America's sweetheart Pitbull made good on his promise to fulfill the internet's longstanding dream of sending him to a far off, inaccessible place when he visited Kodiak, Alaska earlier today. The visit was the result of a contest Pitbull held with a company that sells "energy strips," which promised to send the multi-talented rapper to the Wal-Mart with the most likes on Facebook. Naturally, forces of the internet troll-rigged the competition so that Kodiak, Alaska's Wal-Mart won by a significant margin. Almost making up for all the other shit he's put us through, Pitbull played along and seemed to enjoy himself, even agreeing to fly-out David Thorpe, one of the prank's organizers.

It may be raining and hailing and lightning like a bitch in the Northeast right now, but save a prayer or two for our Last Frontier brethren in Anchorage, where it's currently a blazing 71 degrees.

Following a three-week trolling campaign organized by Something Awful goons David "Arr" Thorpe and Jon "Fart" Hendren, the results are in: Energy-strips-shilling hip hop artist Pitbull will be packing his warmest parka, and heading to Kodiak, Alaska for a visit to the most remote Walmart in America.

To hear the locals tell it, during the town's mayoral election some 15 years ago, residents who were unhappy with the candidate selection were encouraged to write in the name of a newly born kitten instead.

Last month, the 6,200 residents of Bethel, Alaska, got their collective hopes up after news spread that a Taco Bell restaurant was opening in town.

Something Awful goons David Thorpe and Jon Hendren have come up with what is quite possibly their most uproarious troll to date: With the help of fellow Internet funmakers, the shenaniganeers have devised a foolproof plan to send hip hop artist-cum-shilling machine Pitbull to a Walmart on "the frozen Alaskan island of Kodiak."

O, little town of Bethel, Alaska. Things were finally looking up for you.

Today's nightmare realized comes to us in the form of a 7-year-old boy from Juneau, Alaska, who was discovered to have started at least five fires—in an elementary school, a government building, a random patch of grass—over the last four to five months.

Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin's hometown, is currently embroiled in some deep genitalia controversy. A vagina sculpture, or rather a sculpture resembling a vagina, has been placed in front of Wasilla High School and not everyone is happy about it.

Is America's plague of Palins finally ending? After approximately one year of Hollywood fameseeking—starting with a stint on Dancing with the Stars and ending with a new face, a bar brawl, and a canceled reality show—America's most successful unsuccessful abstinence advocate Bristol Palin is returning to Alaska. She explained herself to In Touch:

First Sarah Palin had her moment in the sun. Then Bristol did. Now it's Todd's turn: The Hollywood Reporter reports that the Palins are shopping yet another reality show, this time about Todd's "career as a championship snowmobile racer." Too bad nobody wants it.

Fifty-two-year-old Clifton Vial of Nome, Alaska, who does not sound like the sharpest knife in the proverbial psychotic Alaskan woodsman's knife belt, decided to go for a spin in his Toyota Tacoma last week "to see how far a road winding to the north would take him." It took him—and the six-pack of beer he had in the cab—to a snowdrift about 40 miles outside of town, where he became stuck with no supplies. Except for that beer:

A 22-year-old soldier was arrested Friday morning by Army counterintelligence agents in Alaska on suspicion of espionage. Sounds familiar.

The New York Times analyzed the attendance records of our industrious Congressional representatives and learned that almost 20 members—including presidents of The Future Ron Paul and Michele Bachmann—missed 10 percent of the votes this year. But one Congressman outshone his peers in the art of absenteeism: time-traveling garden gnome Don Young of Alaska, who missed 16 percent of the votes.

Both patrons and employees of the Tatsuda's IGA supermarket in Ketchikan, Alaska were left flabbergasted on Saturday after a black bear cub waltzed into the store and immediately beelined it to the produce aisle, which he then ransacked in the OMG CUTEST way possible. But since all good things must come to an end, our baby bear's running-amok was eventually foiled by an unidentified man, assisted by party-pooping local police. At least we'll always have this video.

Sarah Palin announced on Wednesday evening that she's not running for president, because she thinks she can "be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office."

What's the latest and greatest jobs proposal from the pride of the nation, your 112th Congress? This week, it's called "taking the week off." But when the House comes back for its light work schedule next week, longtime Alaska Rep. Don Young plans to introduce this... thing: A bill "to repeal every single federal regulation put in place since 1991." Lord knows how many all-nighters his staff pulled tweaking the details of this beast.

After TLC gave Sarah Palin her own reality show, many wondered if it cable television had hit a new bottom. Then last month, the network announced plans to air a series about the Beehive Beauty Shop—that's right, a program devoted to Palin's favorite hair salon in Wasilla, Alaska—and America shook its collective head.

The National Enquirer published details from Joe McGinniss' hotly anticipated Sarah Palin biography today, including an NBA player's claim that he slept with Palin shortly before her marriage. McGinniss is the "peeping tom" reporter who moved in next door to the Palins' Wasilla home. Based on the Enquirer's read, a guide to the relative veracity of his juiciest claims.

Bears! Everyone agrees that they need to be put in their place. But only one woman in America is brave enough to do so: Brooke Collins of Juneau, Alaska, who punched a bear in the face to save her dog.