· Someone at Comedy Central finally asks, "Hey, what happened to the stuff we paid for before Dave Chappelle ran out on us?" and now plans to air the bits and pieces of Chappelle's Show's aborted third season sometime in 2006, both online and on TV. Among the highlights is the eerily prescient sketch, "Dave Takes Comedy Central's Money and Flees For Some Chill-Out Time in South Africa," starring, of course, the ghost of Rick James. [Variety]
· Fox confirms that a Fantastic Four sequel is a go. They boldly plan a July 4, 2007 release—at least until another studio comes along and stakes out the holiday weekend for its bigger, better blockbuster, at which time FF 2 will be rescheduled for February of 2008. [THR]
· Mel Gibson's newly established Con Artists Productions sets up four TV projects, three of which are legal dramas—one invoking LA Law, one recalling Moonlighting, and one also incorporating medical drama, which we will refer to as an Night Court/St. Elsewhere hybrid, just to cover all the 80s television bases. [Variety]
· ABC greenlights a comedy pilot from Ed producers Rob Burnett and Jon Beckerman. which replaces lovable, do-gooding schlump Tom Cavanaugh with lovable, wants-to-rob-a-celebrity schlump Donal Logue. [THR]
· Bravo broadens its horizons to include programs that people actually might want to watch. [Variety]

If there's one thing we know we can rely on in this world, it's The Smoking Gun's ability to delight us in the wake of virtually every celebrity-related legal run-in. They've already obtained the mugshots of seemingly pie-eyed Lost motorists Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros, who were arrested in Honolulu last night under suspicion of pounding too many mai tais before getting behind the wheel. (If you get close enough to your monitor, you can catch a whiff of the rum fumes rising off their images. Try it, it's fun!) And kudos to the police photographer who obviously denied them access to Visine until after the shoot, a bold choice that really paid artistic dividends.

· The following is not a joke: CBS is developing a family sitcom for Rev. Al Sharpton. Better: It's called Al in the Family, but will likely not incorporate the wacky hijinks of the infamous Tawana Brawley case. [Variety]
· The November sweeps results are in, and CBS and ABC end the ratings-whoring period in a deeply unsatisfying tie in the 18-49 demographic. Unsurprisingly, ultracompetive CBS is touting its razor-thin 16,000 viewer edge in the demo, as well as a victory in total viewers. NBC, it should be noted, did not finish last, and Fox holds its breath, absorbing its loss knowing that soon it will release its American Idol Kracken and rise from the depths of Nielsen failure. [THR]
· Director Peter Berg has compromising pictures of Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx, "persuades" him to join the cast of his The Kingdom for Universal. [Variety]
· As noted yesterday, NBC blows up its Thursday night for January, moving Earl and The Office from Tuesday to new Must See spots. To make room on the schedule, they're knocking Joey on the head with a rolling pin, leaving him somewhere in the desert, and dealing with the problem only if he somehow finds his way home. [THR]
· Major cable companies announce rate hikes for 2006. Fuck you, major cable companies, we already pay too much as it is for 25 channels of Law & Order reruns. [THR]

Two stars of ABC's Gilligan's Island-with-polar-bears-and-guns remake Lost have been arrested for drunk driving:

· As previously discussed, now that American Idol is definitely staying on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, the other networks scrub clean their soiled underthings and scramble to rearrange their schedules. [Variety]
· Amy Brenneman will join Al Pacino in the thriller 88 Minutes, in which Pacino learns that he's got only 88 minutes to sleepwalk through another performance before his character is killed. [THR]
· 20th Century Fox TV signs Nicole Richie to a talent holding deal, with the studio holding onto Richie until they can identify a talent that doesn't involve distressing weight-loss or hating Paris Hilton, then jam her into an appropriate, ill-fated project. [Variety]
· CBS rides Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to a Wednesday night win in total viewers, but ABC ekes out a 18-49 demo victory thanks to Lost. [THR]
· Senators Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman turn their political attention to the very serious problem of 15 year-olds being able to buy violent videogames without an annoyed parent present. [Variety]

The world of daytime dramas is a showbusiness subculture unto itself, with its own bizarre set of rules and customs. For example: once you are cast, you stay in that part pretty much until your dying breath, and even then creative ways are often employed to get a few more shooting days out of your corpse. So when it was recently announced that exception-to-the-rule Rick Springfield would be returning to the General Hospital role that made him a star 22 years earlier, very little shuffling had to be done to pick up where Dr. Noah Drake had left off:

ABC's annual celebration of overstatement, tear-jerking, and gauzy lense effects, Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005, airs tonight at 10 p.m., and this year's list, while not quite scaling the fascination heights of last year's, is at the very least mildly diverting, especially when your other options are a rerun of Criminal Minds and the Fox local news.

· ABC climbs quickly back in bed with recently ousted Commander in Chief creator/showrunner Rod Lurie, who will get to write and direct the second installment of his planned "Improbable Office-Holders" trilogy with Triumph, the story of an 18 year old mayor. Should the pilot get a series order, ABC and the strong-willed Lurie plan on parting bitterly after the third episode, in which the manchild mayor loses his virginity to an entire brothelful of prostitutes. [Variety]
· Jessica Simpson is in negotiations to star with Dane Cook in Lions Gate's Employee of the Month. Simpson's father/manager is getting a producing credit, and a healthy bonus awaits if he can maintain the illusion that his daughter's marriage is still intact while simultaneously feeding rumors of an affair with her co-star to US Weekly. [THR]
· Ashton Kutcher's Katalyst sets up the reincarnation pilot For Pete's Sake at NBC. Producing partner Jason Goldberg notes Kutcher's personal stamp on the project: in their world, celebrities automatically get into heaven. Indeed, no one could possibly doubt Kutcher's involvement now that he's turning the afterlife into the Spider Club. [Variety]
· Not even NBC's potent Poseidon Adventure triumvirate of Adam Baldwin, Rutger Hauer, and Steve Guttenberg could get within spitting distance of the ABC Sunday night Nielsen wrecking ball, making the Guttenberg/Patrick Dempsey Police Academy/Loverboy face-off somewhat anticlimactic. [THR]
· CBS will pit underemployed, fading celebrities against each other in classic gameshows for an American version of British hit Gameshow Marathon. The public will certainly clamor to watch a third season Survivor loser and Brad Garrett match wits in a heated Card Sharks contest. [Variety]

· Paramount rewards South Park's Trey Parker and Matt Stone for ridiculing their biggest movie star with a three-year production deal. The team has also formed their own company, Trunity, a Mediar company, a division of True Mediar, a Unity Corpbopoly. OK, we get it, you're wacky! [Variety]
· The OC continues to throw new characters at its third season story problems, this time signing up thirteen's Nikki Reed for a four episode arc. Still, should be a better addition than the Preppy Psychotic Statutory Rapist Dean. [THR]
· The ratings sweeps race is looking like a two-horse affair, with ABC and CBS battling for position "down the stretch." To further belabor the metaphor: NBC is still stuck at the gate, humping its dead steed with eyes squeezed shut, thinking of the Friends cast. [Variety]
· "Self-described hot-rod enthusiast" Jon Favreau will write and direct hot-rod drama Johnny Zero for Columbia. We hate to be so cynical, but why do we get the feeling that his assistant was printing out every Google result for "history of hot-rodding" the night before the studio meeting? [THR]
· Bernie Mac is developing an "All in the Family-like" sitcom for Fox. But this time, of course, the Archie Bunker character will be black instead of Michael Rappaport. [Variety]

· Attorneys General in 32 states sign a letter asking studios to add anti-smoking message to DVD and video releases in which smoking is shown, hoping to prevent teens from looking really, really cool in the breezeway between Geography and Home Ec. [Variety]
· Will Ferrell, Jon Heder, Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are in talks to star in an ice skating comedy Blades of Glory for DreamWorks. But THR stresses that while these are serious talks, money and scheduling could deprive the public the joy of Ferrell and Heder playing figure-skating archrivals who are forced to become pairs partners. [Variety]
· Putting up your own money is the new putting up someone else's money: Producer Bobby Newmyer gambles his kids' education fund on financing Mo'Nique vehicle Phat Girlz, but Fox Searchlight picks up distribution rights, assuring that Newmyer will not be murdered by community college educated offspring. [Variety]
· Lost producers will shoot 20 mini-episodes of further show content for mobile phones, allowing viewers the exciting, cutting-edge opportunity to be very confused while squinting at a one-inch screen. [THR]
· Walden Media and New Line try to trick us into thinking Hollywood's not out of ideas by making a modern, 3-D version of Jules Verne's Journey to the Center of the Earth. [Variety]

Page Kennedy, the Desperate Housewives actor suddenly and publicly shitcanned last week for the cryptic reason of "improper conduct," offers up a new, non-junk-dangling-related explanation for his abrupt dismissal:

· Warner Brothers and AOL team up to create the web television outlet IN2TV, which will air library titles (read: Chico and the Man) for free on demand, though with four 15-second commercials per half hour. The webnet will also be able to offer interactive features with the programming, like the indispensable ability to win prizes if a viewer can correctly guess how many secret Christian references Kirk Cameron slipped into late season Growing Pains episodes. [Variety]
· ABC continues its predictable, yet oddly comforting, Sunday night ratings dominance. It's kind of nice to know that no matter what ludicrous plot twist surfaces on Desperate Housewives (this week: the gay-seeming pharmacist moves ever closer to becoming a serial killer), people will still tune in in massive numbers. [THR]
· More Aquaman news: The WB will give Aquaman the Smallville treatment, but it won't be a spinoff launched by the recent fish-boy cameo on that series. The new producers promise that the character won't "won't be talking to fish or riding a seahorse," which will basically reduce him to an above average swimmer who wears orange spandex to class. [Variety]
· Greg Coolidge, the man behind Cockblockers, is set to write the script for 5-0, a single-camera comedy about a short, 18 year-old cop. For NBC, exactly the hit-starved place we'd expect to greenlight Doogie Howser PD. [Variety]
· New Line will keep star Will Arnett busy in the rapidly approaching post-Arrested Development era, casting him as the lead in comedy Jeff the Demon. [Variety]

· Sensing that there might be a few more dollars to be squeezed from The Terminator franchise, Fox commits to a pilot for The Sarah Connor Chronicles, which will also have "a link" to a possible future big-screen trilogy. Would someone please travel back in time and kill us during the closing credits of Terminator 2? Thanks, we'd really appreciate that. Things were so much less cynical then. [Variety]
· Paramount finally makes a honest man out of unstoppable hugging machine John Lesher, officially announcing his hiring to run Paramount Classics. [THR]
· Universal backs up a dump-truck full of cash for a package of the film rights to Malcolm Gladwell's nonfiction bestseller Blink, a deal for Stephen Gaghan to direct and write, and one for Leonardo DiCaprio to star. The pitch was based on a single chapter from the book involving someone who's good at reading faces and body language, which in a quintessentially Hollywood way inspired Gaghan to exclaim, "That's a movie!" Probably while chomping on a cigar and being serviced by someone from the typing pool. [Variety]
· Those half-dozen letter writers from the Parents Television Council kept themselves very busy in the third quarter, as FCC indecency complaints jumped fourfold in that timeframe. [THR]
· Joey co-creator Shana Goldberg seeks to singlehandedly save the moribund sitcom with a groundbreaking pilot for ABC about two sisters, one raised rich, while the other was poor. Are we expected to believe she developed that concept all by herself? [Variety]

