What if I told you that you could lose 15 lbs. in five months with no calorie-counting, treadmills, or embarrassing weigh-ins? You can even eat snacks. All you have to do is work yourself into blindly racist huff one-to-three times per day, and you will see results. Just ask Donald Trump!

It’s true: Our nation’s loudest cheesy puff is now a more slender cheesy doodle, thanks to a new miracle diet of his own design. Trump revealed all to People yesterday: “I have actually lost 15 lbs. on the campaign trail.”

As if we hadn’t already noticed.

How can you achieve similar weight loss success? The Trump plan is two-fold.

Firstly, you should eat snacks. As Trump explained to People, “There’s so little time to be eating. I tend to just be able to eat snacks because it’s so busy and there are so many people and so much hoopla everywhere I go.”

Secondly, you should get yourself very upset about something and then yell about it, ideally more than once a day. Mexican immigrants? Syrian refugees? RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISM? The choice is yours.

“I have lost weight because my events are so exciting,” Trump revealed. “When I’m done I don’t want to eat. ...[W]hen you speak and you really are going at it, you tend to… I never thought about it, but speaking is almost a form of exercise. It’s very exhilarating.”

Wow. Follow those two steps, and you could go from YUGE to looking exactly like the GOP’s leading candidate for president in 2016.

This has been a weight loss plan by Donald Trump.

Image by Jim Cooke, photo via Getty. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.