A good diet is one that drains you both physically and spiritually.

What if I told you that you could lose 15 lbs. in five months with no calorie-counting, treadmills, or embarrassing weigh-ins? You can even eat snacks. All you have to do is work yourself into blindly racist huff one-to-three times per day, and you will see results. Just ask Donald Trump!

Fuck dark chocolate.

Pope Francis longs for many things in life, surely: World peace, the Parousia, the latitude to say that women can be priests...you know, stuff like that. The one thing he wants for himself? Pasta. And now Vatican doctors are telling him he can’t have it, because he’s gained a little weight since moving to Italy.

According to an OK! Magazine source, Kim Kardashian feeds her 16-month-old fashion doll a strict, sugar-free, organic diet, meaning: NO TREATS.

A teenager in Hueytown, Alabama was allegedly so angry that he didn't lose weight on the infamous Jared diet that he robbed four Subway sandwich shops in four days. The teen said that since the diet didn't work, he robbed the stores in order to get his money back.

Americans do not remember anything from chemistry or biology class, but they will damn sure buy anything that contains "protein," because I think it gives you muscles? Sadly, it appears that high protein diets may also cause you to die.

Wealthy Jesus salesman Rick Warren cares only about helping people. Fat people, for example. How? By selling them rudimentary information in exchange for ca$$$h money.

Today marks the arrival of two new prescription drugs designed to help Americans lose weight. For hundreds of dollars per month, clinically obese Americans will be able to purchase cutting-edge chemistry that is less effective than just taking long walks sometimes.

The Disney Channel just pulled an episode of their show Jessie that makes fun of a child who refuses to eat gluten. In the show, the kid turns down pancakes, and then has pancakes thrown at him while he squeals "gluten!" and scratches his face. One character says to him: "You call me sweetie again, and you'll be eating some gluten-free knuckles."

Weight Watchers International made profits of $253 million last year by charging people a monthly fee for diet advice that is available for free elsewhere, and selling packaged diet food that is inferior to other food available more cheaply elsewhere. But hey, whatever works for you, etc etc. A more basic problem: they exploit their workers.

Turns out it might not be your laziness, stubbornness, or general God-given incompetence making you stupid: it could just be all the delicious high fructose corn syrup you eat.

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: eat to win, but keep it to yourself. Dig it.

Step off that elliptical—gingerly, now, so you don't trip, oops, you tripped anyway, oh God, how embarrassing, whatever, no one saw—the Telegraph reports that a new study has found that eating seaweed toast is basically the same as exercising.

What is the frontman of '90s rap-rock sensation Limp Bizkit up to these days? Just live-blogging his 60-day juice fast while falling slowly into despair, that's all. Welcome to the dark side of those social media public dieting miracles.

The punchline you have been waiting for since Gwyneth Paltrow launched luxury lifestyle cult GOOP has arrived: Now introducing THE GOOP CLEANSE, a Paltrow-branded digestive cleansing kit.

Wisconsin Republican Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner hates how Michelle Obama is constantly forcing sickening Muslim traditions like "vegetables" and "exercise" on the youth of America—especially when she herself is so disgustingly corpulent, in the butt area. He hates it so much he can't even keep quiet about it!

Welcome to Gift Guide Week at Gawker, where we instruct on how best to fritter away your hard-won dollars on meaningless tokens of consumerism, because a bastard baby was born in a pile of hay on a clear night 2000 years ago. Let's start with the people you want to cross off your shopping list: people you hate.

Americans are reportedly 20 pounds heavier, on average, than we were in 1990. Wha? Were people really so fine, in 1990, outside of In Living Color's The Fly Girls? It's okay, though; we've made certain... psychological adjustments. We now have raised our self-reported "ideal weight" by ten pounds. No matter how big we get, our problem is just those last ten pounds! From a new Gallup poll:

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!