If you've found yourself vaguely dissatisfied after sitting through an episode of Desperate Housewives this season, don't wrack your brain wondering if it's because creator Marc Cherry isn't writing nearly all of the episodes, delegating much of the creative duties to a staff not completely in tune with his finely developed sense of soap opera camp (the evil-Eva-Longoria-twin episode should arrive in six weeks). Cherry fervently denies that he's not paying enough attention to his overrated Nielsen monster, so the LAT goes looking for other answers:

We know that surveys like the one above that ABC is using for Commander in Chief (it's a little hard to read, but click it to see the full version) are used for market research, but do they have to sound so needy? Am I too far-fetched? Do I remind you of that bitch Hillary? Do my Geena Davis lips, plump and luxurious like throw pillows from God's sofa, make you feel insecure about your own? Why don't you loooove me? We suppose they might use the answers to help "recalibrate" the show following the recent showrunner switch, but it's clear they're ready for a change of direction—they didn't even ask if we'd find a scene of rough sex between a Secret Service agent and the First Daughter "too rapey."

· Warner Brothers throws money at a comedy pitch that sounds like the beginning of a very bad joke from the Wedding Crashers team of David Dobkin and Andrew Panay: "Story concerns three daughters who bring their boyfriends home — an Arab, a Jew and an African-American — to meet their hard-nosed Southern father during the holidays." As soon as the pair can remember the set-up for the one that ends with the duck telling the bartender to "just put it on my bill," Universal is expected to make a preemptive $5 million offer to the pair. [Variety]
· You already know about how you'll soon be able to squint through your favorite TV shows on the video iPod, but why not read the trade reports? [Variety, THR]
· Fox has kicked The Simple Life to the curb, but NBC and The WB might be interested in getting some sloppy seconds with Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. [Variety]
· CBS picks up the back nine for Ghost Whisperer, Criminal Minds, and How I Met Your Mother. Clearly, Jennifer Love Hewitt's ghost-detecting rack is good for at least nine more episodes. [THR]
· The Yankees are out of the playoffs, but unfortunately for Fox, they took all the Nielsen families with them. [Variety]

Let's get one thing straight: No matter how ABC decides to sell its back-to-back "Latin hour" programming block of The George Lopez Show and Freddie, Lopez's hacky Mexican jokes and Prinze's housecoat-wearing, voodoo-Catholic grandmother stereotype should be judged unfunny on their own merits:

Today's NY Times follows up Friday's announcement by ABC that the network was replacing Commander in Chief series creator/showrunner Rod Lurie with omnipresent TV deity Steven Bochco with a report that the move was made because of "production delays":

· Edward Norton and Brad Pitt will produce a 10-part miniseries for HBO and National Geographic based on a Stephen Ambrose book on Lewis and Clark. Norton will direct at least one of the episodes, with Brad Pitt set to pretend he'd heard of Lewis and Clark before he was presented with the project. [Variety]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Antoine Fuqua to an exclusive television directing deal, hoping that the director can translate some of the magic of King Arthur and the last half-hour of Training Day to the small screen. [THR]
· CBS wins a "fierce bidding war" for the sitcom Class, about a "group of eight twentysomethings who were all in the same third-grade class 20 years ago. Most of the group doesn't keep in touch or even remember one another. They're brought together again by happenstance when one of them throws a surprise anniversary party for his girlfriend — whom he met in the third grade." High concept enough for you? No? Bam: There's "no one living room where they gather." Welcome to the age of the multiple-couch sitcom. [Variety]
· Not to put too fine a point on it, but ABC continues to make all Sunday night competition its bitch. [THR]
· Gwyneth Paltrow will star in The Good Night, a film directed by her brother and shooting mostly in London, mercifully keeping the Bride of Coldplay away from America for a little while longer. [Variety]

THR reported a little while ago (no BREAKING tag, however) that Steven "Pick A TV Show At Random...Yeah, That Was Mine" Bochco is taking over showrunning duties on ABC's Commander-in-Chief from series creator Rod Lurie, with Lurie downshifting into the inevitable "development duties":

· By way of review, enjoy the trades' coverage of yesterday's Paramount Classics bloodletting. Optional: Chatter about Lions Gate's Tom Ortenberg redecorating an office on the Paramount lot. [Variety, THR]
· Not having had their fill of humiliation and abuse back in the good ol' days of Miramax, survivors Eric Roth and Barry Littman sign up for another tour of duty with the Weinsteins at the Weinstein Co. [Variety]
· Don Johnson unemployed: The WB cancels the this-should-really-be-about-a-jailbait-porn-publisher drama Just Legal. Also, Supernatural gets a full season pickup. [THR]
· Weinstein Survivor Update, Part II: Former Dimension guy Andrew Rona acquires his first project at Rogue Pictures (the "futuristic action thriller" Doomsday), resists the reflexive urge to pick up a phone to get chewed out by Bob Weinstein. [Variety]
· ABC buys a one-hour dramedy script inspired by the music of Diane Warren, about a songwriter who specializes in love songs but—get ready to have your neck snapped with surprise—has a messy love life. Yeah, we didn't see that one coming, either. [THR]

· NBC greenlights the hourlong comedic drama pilot Heist, to be directed by Doug Liman. The show "is an 'Ocean's Eleven'-style hour about a group of thieves who'll spend the season engineering and executing a grand scheme to simultaneously rob three Rodeo Drive jewelry stores. The twist: They're planning to pull off the job during Oscar week." Liman's pilot has been optimistically budgeted for $175 million. [Variety]
· One day, there will be only two things on your television: A faint distress signal* originating from an inflatable raft after the Great Biblical Flood of 2021, and Jimmy Kimmel Live. [THR]
· Cancellation watch: NBC pulls Inconceivable from this week's schedule, though it's scheduled to return on the 14th. Looks like fertility drama fans can kiss their televised turkey basters goodbye. [Variety]
· With teams from four of the top six cities in the playoffs, FOX and ESPN are ready for big ratings. But should the Yankees and Red Sox not meet in the ALCS, both nets will petition MLB for do-overs until the correct results are achieved. [Variety]
· Filthiest trade-paper headline of the day: "Arnett, Shepard Get Wet at Par" [THR]

[*After 2019, mobile phones will have TV broadcasting capabilities.]

· Further proving that his desire for camp knows no bounds, Desperate Housewives mastermind Marc Cherry is working with Chucky creator Don Mancini on a "suspense drama" pilot for ABC tentatively titled Kill/Switch. One thing is clear: Cherry's about to produce television's next great, overrated guilty pleasure! [Variety]
· Renee Zellweger continues to wash that gay-seeming ex-hubby right out of her hair, will star in the Tom Cruise-produced The Eye, a remake of the 2002 Hong Kong thriller Jian gui. [THR]
· Every so often, Variety gets a little loopy and uncorks a headline worthy of celebrated wordsmith Ted Casablanca. Today is of one of those days: "Pix get das boot: Titles tripped by tapped-out Teutons." [Variety]
· Today Disney officially cuts ties to the Weinsteins, sending the brothers and their infant, but ambitious, company to suckle at someone else's billion-dollar teat. We didn't realize how disturbing the image of a nursing Harvey Weinstein was until we actually typed that last sentence. Please accept our apologies for scarring you on a Friday. [THR]
· Mike Myers will star as Who drummer Keith Moon in a biopic produced by Roger Daltrey. You know what that means: Myers gets to do yet another British accent. Puncture your eardrums with a meat thermometer now and save yourself the eventual, much more acute pain. [Variety]

· David Geffen called off talks for NBC Universal to buy DreamWorks, stepping away from the table when NBC Uni reduced their offer "on the 1-yard line," noting partner Steven Spielberg's supposedly "ambivalent" attitude about the deal. Who will buy the Geffen-Spielberg lovechild? [dramatic organ music] Will Geffen's ploy to negotiate in the trades pay off? [somewhat louder, dramatic organic music] Stay tuned! [Variety]
· Why We Love Hollywood, Part Thirty-Five: Benderspink and New Line come up with the idea for the comedy Boob Job during a company lunch, when a NL exec "told a really funny story about a guy whose wife had gotten implants and it ruined the guy's life," With that kind of thoughtful storycraft, there is no way this movie can possibly fail. [THR]
· Giddy from signing Family Guy showrunner David Goodman to a two-year development deal, 20th Century Fox TV president Gary Newman lets down his guard and describes Goodman as "a fantastic piece of manpower." Wow. That must've been some hot, closed-door negotiation. [Variety]
· Judging from her premiere Nielsens, fictional Commander in Chief president Geena Davis is easily more popular than George W. [THR]
· Says Var about Michael Eisner's final public address as head of Disney: "Call Michael Eisner the anti-Cher: While most aging icons' farewell tours are loud, frenzied and never-ending, the Walt Disney CEO seems determined to go out like a lamb." The anti-Cher? This pretty much kills Eisner's post-Disney plan to make a living doing campy cameos on Will & Grace. [Variety]

· "Just 10 days away from taking the baton at the Mouse House, a composed and articulate Bob Iger put the emphasis on single-mindedly growing the company's brands." Composed and articulate? What was Variety expecting, that Iger speak in tongues while crapping his pants? Maybe he's saving that for his first day on the job. [Variety]
· The premiere of Lost does "astounding" and "stellar" numbers, while its 8 pm recap/lead-in special causes Martha Stewart's Apprentice to bite the doily. [THR]
· The newly split-up Viacom explains its strategies to Wall Street, with Les Moonves bristling at the idea his division is "slow growth," and calling counterpart Tom Freston "laid back," which will make him "easy to kill, when the time is right." [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Vigilante Judges Edition: Hyde Park Entertainment to redo 1983's The Star Chamber for Fox. Well, at least it isn't for Paramount, home of all things remake. [THR]
· Batman Forever reunion! Jim Carrey is in talks to be homoeroticized by director Joel Schumacher in New Line's "quirky" thriller The Number 23. Should talks progress as expected, Carrey will begin his rubber-nipple fittings immediately. [Variety]

When a television production tells a woman with painfully acute self-esteem issues that they're going to give her a smile like Cindy Crawford, then backs out of potentially life-changing surgery at the last minute because the "extreme makeover" wouldn't fit their schedule, what's the worst that can happen? For ABC, how about a tragic suicide and a million dollar lawsuit?

· Chilling factoid of the day, from a story about Rupert Murdoch's recent binge of internet-related acquisitions: "If MySpace and IGN were integrated today, News Corp. would be the fifth most trafficked network on the Web." Welcome to the RupeNet. [Variety]
· The NFL does its best water polo player impression by stomping on Seth Cohen and propelling ABC to a Thursday night ratings win. [THR]
· ABC will dub or subtitle its entire primetime lineup in Spanish, firm in the belief that no language barrier should prevent potential audiences from overrating Desperate Housewives or missing a single hilarious word uttered by Freddie Prinze Jr. [Variety]
· Comedy Central does what it can to cope with the uncertain, post-Chappelle's Show era, ordering another three seasons (42 episodes) of South Park, and hoping that Trey Parker and Matt Stone aren't going to disappear to Bolivia to chill out with a big bag of their cash. [THR]
· Tonight's multinetwork Katrina telethon won't edit out political remarks, just profanity. Acceptable: "George Bush doesn't care about black people." Unacceptable: "George Bush doesn't fucking care about black people." [THR]

