Celebration time: Day-Two-Which-Is-Actually-Day-One of the Republican Convention is now, as we speak (type), UNDERWAY in Tampa, a hot parking lot located in a swing state. We can assure you that our investigations have revealed that absolutely no one, including those in official capacities, know where the fuck they are supposed to go right now. Here are a few of the most crucial "insider" factoids that you will need to know about this vital U.S. political institution going forward:

Though storms may come and mouths may run, rest assured, America: there is enough Ranch dressing in place, in easily accessed pump dispensers, to serve all of this great nation's delegates at the 2012 Republican National Convention.

Even if he secures the Democratic nomination in Tuesday's primary, 1st District House candidate Ryan Combe knows getting voters in the dark-red state of Utah to send him to Washington will not come easy.

Last night, Obama's main opponent in the West Virginia Democratic primary was perennial presidential candidate Keith Judd, a prisoner in Texas who describes himself as a "Rastafarian-Christian." But Judd did a little bit better than expected — to the tune of 40% of the vote. Which means it's time to start answering the question on everyone's lips: should Keith Judd be Mitt Romney's running mate?

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Magrudergrund.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Cormorant.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: UZALA.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: In Defence.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Vattnet Viskar.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Sutekh Hexen.

Like Barack Obama and Mitt Romney before him, GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been photographed naked from the waist up. Blogger Joe My God has uncovered an image of Santorum sunbathing poolside in Puerto Rico.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Exhumed.

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Omen.

Daniel Salinas, a mayoral candidate in Sunland Park, N.M., beat out two others in Tuesday night's election despite the fact that he is been banned from City Hall amid a lap-dancing extortion controversy:

Virginia congressman Eric Cantor went on Meet the Press yesterday to endorse Mitt Romney, and he said "fart" instead of "fought." The representative has a point, of course. The GOP primary race has essentially been one giant, continuous, squelching fart joke. [Via]

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Agalloch.

Last night's white glower rally in Michigan was supposed to tell us something novel and important, instead of mumbling vague phrases we've heard before. This time, we thought, a GOP primary vote would be decisive, recasting the narrative for the future, solidifying positions and increasing momentum.

Stringy-haired beer koozie Kid Rock has officially thrown his support behind Mitt Romney. Like two peas in a pod, these two. And while it's no Anthrax endorsement, Michigan is up for grabs and I guess an endorsement from a Detroit-native could help.

America's screaming, LOLCat conscience has finally found a suitable outlet in Hank, a Virginia cat that is running for Senate. Hank, an independent, is running against former Virginia governors George Allen and Tim Kaine. If you're feeling inspired, you can sign up to be one of Hank's volunteer phone bankers here, and then you can seek psychological help elsewhere.

Oh, how awkward. Not only did Time put an Asian guy on the cover of their "Yo Decido" cover about Latino voters, but the Asian guy in question is actually a member of the press. OC Weekly's Michelle Woo reports,