Breaking: Observer political correspondent Jason Horowitz hit a turkey in Iowa yesterday. The internet continued observing its traditional December ban on anything of interest happening. [NYO]

Being one-upped by 7-year-old Anthony G has proved too much for Liza Minnelli to bear—the singer collapsed onstage while performing a Christmas show in Sweden. "It was a terrible situation. She fell off the side of the stage," a local promoter told SkyNews. "The production manager caught her." He did what? Talk about burying the lede! [SkyNews]

Two window washers have fallen 43 stories from a building's scaffolding at 2nd Avenue between 66th and 67th streets. One is dead and one is in critical condition, according to WNBC. Want to feel even worse? According to the early reports, they were brothers.

Fun fact: 6 out of 10 fender-benders occurring within a three-block radius of Hollywood's Roosevelt Hotel involve washed-up semicelebrities. Be careful out there, motorists, or risk a rear-ending by somebody distracted by their search for a TMZ camera to document their nightclub attandence. [popbytes]

Though two stuntmen suffered burns in an on-set accident during a shoot for Adam Sandler's You Don't Mess With the Zohan on the Universal backlot yesterday, the quick-thinking star prevented even worse injuries by immediately dousing the flames with the fire extinguisher he'd wisely stored in his mankini in anticipation of just such a mishap. [Breitbart]

• In an effort to prove herself as a serious actress, child star Dakota Fanning will appear naked and in a rape scene for the movie Hounddog. Also, this may be the first and only time Lloyd Grove succeeds in a jaw-dropping item. Way to go out with an extremely uncomfortable bang, buddy. [Lowdown]
• Britney Spears reveals her hidden literary talent, revealing on her website her secret passion for tigers. It's some of her best work, featuring multisyllabic words like "mesmerized" and "mysteriousness." [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton has feelings too, you know. When TMZ readers call her "an overused human condom," it hurts Hilton, who calls the comments "mean and sadistic." That's a big word, Paris — now try telling us what it means. [TMZ]
• "Somebody" hacks into Lindsay Lohan's BlackBerry and uses it to send all sorts of unfavorable messages to her friends. Seems as if young Hollywood is plagued by this sort of problem more than gonorrhea. [Page Six]
• 31 years later, Rolling Stone Keith Richards is pardoned for getting stoned in Memphis. [R&M (last item)]
• Haley Joel Osment is old enough to drive and get in an accident. [People]
• Daniel Baldwin is old enough to drive and get in an accident and have no one give a shit. [BBC]

We hear the same story, time and time again: a gorgeous young model mistakes the exit door on her bus for the bathroom door and, as a result, hits the highway at 40 mph. Russian model Tatyana Simanava did exactly that yesterday, dislocating her shoulder, smashing her arm, and damaging her face (remarkably, she's otherwise OK). So what happened, exactly? Simanava was en route to a glamorous Staten Island photo shoot and, while exiting the bathroom, mistook the RV exit for the door she had used to originally enter the loo. Writes the Daily News:

• Inspired by the tactics of Tom Cruise, Britney Spears may be holding a press conference later today to formally announce her pregnancy. Supposedly Federletus 2 is a girl. [IMDb]
• Unfortunately, Britney's dipping into the new baby's college fund to pay for the minder she's hired to keep an eye on houseboy Keving Federline. [Scoop]
• When aren't Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger fighting in court over custody of their 10-year-old daughter? And there's no way that poor kid has sat through all of this drama completely sober. [Page Six]
• Maury Povich, who's accused of cheating on wife Connie Chung with one of his producers, is now suspected of having a second mistress. Ladies, honestly. Maury Povich. Get ahold of yourselves. [R&M]
• After falling out of a coconut tree in Fiji, Rolling Stone Keith Richards' brain is hemorrhaging; the rocker must undergo an operation to drain blood from his skull, after which he's expected to make a complete recovery. If his body can survive the 70's, it certainly can handle this. [Page Six]
• News you can't use: North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il got pervy with former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. [Lowdown]

This just in to the ol' Gawker mailbag:

Yesterday afternoon, a three-foot-long metal rod fell from the new New York Times Building, currently under construction across from Port Authority, and crashed through the sunroof of a passing Honda. There were three passengers inside — a husband, who was hit on the shoulder by the pip; his wife, whose head was cut by it; and their 2-year-old son, whose face was scratched. All three were taken to St. Vincent's in Midtown for treatment and soon released.