The after effects of the Citizens United ruling shouldn't shock anyone. Corporations were granted the ability to spend ungodly sums on campaigns, and guess what they're doing?

A complete list of all the living animals the Romneys may have strapped to the exteriors of cars:

This is America's Screaming Conscience, a new regular political column written by "Mobutu Sese Seko" and with illustrations by Jim Cooke.

As the Romney clan scrambles to clean up its social media presence, Buzzfeed reporter and Mormon whisperer McKay Coppins highlights the "Mormon mommy blog" of Mary Romney, daughter-in-law of Mitt and wife of Craig. Mary made her blog private when Coppins came asking questions, which is really too bad, because now we don't the context of this 2007 Halloween photo. Apparently Craig is "dressed as his dad," but what the hell is Mary?

Yesterday, Republican frontrunner Rick Santorum said the president subscribes to a "phony theology." His spokeswoman Alice Stewart took to MSNBC today to clarify: Santorum was referring to Obama's "radical Islamic policies." She herself later called MSNBC to clarify her clarification: she mean to say "radical environmental policies." It's a common mistake — haven't we all mistakenly called it the Islamic Protection Agency?

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Testament's Alex Skolnick and Lamb of God's Randy Blythe.

With the Republican presidential primary still bitterly contested between the four remaining candidates, every last endorsement counts — especially the crucial support of the Big Four of thrash metal: Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, and Anthrax. Megadeth's Dave Mustaine has come out in support of Rick Santorum.

Michele Bachmann, the magical flightless wish bird willed into existence by thousands of liberal bloggers, is no more. After a sixth-place finish in the Iowa caucuses, Bachmann announced on Wednesday that she would be suspending her campaign and returning to her homeland, Quadling Country in Oz.

Sarah Palin announced on Wednesday evening that she's not running for president, because she thinks she can "be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office."

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has abandoned his sad quest for the presidency after a disappointing third-place finish in yesterday's Iowa straw poll. He told staff Sunday morning.

Everyone welcome Thad McCotter to the race for the Republican presidential nomination! Who? you ask. Well, according to our notes, McCotter is a... congressman from... Michigan who, let's see, is supposed to be sort of funny? (According to Andrew Breitbart McCotter is "blunt, sarcastic, pop-culture-savvy, constitutionally sound and an authentic voice.") Also, he looks vaguely like my AP US History teacher, so he'll definitely have the Princeton High School class of 2003 vote locked. Oh, and the issues! McCotter's "themes" are: "The challenge of globalization, the war for freedom against terrorists, the rise of Communist China and whether moral relativism erodes a nation built on self-evident truth." McCotter announced his bid for the presidency yesterday at the "WAAM Freedom Fest," where he also played guitar. [Detroit Free Press]

In 2008, presidential candidate Mitt Romney spent $2.5 million to buy a win at the Iowa straw poll (an August event that "is one of the landmark events of the nominating contest"), and then, hilariously, lost the caucuses a few months later, because he doesn't love fetuses enough and may have once seen two men kissing. So, this time around, he's just going to skip the stupid poll! This lessens his chances of winning in Iowa, but it helps Romney position himself as a pragmatic business-golfer-pleated-pants type who will create jobs, rather than a bible-thumping-intense-gaze type who will ban MTV, or whatever Republicans are into these days. Good luck creating jobs while buying into the liberal conspiracy known as "global warming," Mitt! [WSJ; image via AP]

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels has decided not to run for president. He alerted followers of the news in an email sent out early — really early — Sunday morning, probably while he was drunk, or at least, feeling restless after Saturday Night Live. Daniels, an establishment Republican favorite, had built up a reputation as a "sane" Republican by not actively demonizing Muslims and talking about "the deficit" all the time, but he stripped Indiana funds for Planned Parenthood and continued to identify himself as a Republican in 2011, so how sane can he really be? Even so, someone should check on David Brooks and make sure he's doing okay. [Politico; image via AP]

Ron Paul is going exploring! The Republican congressman will announce the formation of a presidential exploratory committee tomorrow, along with an "Iowa leadership team" composed of "three of the 19 members of the Iowa Republican Party's state central committee," plus Gimli, Legolas and Boromir; the committee will take to the official Ron Paul Blimp, from which they will seek out, aided by millions of eager internet commenters, the mythical Gold Standard, jealously guarded by the tyrant Barack Obama. Paul, a libertarian OB/GYN, will not win the nomination "IRL," as he does not hate Muslims enough, but he will win the Reddit front page. [Slate]

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has announced plans to form a presidential exploratory committee! Santorum is, of course, the anal sex byproduct candidate, but he's so much more than that, too—he's also the family values candidate:

Loud person Donald Trump, who is running for president from the Insane Internet Commenter wing of the Republican Party, has decided that not enough people are paying attention to him. So he wrote a letter to The New York Times!

You know The Guy Who Tries Too Hard? The guy who talks too loud about how hot his girlfriend is and how good at fighting he is? That Guy is running for president. His name is Tim Pawlenty.

Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will announce the formation of an exploratory committee—the first stage in presidential candidacy—on Thursday, according to a longtime aide. Or, that's not what he's doing at all, according to another longtime aide. Oh, boy, this will be fun!

Good news, everyone! Sarah Palin is "seriously considering" running for president in 2012. Don't be nervous for her, though—she believes she can beat President Obama.

According to The Huffington Post, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and MSNBC host Joe Scarborough "have begun trying to figure out whether they could be an independent presidential ticket in 2012." Here's how they could win.