESPONSE IN THE FORM OF A HAND WRITTEN APOLOGY FOR YOUR IDIOTIC PARANOID DELUSION THAT TEXAS WAS UNDER ATTACK BY OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT” - Garland, TX

“...the sing stupidest thing to come out of Texas in 20 years” - Houston, TX

“You look like a fool !!” - Houston, TX

“What are you, an idiot?” - Mansfield, TX

“It is like Donald Trump has come to Austin to run the place” - University Park, TX

“You are making us all look like a bunch of redneck dumbasses” - Unknown, TX

But the masterstroke isn’t any indignant note, but the two brave Texan who mailed Governor Abbott pieces of tin foil, triggering an internal memo:

And forcing his office to scan these pieces of foil by hand to comply with the Freedom of Information Act:

“For your hat. Thanks for making our state look like idiots!”

Photo of Gov. Abbot: AP

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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