Incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian's 5WPR threatens to sue alt-weekly for its cover story on 5W client Cinergy Health; soon afterwards, emails same alt-weekly a press release offering Cinergy's CEO for interviews. Sounds about right. [Houston Press]

Never let it be said that Ronn [sic] Torossian was not among the very first shameless D-grade flacks to post a Youtube video opining on the future of Michael Jackson's "brand" before the man's body was even cold.

Here is an actual press release sent yesterday to the editor of GayListDaily.com. That's GayListDaily.com. How stupid can you anticipate the following press release to be? It was sent by 5WPR, America's most inept organization of any sort. Behold:

Hello, what is Ronn [sic] Torossian's wacky PR firm, 5WPR, doing now? They're flacking for a pyramid scheme, reportedly! That's just nice. As Ronn says, "Times such as these are no time for ego."

Felix Salmon got one of those world famous 5W press releases, which, excitingly, contained the solution to America's unemployment woes:

Your Press Release of the Day adeptly communicates the fact that fine cigars are all about taste. The taste of Monica Lewinsky's pussy, yea!

Ha, here is a funny little story about America's most comical PR agency, Ronn [sic] Torossian-led 5WPR. This story comes from a former 5W Vice President! It's about sex:

Grandly coiffed activist Al Sharpton spoke today at the offices of 5WPR, the agency led by that other noted civil rights activist, Ronn [sic] Torossian. Ronn's keeping busy, but we hear his firm has issues...

Hahaha: Incompetent, litigious superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian is suing a rival for $20 million for calling him a douchebag, on the internet! Hahahaha! This is my favorite story of the holiday season:

In the past 45 years, the percentage of US homicides solved annually has declined from 91% to just 61%. On top of that, incompetent superflack and total war advocate Ronn [sic] Torossian has published an op-ed about the importance of "earning trust." [AP, AJC]

28 million swing state residents got a special gift with their newspapers recently! An hour-long DVD called Obsession: Radical Islam's War Against the West was tucked in with papers thanks to Clarion Fund, a nonprofit group established by a radical right-wing Israelis dedicated to making Americans scared of Muslims. And hah, incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian is behind it all! The Obsession movie is linked to a group called "Aish HaTorah," a far-right Jewish movement that Atlantic writer Jeffrey Goldberg calls "the lunatic fringe" of Israeli politics. Torossian, of course, represents them. Here is a fun story Goldberg tells about the time he met Ronn!

Kim Brittingham is New York writer who is fat. (Self-described. She once, as a stunt, made a fake book cover titled "Fat is Contagious: How Sitting Next To a Fat Person Can Make YOU Fat," and rode around on buses reading it. Heh). Anyhow, she reports that she had a meeting set up with a PR firm (5WPR, natch) to discuss her being a spokesperson for Avenue , a "plus-size" women's clothing retailer. But, at the last minute, she couldn't get her foot in the door, so to speak. Take it away, Kim:

From 5WPR: "I want to offer you Paul Lehr Healthcare attorney and President of the Pritikin Center, the leading medical institute in the US for disease prevention for over 30 years (according to the New England Journal of Medicine and the Journal of the American Medical Association), longevity and obesity to discuss how cutting Medicare will affect the economy and drive up insurance costs." Hmm.

Our intrepid correspondent was barred from covering political attack man Roger Stone's speech at the offices of the bumbling, lowbrow 5WPR, but we win, because the entire speech is now on YouTube! Please watch all four poorly lit, nearly inaudible parts and let us know what he said. Plus we now have this picture of an appropriately shady-looking Ronn [sic] Torossian hovering behind an equally shady Stone! [YouTube]

This morning, Republican political attack hack Roger Stone traveled to the offices of 5WPR-the firm led by legendarily inept attack flack Ronn [sic] Torossian-to give a speech entitled "The World As It Really Is." (Dirty, we presume). One brave Gawker reader, Stephen Kosloff, answered our call and agreed to go cover the event. But when our operative arrived, Ronn asked him who sent him-and he gave an honest answer. That was his downfall! We pick up his tale of woe as he enters the room where the event will take place, and prepares to start his reporting:

As soon as you see an op-ed which begins, "As the owner of one of the 25th largest public relations agencies in the U.S.," you should immediately guess that it's an opus by none other than language-challenged sock puppeteer and unapologetically incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian, head of 5WPR. "Let's begin with the basics: Bribery is unacceptable, yet for a democracy or civilized government, it is wholly abhorrent," writes Ronn. Please explain, sir!

When we're feeling masochistic, we like to peruse the blog of incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian. It's his own forum for speaking to you, the consumer, without having to go through the filter of a biased media outlet like this one. So in the spirit of fairness and education, we're bringing you five of the 5WPR CEO's thoughts on how to become a successful entrepreneur-all in that inimitable Ronn style. At the end, we submit a bonus tip of our own! Read and learn from a self-made success story:

An IP address affiliated with America's most inept agency, 5WPR, was used to edit the Wikipedia entry about 5W's CEO, incompetent superflack and bad apologizer Ronn [sic] Torossian. This is the same IP address that the agency was using to leave fake blog comments, which it was busted for last week. Hey 5W, you guys think you could stop doing this stuff? It's really depressing to cover you. After the jump, a look at the major edit of Ronn's page, which is now flagged for sounding "like a news release.":

At the risk of sounding earnest, there is simply no end to the incompetence and ethical failure at 5WPR, profane superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian's comically inept PR firm. FailedMessiah.com finds 11 more fraudulent, sock puppet blog comments, dating back to last month, that came from the IP address of the home computer of Juda Engelmayer, the 5WPR VP already busted for one earlier fake comment. I guess the evidence has now become overwhelming enough that Ronn himself has issued a statement-possibly the most laughable, inadequate apology-turned-sales pitch I've ever heard from a PR guy:

It's not entirely surprising that the PR firm that misspelled the online signature of the guy they were trying to impersonate has now been busted for ineptly trying to blame an unidentified "intern" for everything. Bumbling disaster of a publicity shop 5WPR posted, in the name of a rabbi, fake blog comments about a sweatshoppy kosher slaughterhouse. When busted, senior vice president Juda Engelmayer blamed an unpaid 5WPR intern who he refused to name. Now, news service JTA is severely undercutting this explanation by reporting it traced one of the fake comments to Engelmayer's home (in part by matching the internet address of a comment to the internet address of an Engelmayer email). Whoops! Hard to blame interns at the office when the stuff is coming from your own pad. How are you going to explain this one, Juda?

Incompetent flackery factory 5WPR has admitted to the internet sock puppetry we covered yesterday-posting fake comments on a blog on behalf of a client. That client, by the way, is a kosher slaughterhouse called Agriprocessors, which has long been under fire for workplace safety and immigration law violations. 5W CEO and paragon of employee satisfaction Ronn [sic] Torossian told The Forward that an investigation is underway to determine who's responsible for the fake comments. But even though Ronn is a friend to Israel, he already has a Rabbi scared for his own safety. Shame! Incompetent shame: