Kyrsten Sinema Is Right (Not About Politics) (Or How to Dress)

There are few things in this polarizing climate on which we all — Democrats, (some) Republicans, Zoomers, Boomers, anyone daring to try a bold tone, clash-print ensemble — can agree, and that thing is that Sen. Kyrsten Sinema sucks.

Sinema sucked when she filed for divorce in 1998; she sucked when she opposed dismantling the filibuster and thus derailed most of Biden’s agenda; she sucked when she held up every measly compromise the Democrats introduced over the past two years; she sucked every time she got dressed during that same period; and she sucked earlier this month, when she officially changed her party registration to “Independent.” We hope Arizona voters will remember all this and respond accordingly in 2024.

Given the basic facts of Sinema’s personality and political career, one would naturally assume that this attribute extends to all areas in her life — that the second-worst, ostensibly liberal senator is as wrong about everything as she is in Congress. A new Daily Beast piece about Sinema’s 37-page staffing guide certainly seems to raise a whole new host of possibilities for diva behavior. Unfortunately, after careful reading, we are forced to concede that the staffing document does not add to our ever-growing file titled “Sinema sucks.” If anything, it actually makes her seem like slightly less of a bisexual automaton programmed to “well, actually” any attempt at economic progress. It’s proof that Sinema can occasionally be right about some things, if only when they matter to her.

Consider, for example, her feelings on flying: She hates it. “KS does not like to fly,” one excerpt reads. “It is your job to make her as comfortable as possible on each flight.” Honestly, same. It’s noble to hate flying; climate-minded, even. Sinema apparently has “Executive Platinum status on AMERICAN AIRLINES and sometimes receives an automatic upgrade to first class,” which is less relatable, but it seems she also often flies coach. Her seating preferences don’t even seem that unreasonable — in fact, one might say that this is the only correct seat hierarchy:

First choice: KS prefers an aisle seat as close to the front of the plane as possible, except that she DOES NOT want the bulkhead row. Those seats are smaller than regular seats and are crowded. She also doesn't want the seat next to/directly in front of the bathroom on planes where there's a bathroom in the middle of the plane. Look at the seat map for every flight you book, or ask the booking agent about the flight map if you're reserving over the phone. KS generally prefers to be closer to the front in a window seat, than further back in an aisle. It saves her time getting off the plane earlier.

Next choice: if you can't get an aisle seat, get a window seat using the same guidelines as above. This shouldn't happen often, since you're booking most flights six weeks in advance.

Last resort: Do everything in your power not put her in a middle seat. If the circumstances are such that a middle seat is the ONLY option, make sure you email KS to let her know and also provide some information about other flights she might be able to take instead that have better seating options. Don't book so late that middle seats are all that's left.

Some of the rider’s other revelations: Sinema occasionally asks her assistant to get her groceries, then pays them back on Cash App. When her internet goes down, her assistant sometimes calls Verizon to schedule the repair. Apparently, being the pharmaceutical industry’s hype man gets draining, such that Sinema requires a weekly massage and perpetual hydration:

KS drinks A LOT of water. Make sure to always have a room temperature bottle of water for her, whether she is in the office, at call time, or in someone's car. When someone is picking KS up from the airport, they should ALWAYS have a bottle of water for her… It is your job to remind whoever is staffing KS to have water for her.

Worse, Sinema “is always hungry and needs to consume a lot of protein each day,” taking her meals between “12 and 12:30 p.m., 2 and 2:30 p.m., and 5 and 6:30 p.m.” Speaking of time, the memo notes that: “Kyrsten works hard, but is protective of her personal time,” usually refusing to commit to obligations outside of work hours — which in her case is the 11-hour, 15-min period between 8:45 a.m. and 8 p.m.

Someone has to say it: That is all fine. Even good, if this were anyone else. Massages are great. Calling Verizon is horrible. Food is nourishing. A 12-hour day is absolutely enough time to screw over your constituents. And water should never be too cold to chug. Someone had to take a stand against the tyranny of ice, and Sinema finally followed through on one fucking thing.