We'll start out by saying we've never really been a Dancing with the Stars person, just like we've never been a cat or coconut person. Not that we aren't amenable to garish talent competitions—but there's something so pungently desperate about this particular affair, so, "Look at me world! I've found my Z-list celebrity purpose again!" that it manages to exceed even our vast capacity for brain-smoothing frivolousness. That said—what a show!It kicked off with the familiar kaleidoscopic opener, the viewing of which lulls the audience into a light trance, rendering them pliable to host Tom Bergeron's kinky sexual bidding whenever he utters the word "Bruno." That was followed by a series of political attack spoof ads, the twelfth as funny as the first, plus an encore performance of Lance Bass's sultry Tango del Eyeliner. Sadly, it was Rocco DiSpirito who danced with Death last night, its rhinestone-encrusted scythe falling on the comely chef who ultimately proved incapable of locating the soul inside a samba the way he does his Mama's Meatballs. At least he can go home with his head held high, knowing Mario Batali would never have been able to pull off that fuchsia sleeveless number.

· Ridley Scott's first sci fi film since Alien and Blade Runner will be The Forever War, a project delayed for decades over book rights. Please God let it not star Russell Crowe. [Variety] · The 24th Mipcom festival was overshadowed by economic tsuris, but reps from the American TV industry are remaining optimistic, saying, "C'mon—Desperate Housewives catfights are universal and depression-proof. Am I wrong?" [Variety] After the jump: Which agent kissed off WMA, taking her highish-profile client list to UTA?· Rachel Getting Married and Religulous's healthy performance at the box office—to say nothing of Kirk Cameron's fireman-wife-God love triangle movie Fireproof—mark a new Golden Age for specialty cinema. Hooray for Specialtywood! [Variety] · After two weeks of ratings declines, Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters have plateaued. [THR] · Theresa Peters—-the agent of James McAvoy, Kirsten Dunst, Mandy Moore, Joshua Jackson and Jeffrey Dean Morgan—left WMA, and joined UTA as a partner, adding a couple of semi-heavy-hitters to its recent gets of Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Miley Cyrus and Seth Green. [THR]

· Add a plate of hamsters to the crafts services table: Defamer favorite V is making its long awaited return, with a remake in development at ABC from Scott Peters, the creator/EP of The 4400. [Variety] · W. star Josh Brolin is close to signing on as the lead in Jonah Hex, the facially disfigured DC Comics gunslinger, in a movie by the Crank team. Since his recent tasering by overzealous Shreveport law enforcement has left the right side of his face paralyzed already, half the makeup work has already been done! [Variety] · Eric Bana is negotiating to star in a remake of 2004 French heist drama Le Convoyeur, about an armored car heist. [Variety] After the jump: What hunky mystery disease was spotted lunching at The Grill with Seth Rogen?· Seth Rogen will produce and co-star in I'm With Cancer—an autobiographical spec by Will Reiser about his struggles with the disease—promising to do for chemotherapy what Knocked Up did for morning sickness. [THR] · Remember the names Kristy Flores, Paul Iacono, Paul McGill, Naturi Naughton, Kay Panabaker, Kherington Payne, Collins Pennie, Walter Perez and Anna Maria Perez de Tagle. Now forget them, because they're starring in a Fame remake no one is going to give a shit about. [THR]

Click to viewBoomp3.com The world’s ultimate cougar, Cloris Leachman believes she’s capable of carrying anything after carrying the popular ABC reality dance competition for the last few weeks. Leachman even carried her granddaughter a few blocks over to her car. Leachman said, “Put me on NBC and I’ll carry that network across the finish line, too.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

· We have more info on the lift of the Oscars movie-ad-ban in place since 1953: The Academy will allow one spot per distributor, it must feature only one film, and it must premiere during the telecast. The idea is that the high-profile and elaborate ads themselves will become a reason for the disinterested to tune in—like when gay guys watch the Super Bowl. [Variety] · ABC continued to see steep ratings decline in its Wednesday night lineup, with Private Practice and Dirty Sexy Money both down about 20% from last week's already low numbers. Over at ABC Family, meanwhile, 10 Things I Hate About You will become a weekly series, and Joey Lawrence and Melissa Joan Hart will star in a romcom MOW, tentatively titled, Whoa. [Variety] [THR] After the jump: Which vigilante actor is about to star in a vigilante movie?· Jamie Foxx and pap-busting Spartan Gerard Butler will star in Law Abiding Citizen, appropriately enough about a regular Joe who takes the law into his own hands. [THR] · The newly sovereign, India-based DreamWorks has decided to put off its big Wall Street pitch until the market decides to crawl back out of Satan's anus. [THR] · Mark Burnett will produce an updated version of This Is Your Life, except every week it's going to be Donald Trump's life we're reliving. (And he'll never fail to act surprised.) [TV Week]

