Remember crazy mom Jessica Beagley from Alaska who was so desperate to meet Dr. Phil in person that she abused her young son on video with hot sauce and a cold shower? A judge convicted her yesterday of misdemeanor child abuse. Beagley faces a maximum of one year in jail. This should go without saying, but Dr. Phil really does attract the dumbest, worst people that America has to offer.
Joe McGinniss, the journalist who briefly lived next door to the Palins, reports that Track Palin's wife Britta Hanson has given birth to her child, a girl named Kyla Grace Palin. As predicted, the birth was a bit earlier than abstinence advocates may have expected—three months after the Track and Britta's well-publicized wedding, and a couple weeks shy of the due date on Britta's rumored baby registry. [JoeMcGinniss]
That tearing and gnashing noise is the sound of dozens of reporters—and thousands of bored citizens—feasting on the 24,000 pages of email from Sarah Palin's days as governor of Alaska that were released today. We haven't read them all—not all have been scanned in yet—but here are some of our favorites so far:
Moments ago in Juneau, Alaska, state employees started handing out 55-pound boxes full of paper to dozens of awaiting reporters. Each set of six contains nearly 25,000 printed pages, comprising the entirety of Sarah Palin's e-mail correspondence during her half-term as governor of Alaska. Get reading!
Summer bargain alert! Come Friday, you can treat yourself to 24,199 pages of electronic messages sent between Sarah Palin, her husband/snowmobile maintenance man, Todd, and various Alaska state officials, for the low, low price of $725.97. (Sorry, no Palin-to-English dictionary included.)
Way up in Wasilla, where the men are men and the moose are meat, members of the high school symphonic jazz choir were excitedly rehearsing for the upcoming graduation ceremony, where they'd be performing an epic rendition of Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Then they were told by Principal Dwight Probasco (that's his staff directory page) that the song had been pulled from the program. "Why?" they wondered, having put months of effort into the big number. Probasco explained it was because he'd received a complaint from a parent. You see Freddie Mercury, the vocalist who had sung the original version of the song, was gay.
You thought Alaska was some kind of free-for-all no-rules paradise, where you could just ride an ice floe to your polling place and elect whomever you want to be governor? Think again! As 18-year-old Mikey Poland learned, that's illegal. (Well, the ice floe part is—you can still vote for as many idiots as you want.) Poland and some friends were "jumping on ice" on the Chena River over the weekend when Poland hopped onto a 10' x 15' piece that had broken off and was floating in the river. His friends, responsible till the end, gave him a milk crate to sit on and a cooler lid to use as a paddle; Poland floated downriver about a quarter mile before getting hung up. After being rescued by the fire department, he was immediately cuffed and charged with "disorderly conduct for creating a hazardous condition for the firefighters who rescued him." He didn't fight the charges, and was sentenced to "days in jail with all 10 suspended, 50 hours of community service," and a $100 fine. [AP]
Palin-impregnator Levi Johnston has not been in the news much lately, so it's lucky he's got a big announcement: The father of Sarah Palin's grandchild is writing a tell-all! "Levi is going to talk about everybody," manager Tank Johnson says. Everybody, like everybody in the whole world? (What a long book that would be!) Alas, no, it seems Johnson means the Palin family ("Sarah Palin, and the rest of the family—Bristol too"), and that it will have "good stuff," like "exclusive photos." Time will tell if Johnston can fit book-writing in to his busy schedule: He turns 21 on May 6, and he is, we believe, still running for Mayor of Wasilla. Also, he has a kid. Trint? Trodd? Or whatever? [Radar Online; Us Magazine]
Leave it to Big Government to take all the fun out of sporting in Alaska. Last week, the state's Department of Fish and Game proposed banning the use of tasers on wild animals — such as moose and grizzlies — after "media attention" shed light on what some fear is a rising problem. One issue that could arise, according to the Fish and Game Department's "Taser expert," biologist Larry Lewis:
Wonkette, which busted the shocking story of Sarah Palin's secret Facebook account wide open last week, has another installment in its investigative series on Palin's hamfisted attempts to establish fake private social media accounts: She has a private Twitter. And it's named @mckinely777, after America's tallest mountain and God's favorite numbers. Except she spelled "McKinley" wrong.
It looks like America's Facebooking-est failed governor has been using a fake account to shower praise on her daughter and "like" herself. And she's friends with some creepy people!
On her way home from medical treatment for breast cancer, Alaska state Rep. Sharon Cissna underwent a TSA body scan at the airport in Seattle. Agents then ordered a pat-down of the state representative after noticing her mastectomy on the scan, says her chief-of-staff. Cissna, who is a Democrat, decided to leave the airport and take a 12-hour boat ride from Seattle to Juneau, instead.
Frank Bailey is a former confidante to Sarah Palin. He started off painting her gubernatorial campaign offices as a volunteer in 2005 and left as a top aide in 2009. He was inspired by, loyal to, and probably in love with Palin, based on our reading. But now he hates her! All of this according to his 465-page, tell-all manuscript that's mysteriously leaked to reporters' inboxes everywhere.