· With an eye towards cleaning up at next year's holiday box office, Fox signs Ben Stiller for A Night at the Museum, in which Stiller will star as a security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." Excuse us. Stiller will star as a twitchy, neurotic, and impotent-rage-prone security guard who "unwittingly unleashes a curse that brings to life the bugs and animals on display." [Variety]
· Despite CBS's killer hurricane and NBC's live debate on The West Wing/two-hour L&O:SVU counterprogramming Hail Marys, America still preferred to watch the creepy, gay-seeming pharmacist contemplate date-raping Marcia Cross on Desperate Housewives. [THR]
· Michael Douglas mercifully chooses a role which will probably not require any further restorative plastic surgery, signing up to play "an eccentric and manic-depressive father who becomes obsessed with his belief that there's buried treasure in the San Fernando Valley" in the Alexander Payne-produced King of California. [Variety]
· Now that an Everybody Loves Raymond spinoff looks like a longshot, Brad Garrett realizes that he might need someone to find him a job, hires William Morris to hunt down the appropriate sitcom second-banana roles and CBS MOWs. [THR]
· It's William Morris Signing Day! Catherine Zeta-Jones returns to the welcoming arms of longtime WMA agent George Freeman, whom she jilted for CAA two years ago. [Variety]

• Actor Leonardo DiCaprio and supermodel Giselle Bundchen have reportedly ended their relationship — for real this time, and perhaps because of a third party. If this is the case, let's hope Leo cleans himself up a bit before heading back into the singles scene. [Page Six]
• Oh, the horror: Laguna Beach bad girl Kristin Cavalleri is dating poptard Aaron Carter. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
• Ted Koppel prays for Good Morning America co-host Charlie Gibson to replace the late Peter Jennings at the ABC evening newsdesk; GMA first lady Diane Sawyer commissions Haitian housemaid to create Koppel voodoo dolls. [Lowdown]
• Notorious fagodrome the Roxy, accused of admitting underage patrons, meets the long arm of the law just in time to wreck their gay ol' Halloween party. And so the war on fun continues. [Page Six]
• PETA narrows its gaze on Prince Charles, who it intends to harass on his forthcoming visit to the states. Apparently the royal guards use real bearskin on their helmets, which has the animal-rights group's knickers in a bunch. [Scoop]

· Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson shakes his glorious mane and gallops proudly away from Paramount's The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, possibly due to the studio's inability to find a female co-star meeting the Stallion's exacting standards. In a tragic downgrade, Zach Braff is now considered the frontrunner to take Wilson's place. [THR]
· Fox orders a pilot of the Jerry "All Your TV Are Belong To Me" Bruckheimer celebrity-lawyer procedural American Crime. Bored of merely recycling concepts, Bruckheimer mixes things up by reusing titles, as American Crime was the original name of CBS's Close to Home. [Variety]
· Jennifer Garner's Vandalia Films sets up erotic thriller Sabbatical at Touchstone as a starring vehicle for the actress, who bravely refuses to believe that marrying Ben Affleck has effectively ended her career. [THR]
· Touchstone TV rewards Grey's Anatomy showrunner Jim Parriott for his breakout, post-Housewives timeslot hit with a three year overall deal. [Variety]
· NBC ponders moving My Name is Earl to highly competitive (and lucrative) Thursday night, but Fox might be mulling a shift of juggernaut American Idol to that night as well, likely resulting in untold Must See TV ratings carnage. [THR]