As far as nightmare-fueling Dancing with the Stars performances go, nothing in the sequence above even approaches Marie Osmond's legendary Baby Doll Dance of Despair—a harrowing journey into wind-up madness that to this day makes our left eyelid twitch whenever we hear the song "Start Me Up" or see the color pink. We'll extend that now to fuchsia, too, as it seems Cloris Leachman's hairpiece-malfunction-plagued rockabilly ballet has already burrowed itself into our subconscious; we hold it singularly responsible for what is sure to be a recurring Busby Berkeley-on-bad-acid fever dream, featuring our worm's-eye view of hundreds of spanky-pants-wearing octogenarians scissor-kicking around us in circle formation.

Bad television is still recognized as "intellectual property" no matter how stupid it is, as ABC has discovered in recent months with its hit Wipeout. After some vocal complaints from a producer who claimed the network not only ripped off his "inbreds on an obstacle course" idea but conspired with YouTube to pull evidence from the site, the Japanese network that launched the original show officially filed suit today against ABC to reclaim its fragile sense of propriety over irredeemably dumb shit — not to mention unspecified monetary damages:

Though it premiered last year to huge numbers, the whimsical dramedy Pushing Daisies may soon need its hero's touch of life, if last night's ratings are any indication. The second season premiere of Daisies fell a whopping 55% from its year-ago totals, the biggest drop on a night of mostly bad returns for ABC (Private Practice fell 38%, and the troubled, endlessly tinkered-with Dirty Sexy Money fell 31%). Might ABC be rethinking it decision to hold all three shows until the fall after last year's writers strike interrupted their freshman seasons? And if a shirtless Lee Pace (above, having bees poured on him) can't resuscitate Daisies, can anything? [THR]

♦ Rachael Ray's mammogram is scheduled for tomorrow. And you'll be able to watch it go down if you tune into her show. [NYDN]
♦ The New Yorker just issued its endorsement of Barack Obama. Bet you're really surprised. [NYer]
♦ CNBC hit an all-time record the day the Dow dropped 777 points. [MCN]
♦ ABC's lineup of new shows isn't off to a very good start this season. [THR]
♦ Why Microsoft's ads with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld was a flop and Apple's "I'm a PC" ad has been a success. [AdAge]
♦ Newark's Star-Ledger is hanging on, but barely. [AP]
♦ As the economy turns south, marketers are turning up the volume and going after their competitors. [WSJ]
♦ Donna Tartt is leaving Knopf for Little, Brown. [Galleycat]
♦ The new, ad-covered subway cars... revealed! [NYT]

♦ David Letterman ripped into John McCain once again last night, which he'll probably continue to do as long as he gets this much attention for it. [NYT]
♦ Sarah Ivens is out as the editor-in-chief of the moneylosing tabloid OK! And, no, Bonnie Fuller is not taking over. [NYP]
♦ CNBC's David Faber is writing a book about the Wall Street meltdown, too. [NYO]
♦ ABC won the Thursday night ratings war thanks to the two-hour season premiere of Grey's Anatomy. [TV Decoder]
♦ Brigitte Quinn and Page Hopkins are leaving Fox News. [TV Newser]
♦ The Magazine Publishers of America will announce the winner of the cover of the year on Monday; here are the three finalists. [Jossip]

How much does awful celebrity gossip machine TMZ pay to get its hands on all those exclusives? A whole helluva lot more than a reasonable person might think. For example: OJ Simpson is on trial in Vegas right now for armed robbery of some sports collectibles. Clearly, OJ's time in the spotlight has passed. He's third rate. But here's how much a tape of the crime was worth:

The 60th Annual Prime Time Emmy Awards are here! Aren't you watching? Not the stupid daytime stuff, but Prime Time, where the money gets spent! E!'s red carpet extravaganza just got underway, and Jimmy Kimmel's pre-game show starts on ABC at 7:00. So, for all of those who want to share the merry—and make fun of people's clothing and bad one-liners—please come on in!