· Louisiana's film and TV office reaches out to Hollywood: "It's a beautiful day in Baton Rouge...Unless you're shooting a film called 'Hurricane,' you won't want to come to New Orleans, but we have 54 other parishes." We're all relieved to know that those tax incentives were evacuated from New Orleans in time. [Variety]
· An ABC News crew tried to approach New Orleans' Charity Hospital for a story, but was turned away by gunfire. In a related story, the LA film and TV office would like everyone to know that their Hollywood friendly tax breaks are completely unarmed. [THR]
· The 32nd Telluride Film Festival, which takes place in Colorado, a state somewhere in America, unsurprisingly will host a number of American premieres. [Variety]
· Cheaper by the Dozen director Shawn Levy will attempt the impossible task of trying to fill Brett Ratner's enormously hacky shoes, taking over casino flick 21, a project Ratner abandoned to take a shot at ruining the X-Men franchise. [THR]
· Former Tom Cruise guard-dog Pat Kingsley is opening a London branch of her PMK/HBH flackery in October, making it easier for her to deny access to her clients should the British press get out of line. [Variety]

A reader sent along this passage from ABC's preview page for Fall sitcom Freddie (which, unfortunately, has no unfortunately timed connections to hurricanes, leaving its premiere date unaffected), noting the interesting assertion in the last sentence (emphasis ours):

What's perhaps the only thing that could be more badly timed than a sitcom about terrorists? How about a new, much-hyped drama series about a family "trying to recover from a devastating hurricane and its mysterious aftermath"? ABC stopped soiling itself long enough to quickly and wisely disappear its disaster-themed promos for Invasion:

· Undeterred by the abandonment of two of his partners, Revolution's Joe Roth will take a more "hands-on role" in ensuring that the studio continues to reliably churn out five or six flops a year. [Variety]
· Buoyed by the inexplicable success of Fantastic Four, director Tim Story signs a deal with Fox to develop and direct two pilots. [THR]
· Billy Bob Thornton to star in the comedy Astronaut Farmer, in which an astronaut returns to—wait for it—the family farm, written and directed by the Polish Brothers of quirky Twin Falls Idaho fame. [Variety]
· The MPAA rules that Saw 2's severed-finger marketing campaign is "unacceptable," helpfully giving the movie more attention than the ads themselves would have attracted on their own. [THR]
· Bruce Willis will co-star with Halle Berry in Revolution's psychological thriller Perfect Stranger, which is "set in the world of the internet," hopefully proving once again that there is nothing quite as cinematic as a fevered exchange over IM. [Variety]
· ABC and Touchstone are sued by a local writer who claims Lost was stolen from his plane-crash-survivors-on-a-creepy-island idea from 1977, also called Lost. ABC immediately dispatched a jungle-loving polar bear, an invisible monster, and three inscrutable plot twists to deal with the aggrieved scribe. [THR]

No matter what circumstances led to the dissolution of the orphan-sheltering family who received a new house on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, a headline reading "Five Oprhans From Home Makeover Show Sue" looks pretty bad, and the conjured images of crying, parentless children standing out on the street as a Makeover truck pulls away must be inducing aneurysms in ABC's PR staff. From AP:

· Var: "Rupert Murdoch is really into the internet." Totally! Now that he's acquired MySpace, Murdoch is looking to continue moving boldly into the internet space. May we recommend an immediate purchase of StuffOnMyCat.com? [Variety]
· Production company Roaring Entertainment is suing ABC, Simon Cowell, and Freemantle Media claiming that their Million Dollar Idea was stolen. Actually, it should be a "tens of millions of dollars idea," since that's what the lawsuit is seeking in damages. [THR]
· Hey Dreamworks SpielbergKatzenbergGeffen, in your face! Sort-of stand-alone studio (did they have to mention that News Corp owns a chunk?) Regency Enterprises is thriving while you're hawking your wares to NBC Universal. [Variety]
· The Academy of Television Arts and Sciences gives ABC president Steve McPherson its inaugural "televisionary" award for his work to "advance the cause of diversity in the industry." We hope he doesn't bring Jim Belushi to the awards ceremony. No one wants an "incident." [THR]
· It's nice to see that Herbie: Fully Loaded director Angela Robinson wasn't so scarred by her experience with Linday Lohan that she quit the business. The Lohan-survivor will co-write and direct chick-becomes-cyborg action comedy Genbot for New Line. [Variety]
· There is much rejoicing at the Bing: HBO may tack on an additional 10 episodes to the end of The Sopranos' upcoming, final season. [THR