· Studios fear that SAG's intramural executive bloodbath might indicate that the guild might not bend over so readily in future negotiations, perhaps even getting so uppity as to follow through on a work stoppage. The studios, however, will happily detonate a nuclear device and wipe out all of Hollywood before sharing any more DVD revenues, no matter how many people SAG replaces. [Variety]
· Tired of pussy-footing around their world domination ambitions with such society-destabilizing programs as Who's Your Daddy?, Fox announces its plans to Destroy All Humans. Rupert Murdoch will not stop until every last one of us is a smoldering pile of ash. [THR]
· MGM board member Harry Sloan is named new chariman and CEO of the studio, plans to focus on producing more original content if he can figure out how to fill out corporate parent Sony's utterly confusing paperwork. [Variety]
· Desperate NBC is so grateful to My Name is Earl star Jason Lee for starring in a bright spot in the desolation of their primetime schedule that they've agreed to let him develop shows of his own. [THR]
·ABC picks up a script and five script outlines of the reality TV parody America's Next Muppet, in which viewers may actually get the chance to choose a new felt star. The newest Muppet will immediately be written into a six-show arc as Nicolette Sherdian's latest love interest on Desperate Housewives. [Variety]

· In a dramatic move that nonetheless fails to inspire us to care much about the story, SAG's new leadership fires its national executive director. [Variety]
· Generously disregarding the last decade of his career, Al Pacino's acting peers met at the Beverly Hilton Hotel to praise him and present him with the 2005 American Cinematheque Award. [THR]
· Disney becomes the first (and only) studio to embrace the magical anti-piracy DVD players offered free to Academy members. No worries if you've already sold yours for a ten-spot at a yard sale—Disney probably doesn't have any real Oscar contenders, anyway. [Variety]
· Mark-Paul "I Will Always Be Zach Morris To An Entire Generation Of TV Viewers, No Matter How Many Serious Dramas I Do" Gosselaar will join the cast of Commander in Chief. Look for The West Wing to hire Lisa Turtle as a sassy presidential aide in retaliation. (Come on, a Screech joke would've been twice as hacky.) [THR]
· A bloodcurdling "Bitch, no you di'int!" echoes through superflack Pat Kingsley's office as rival Leslee Dart steals away a cherished PMK publicist for her fledgling Dart Group. Slapping of grills and yanking of weaves to follow. [Variety]

· Sony pushes All the King's Men to next year's Oscar season, pretending that they'd have to rush the post-production process to make its original December 2005 release date. We always love that excuse. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Recycling Stephen King Edition: Warner Bros. will remake 1982's Creepshow. Remember all the cockroaches bursting through the guy's chest? Yeah, that probably won't be nearly as scary now that we're not eight years old.
· Paramount decides that it doesn't want to be DreamWorks' dirty little whore and have its heart broken when the studio eventually goes running back to Universal. [Variety]
· ABC follows up Wednesday's full season Commander in Chief order with a back-nine commitment for Invasion, hoping that the alien-attack drama will continue to lure in viewers (like us) too lazy to change the channel after Lost. [THR]
· Did we somehow miss the press release announcing that Mira Sorvino's officially giving up on her movie career? If starring opposite Stephen Dorff in a miniseries isn't a sign of total capitulation, we don't know what is. [Variety]

· Fox commits to the Ashton Kutcher-produced pilot 30 Year Old Grandpa, in which a young guy marries a "mature" lady and winds up a stepdad to children close to his own age. How does the creative genius Kutcher come up with these wonderful ideas? Deal was reached after Kutcher's Katalyst Productions agreed to change the title from the edgier How I Boned Your Mother.* [Variety]
· SpongeBob Squarepants will soon debut in 120 million Chinese households, helping the government's desperate attempts at population control by attempting to turn an entire generation of children gay. [THR]
· Former King of Queens showrunners Josh Goldsmith and Cathy Yuspa are the latest writers trying to translate 24 into sitcom form with the pilot A Day in the Life (each season is one wacky day!) for ABC, who have apparently forgotten they tried to do it earlier this year with the original version of Jake in Progress. [Variety]
· Michael J. Fox will make a triumphant return to television as a guest star on Boston Legal, where he will play a character battling lung cancer, not Parkinson's disease.. [THR]
· Hollywood Out of Ideas, Yet Another Scary Movie Redo Edition: New Line buys the distribution rights to Hong Kong horror remake In-Utero, in which a pregnant woman who sees spirits and whatnot. [Variety]