We had no idea that next February's analog-to-digital TV conversion was shaping up as the Y2K of contemporary broadcasting, but a careful reconsideration of the facts offers alarming new perspective on a crisis in the making. To wit: Your grandparents may miss the Academy Awards. Or so reports Variety, which points to the Feb. 17 changeover, the Feb. 22 Oscarcast and a constituency of none-the-wiser viewers as the makings of a perfect storm threatening to wash away the Oscars as we know them:

• The premiere of Saturday Night Live with Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin and Michael Phelps as guest host generated the show's best season debut since 2001. [THR]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Normally, a crippling fear of spilling her drink order consumes Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo on her daily Starbucks run. Instead, the baristas must’ve assumed that when she used the name, “Ellen” it was a fake name and that her real name is Renee, as in Renee Zelllweger. Pompeo tried to laugh off the case of mistaken identity, but it really got to her. Pompeo confessed, “We’re both awesome and blonde, but that’s it. That’s where the similarities end. We’re nothing alike. Two completely different people.” [Photo Credit: Flynet] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Wonkette tipped us off to this ABC Money Trail segment about a lavish party thrown at the Republican Convention by lobbyist Glenn LeMunyon, an ex aide to mammoth Texas corruptophile Tom DeLay, despite pleas from Party leaders that they stop flaunting all that ill-gotten defense contract wealth while that Humongous Hurricane was about to destroy New Orleans all over again (well, be downgraded to a tropical storm.) We don't really get what's worth covering your face with a ridiculous pink feather boa here. (Ha ha, but that's about :49 in.) Were they supposed to throw out perfectly good boas? It's clear they only went because the band playing was called Hookers & Blow, which is about as great a name for a cover band as one could ask, and to that end, shouldn't we commend the GOP here for, as long as their impulsive nominee just passed up dozens of relatively sober possible running mates for a wholly unvetted animal-skinning secessionist, for at least putting on a party that looks kind of almost fun? The Democrats had to suffer Kanye for Chrissakes.

· Low-budget suspense movie The Strangers, which managed to pretty effectively scare the crap out of us, is getting a sequel. It promises to cover all the rooms in a house Liv Tyler wasn't chased through by a trio of masked psychopaths in the original. [Variety] · NBC gives Chuck gets a full-season order, while America's Got Talent—which seems on course to reward a male Britney Spears impersonator $1 million—got a fourth season. [Variety] · Lonelygirl15 is returning for LG15: The Resistance. Could someone be a doll and fill Aaron Sorkin in on what's happened in the plot until now? [Variety] · ABC is hot for a comedy pilot from Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd that would follow three families as their lives are documented by a Dutch filmmaker. None of the families are Caveman-American, to our knowledge. [THR] · George Clooney is in negotiations to star in Jason Reitman's adaptation of Walter Kirn's frequent-flyer-mile-addiction novel, Up in the Air, effectively bumping this project up to First Class. (Feel free to use that, THR.) [THR]

• Arianna Huffington says her website is not for sale, but that's probably just because no one is interested in paying $200 million for it. [Gawker]

Though she's had her fair number of brushes with the law, Michelle Rodriguez continues to confound the industry by working steadily. She's currently filming Avatar, a grueling shoot that requires her to wear a motion-capture device not unlike an old-fashioned diving suit, as James Cameron's Jesus Cameras™ provide the required fantasy spacescapes around her. There's also her exciting Shell-truck-detonating work in Fast and Furious. But for millions of Lost fans worldwide, she will forever be remembered as Ana Lucia Cortez—a castaway cop snuffed by the cruel hand of overpopulated-island fate, plus a network head sick of reading about her latest arrests. EW.com now reports that all fences and landmass-disappearing donkey wheels have been mended, as Rodriguez is set to return for a single episode, probably as a "flashback or via hallucination," in the coming season.They offer several theories regarding the how and why, but we'll throw our own into the mix: Maybe she was wearing a Locke disguise, and it was really her in the casket all along. Who really cares? Ana's back!

That thrilling rite of reality TV passage—the running of the Z-list celebs down the streets of Pomona and into the Dancing with the Stars studios for an unforgettable season of Mambos and Cha-Chas, marred infrequently by the occasional rogue-sequin blinding—is again underway, friends. Let's get right down to it. Here is your class of 2008-09: